Look deep inside yourself and there lies your answer.  No one else can give the answer other then the person who has to make the choice.  In my case, my wife knowing was the best thing.

I was zoche to marry a very good wife! She is much much greater than me. Even though I don't treat her as she deserves, she just usually keeps calm. Any sholom bayis that we have is to her credit!. We have been having a fairly good relationship, but it wasn't what it should be. We agreed that our relationship was more like two roommates that get along quite well than what the possuk refers to as v'hoyu lebasar echod. She knew that my time-management skill are extremely inadequate, to say the least. I only told her that I spend too much time on the internet at work. I always added (the lie) that I don't go to the bad sites. My filter blocks those & a Rov sees my accountability report. I just go to pareve sites when I want break form work. I told her that the problem is that I spend tooooooo much time on those sites. She usually sensed my bad days, but assumed that it is due to feeling bad about not being productive enough at work. Around Chanuka time, I told her that this cannot go on in this manner. I must do something. I must change already. I mentioned that I may go speak to that Rov, after all since he deals with such problems, he may be able to advise me what to do about my problem too.

The Rov told me that my reports are worse than average yungeleit's. He suggested I speak to a therapist, but he also gave me GYE's address and gave me the option of trying with this first. That was on a Wednesday. During the following week I started a 113 day clean streak! My wife noticed that I became much better natured! I almost didn't lose my temper anymore! At some point I told her about this "website". (She didn't know the name for a long time.) I lied to her that even though it was designed for people who are stuck in too much garbage, many others also frequent the forum. I told her that I think it is better for me to go to this "website" rather than just surfing around because even though I avoid the bad sites, I still do see some stuff here & there that I would be better off not seeing at all. She accepted that.

After a short while I became so addicted to GYE, that I hardly got any work done! Then, shortly before Pesach, I started coming home from work feeling so unaccomplished, I was feeling so empty inside, that I used to become depressed. (This was from not getting work done. I wasn't looking at any inappropriate sites at all!)

While I used to go into 'depressed mode' many times over the years, it usually didn't last for so long as then. One of the GYE'ers that I had contact with, suggested that I see a therapist. I was so sick & tired of being so depressed that I agreed. My wife later told me that she has been thinking that I need a therapist for a while but didn't tell me to go because she knew that I would refuse. So she immediately agreed that I should go. At the third or forth session with the therapist, we talked about my not feeling close to my wife. "If you are keeping a secret from your wife, you are putting up a wall between the two of you" he said. He convinced me. (It was against my better judgement because me Rebbeim had advised against telling her. I rationalized not obeying them, that when I discussed it with them my reason to tell her was only to make it easier for me. I should have to work so hard in covering my tracks. Now I had a better motive.) As soon as I got into my car to drive to work I phoned her. I didn't want to lose my resolve. At first I hemmed and hawed. I started telling her that I have something to say... I wasn't completely honest with you....... What made it easier was that I was able to tell her in the past tense. then I was at about day 98 already. She answered that she suspected that already. That I am not telling her such major news. She knows that the nisyonos are very hard for men, etc. That night, after the kids were asleep, I brought the topic up again. I started using reverse psychology. I started saying how I feel bad for her that she 'fell in' with such a husband... She said that she doesn't think that way. I just kept on putting myself down. I got her to admit that after she put the phone down after my call, she sat and cried. Then I really got emotional and started crying. I couldn't really stop for a looong time. Since then she is very very very supportive of me & we feel much much much closer one another!

I don't tell her everything. I do not describe to her what I actually looked at etc. But I do mention to her sometimes when we pass a trigger. Since then I have spent a large part of our conversations repeating to her things that ppl posted on GYE. Including Steve's 'Skinnie-Minnie' story. I told her about the new cyber-friends that I hooked up with through GYE.

Boruch Hashem, I finally feel Close with my wife

Wow.

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 26 Jul 2010 19:08:


I think that is the key.  Its a lot easier to tell her when you have some (or in your case a lot) of sobriety under your belt!

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 26 Jul 2010 19:08:


I neglected to state that she spoke to my therapist over the phone. She wanted to ask him what she can do to help me in my general issues. He told her that this is common, difficult to get out of, and that she can expect me to still fall again a few times before I am completely out of the woods. Therefore, she reacted with encouragement when she found out that I fell again.

Yosef,

I have to say I am amazed by your story of disclosure to your wife.  It is certainly a much better ending than a friend of mine whose wife divorced him as a result of disclosure (granted thought that his behviors were more serious).

It is also nice to see that you have deep appreciation for your wife who is obviously a tzadekkes.

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 26 Jul 2010 19:08:

YhaTz: You know, I'm very impressed that you can open up like this, and very pleased that your results are bearing fruits. It just seems a little 'incomplete' to me, that there's so much you HAVE been able to share and yet so much it seems you have NOT been able to (so far).

For me, each round of acceptance and understanding is really just a springboard to the next level of opening up. By this long into our marriage, I could probably tell my wife that I shot a man and she'd raise bail without a single question. This doesn't come in a day, or at least it certainly didn't with me, but I would recommend that you keep going with her until SHE feels safe in telling YOU absolutely anything, and vice versa. (And yes, even the hardest parts. Particularly that. The stuff we can't even tell ourselves sometimes. I KNOW you know what I mean.)

So, sh'koiach for the openness. Keep it up. And when she feels safe to let it all hang out with you, and you feel the same, marriage looks way different. At least to me. At least, as close as I've ever really gotten to that....