Hey there, bro - just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, and wishing you the best.

Sometimes aur job is to keep working on talking to god, to reach out to him, to beg him for help - with the understanding that maybe he can't take away our struggle, because we need it to grow - but to ask him for any help he can give.

Hi Tried,

Just saying hello.

Have a good Shabbos,

--Eye.

I am B"h doing OK.
this is the first period in a long time that things in life are going well... I am appreciative but also having a hard time dealing with things going good -I'm not used to it...

I am a afraid of it all crashing... I feel like I need to be on best behavior or else g-d will pull the plug (irrational but a result of my upbringing..)

I feel as though now I owe it to hashem to like sit and say tehilim the whole day or something to keep him happy for his going out of his way for me.... (it is no coincidence that as I write this I recall how my mother would make me feel like I owe her the world for something like cooking a supper or buying me an item of clothing i needed... there came a point where I refused to take anything from her because of this...)

I try to take time each day to talk to hashem in my own words... It's quiet tough!!!! (due to my projection of negative authority figures that I project Hashem to be like....)

But life isn't easy, progress isn't easy...
We try and try and keep on trying and over time we hope to look back and see that things are a bit better...

If you experience similar feelings to what I describe here feel free to give a shout...

Best to You All!!!!
--Tried

Tried, ur friend JIP feels very much ur pain and I can relate to almost every word u said in ur recent post, there is no need to sit all day & say thiliem, he don't expect that from us, he wants us to go on routine life and still give it our best, thiliem zugen let the kolel people do on a day that they don't have koach to learn, u just say ur 5 kapitlach every day better little with the right mind than just saying for the sake of saying, there is no question hashem listens to our thiliem even though we don't see results right away, they will come to good use later on and if not for u it will be used for ur children iy"h to come, hashem is no boggy man and he ain't gana pull the plug for u for doing something that u couldn't withstand, he's a av hurachmon and he's here to help not like our real parents who have been selfish and demanded recognition for every little thing that did what they were suppose to do, this is not to say that we shouldn't thank hashem for every little thing he does for us, cuz ultimately by doing so u train ur brain to think positive and hashem will send more good,

Be strong my friend, its tuff I know believe me some days I have very strong pain and resent hashem but when I'm thinking with a clear. Mind like now I know I'm wrong for that attitude and I should force myself to accept him with love, iy"h things will get better for u, I'll daven for u

Be well & be in touch 

I share many of those feelings.
It is hard.

It sounds like things are starting to fall into place for you, but you're a bit uncomfortable with it because it's different to what you are used to, to what you were taught.
After many dips on the rollercoaster, I found that happiness in doing what is right, in being true to myself, is happiness that will never come crashing down.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I think you would base a lot of you happiness on the approval of those authority figures, and now, in a similar way, you're trying to win the approval of G-d and you fear that if you don’t meet his expectations he’s going to take your happiness away.
G-d isn’t like that.
He has no low self-esteem that needs propping up on your misery.
He does not need to put you down in order to make himself feel better.
He does not expect perfection from you – He doesn’t want you to be Yosef Ha Tzadik or Moshe Rabeinu
He does not need to prove his authority over you and force you to respect him.

Remember that there is nothing we can do to add to what Hashem already has.
Hashem is very different from any person in that he does not expect us to do anything for his sake - he only wants us to do what is good for our own sake.

I fear I’m in dangerous territory here, so I’m going to stop before I get carried away.
I hope I’m not being offensive.

Keep strong

Glad to hear things are going well - hope they stay like that - not all of life will go smoothly, but I hope you have a solid streak of it, so that you can adjust to the idea!  :D

Maybe the best thanks you can give to hashem is accepting the fact that hashem does like to see you happy.

Your posts made me think:

Hashem has no needs. Everything he does is for the good of the people. Hashem is much different than a parent... He has no need for recognition. Mitzvos are not for hashem its for us. If learning or Mitzvos generate resentment there is something very very wrong...

I was once telling an Adom Gadol that I have difficulty with learning due to self inflicted overly charged pressure... He couldn't understand... He said: "The pressure is so GESHMAK!!! That gives it the flavor!!!!" He refered me to talk with someone who understands Bochurim better...

I realized from that incident that when Chazal talk about the 'biterness' of learning... They don't mean the type of biterness that shuts you off from it... They mean a positive type of biterness.

A good example is a gym. Body builders sweat like dogs and work like mules and huff and puff... For a novice passing by it would seem as though these people are slaves or prisoners. But in reality these people love it they keep on coming for more... So biterness can be sweet!!!! Ask children. They can't seem to get enough Sour sticks and sour balls... It seems that sourness can  be enjoyable...

Lately I appreciate my struggles somewhat. It's like a good workout or a challanging/difficult game; there is a thrill to it.

I think the key between a good Chalange and a horrible experience is whether you assess that there is a chance for success...

This leads me to believe that it is good for me to set realistic goals. Accept that which I cannot change!!!!!

Set very attainable goals.

A litvisha friend of mine said that R' Shach wrote a Rosh Hashana Kabala in his diary at an old age. It was a kabala to Bench from a Bencher!!!!!! He enjoyed it, he loved it because it was something difficult that he could master........ (If I may say so)

JIP: Your giving (posting and all...) is an inspiration...

SB:Hows the instrument ?

ToAdd: I hear You!! Thanks.

Tried-123 wrote on 20 Jan 2011 21:32:


THAT looks like you're answer right there.  When the stress is on, either because things seem not so good or whether we are afraid to face success, I think the best thing we can do is just appreciate the struggle, say a little "Thankyou" to Hashem, and that's pretty good.

--Eye.