hey Tried.

Hey Briut.

I'm back - kinda. 

just floating in - and floating out.

thoguht I'd say hi.

dov.ii

Good to see you again, Tried.

Tried, keep on working on whatever issues take up ur front page for now, a full life ahead of u to fix everything,I too am working on different issues and not always lust is the top of the list, so u r good my friend, just keep in touch

I have been grappling with a problem:
MY Filter had a loophole which when manipulated, allowed real nasty images to pass through.

I was Mekabal a while back to contact the filter Gabai and have the problem fixed... I tried a few times but I kept on missing him..

Lately circumstances are such that I am exposed to internet service more often and I confess that I would often manipulate the loophole and do that which I ought not to do...

I have given it some thought and it hit me that what I am doing is wrong. I however felt that it was too hard for me to give it up.
I am too used to this...
Where will I turn for an outlet?

I decided today that to reap life's true benefits I need to make tough choices....
Viewing those images and doing what I did, in fact provided something! I will not deny that.

But it is a pleasure that is not mine. G-d provides me with the right amount of opportunities for pleasure that are right for me; this is not one of them! It's cheating. It's taking what is not mine.

I believe that if I loose this Pleasure I will gain other pleasures:
Perhaps a connection to G-d (which is something I want so badly.. but is so hard due to extreme negative associations, Davening and learning feels toxic to me. I am simply unable to pray and I don't. Lately learning has eased up a little and I try to learn a few minutes every day...)

Or perhaps a happy fulfilling marriage. Or maybe just a general sense of wholeness, fulfillment, accomplishment, etc.
Who Knows....

But one thing is certain: I will become more elevated....

And I do believe that in the long run cleanliness provides or allows for a genuine feeling of connection, wholeness, etc.

I am Overjoyed to share with you that just a few hours ago I have in fact removed the stumbling block!!!

What I loved about it is that I really felt like I was given a Nisoyan and I exercised Bechirah to choose Life!

This may seem trivial to some, but It took a lot to find it within me to give that up...

I wish I could make a L'chaim with you guys and simply celebrate what I did.

Because this is LIFE!!!!
This is where the action is at!!!
This is what I was born for!!!

If this is all I accomplish in my life, I am happy to have been put down on this world.

Regarding withholding a forbidden pleasure the medrish says that for every SECOND, we get a hidden light which cannot be fathomed by a single angel or being!!!!!!

Is this not worthy of celebration!!!???

Perhaps for people higher than me this is no big deal, but to me what I did means so so much...

I for one will DEFINITELY join you in celebrating!
The soda's on me (guess which kind ) as my contribution to this party.

Tried, I have such a huge smile on my face as I read this post, and Im guessing Hashem is smiling even wider. You are really a very special person.

One proud mom

kol hakavod!! that was really something and really inspiring, we're all very proud of you and Im sure that He's even prouder than we are! well done!

WOW! What an inspiration, hashem is proud with u and u kicked off lots of bad malochim no question on that , what u just did deserves a big l'chaim and I'll join u, but not on a soda, will have a shot of Vodka for u
U truly made my day

tried, that's great!
i have 3 six-packs (of seltzer ) sitting next to me here, i will have you in mind!
gevaldig!
zs

Beautiful.

Getting rid of the loophole is very important. It means you took an ACTION to solidify your new found "realization".

You see, "realizations" alone don't last long in addictions. We can't think ourselves into a new way of living. We need to take consistent ACTIONS of recovery to LIVE ourselves into a new way of THINKING.

Keep up the great work.

Tried-123 wrote on 30 Nov 2010 06:15:


THAT'S GREAT!  Not easy.

Tried-123 wrote on 30 Nov 2010 06:15:


For me, this would be just before Shacharis on Friday morning (provided I oversleep as usual).

COUNT ME IN!

BTW, that was quite a deep, and sincere post.

--Eye.

Eye - 7 Am, before shacharis, is you oversleeping? Wow! :D

Tried - mazal tov! That's awesome! Isn't the pleasure that you got from doing that worth it?

I would also add that when we're stuck, we can't dream how we'd live without this outlet. We need it, the yetzer hora (in our voice) tells us. See my very first posts here on GYE for an example.

But as we grow, we can start to realize that...it just ain't true.

You, my friend, absolutely ROCK!!

Tried-123 wrote on 30 Nov 2010 06:15:
Hunnhh? Who could be "higher than" YOU right now? How could this be "no big deal" in the script that Hashem has written especially for your own life? How can you even question whether it's fair that what you did "means so so much."

Come on -- I think almost all of your posting is jaw-droppingly beautiful. With one exception -- your apparent concern that it's not "the equal" of the work that "others" here are doing. That's just, er, just, er, just... WRONG!!

And I hope you know I mean that in the most loving sense.

REMINDER:

Tried-123 wrote on 30 Nov 2010 06:15:

Briut, Thanks... You are unique in that you seem to say exactly what you think (for better or worse :D)


Eye:
ABSOLUTELY!!!

Regarding my 12 steps, I am internalizing that I am powerless over many things, but I get stuck at the second step; I have trouble believing that a power higher than myself will help me out; he hasn't helped me throughout my life despite my fervent, desperate, and obsessive praying over the years.. (On a certain level I do believe that my suffering does have a higher purpose in the master plan of the universe -but that G-d's plan can not always be understood. But it seems that G-d wants me to have these difficulties and that he isn't responsive to my prayers for help; He hasn't been thus far...)

Do you have any thoughts about this?