Hi
I was thinking is it neccasery or not?

  when I told my wife she was hurt ashamed and more. (I will always have to live with the pain i caused her) She wasn't sure if I was right about addiction that I couldn't stop myself years ago.

after she spoke to people she went to GYE she believed me and I asked her for her help to stop. I discussed with her my triggers, when it started (over 20 years ago), why it started and so on. Now  I feel a special closeness to her everything is open and honest and she fully supports me in fighting the addiction.

  Personaly I think the only way to get better is to tell. because if we don't then we are keeping "dark secrets" and darkness is the breeding ground to keep our addiction growing.
     

from what i have read here on the forum it is usually a great idea to have the support, encouragement and understanding of your wife. it is an invaluable tool in this fight.
But, and it is a big 'but', the wife's feelings need to be considered and the correct time and setting must be chosen to do so. in your case it is already after the fact. but it needs to be done with a lot of forethought. if you look around the forum it is discussed a lot.

There is no rule of thumb.

Everyone's situation is unique. 

To tell, how to tell and when to tell. Needs tons of consideration.

If you get it in the right time, place and right way then it should be up hill from there.


Hashem send us all the strength we need. D,

The key is to maintain your honesty from now on.  She needs your trust.  Even if you chas v'shalom fall again, you must be honest with her so she can trust you.

Beware that she may hold this against you at a time you least expect it (i.e you get into a fight about something totally unrelated).

Hatzlacha.

I believe there is another thread on the forum that discusses this, you may want to track it down.

I am amazed at all those claiming to be able to keep this secret from their wives. My wife seems to be able to sense if I as much as look at a woman in the street the wrong way (from 3000 miles away), even before I can.

I am equally surprised at how many people can tell their wives all the gory details and manage to work through it.

It would seem to me that, while every case is different, the happy medium is generally best.

Ackowledge challenges in Shmiras Einayim and thus the need for filters, GYE, and other support and assistance. (This shouldn't be earthshattering - she should be able to guess this much, and who doesn't have these challenges to some extent?)

But I see no reason (in general) to reveal all the "gory" details. In general, it will be very painful to her and I don't see how it will help much.

Any disagreement with this?

kosher wrote on 02 Jul 2010 17:03:

i don't think anyone disagrees with what you wrote. every situation is different and some would need to tell there wives more or less than others. depends what type of behavior we are talking about and what role the wife will play in the recovery. is she is just a filter gabai then she just needs to know that the husband has nisyonos on the computer and wants to safeguard himself. if there was worse levels of behavior then there might be a lot more emotional baggage that needs to be dealt with and the wife would need to know what her husband is facing. but if the situation warrants it then the wife can be a wonderful partner and catalyst for growth. i think Guard writes that if and when the decision is made to tell the spouse it should be done in the presence and under the guidance of a therapist.

What about if the "issue at hand" is resolved before marriage or even before dating? Is it still necessary to tell?

Yiddle2 wrote on 02 Jul 2010 17:23:


Define "resolved"?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
That you no longer struggle, don't need to post or connect, 1000% sure you'll never look at porn again?

If yes maybe, otherwise you risk destroying the trust your marriage was built on. Dr. Tweski feels strongly that you must say. Do a search of the site and you can find it talked about

In the original post there is nothing to decide about it worked out well so far.

For people dealing with this in the future.........................

I have seen major destruction come about from disclosure.  Sometimes a wife kind of knows something is up but would rather stick her head in the ground - it's too difficult for her to handle.  Sometimes disclosure before sobriety and recovery can make wife feel her husband will never stop and be able to change.

This is a really dangerous area.  I would recommend not disclosing without first consulting with people who have major experience in this and preferably know both spouses.

I have seen at least one guy who disclosed to his wife loose his marriage over this.  She couldn't handle it and went straight for the get.

Please BEWARE!!!

If your not getting real help, and not really taking care of the problem, then telling her won't do anything other than changing your method of falling.
If you are already on the path to recovery, then it can definitely help, but you have to weigh the advantage of 'help' against the disadvantage of your wife looking at you in a very undesirable way - not a very good idea for your shalom bayis.

Once again - every situation is different.

It seems to me from all the posts, that if a higher power guides us not to tell then there won't be that "darkness". But if we dicide ourselves not to tell then we may be leaving room for "darkness" which will make it difficult to get better and easer to fall. 

Another thought:

I was preparing for a big trip and I was working on a battle plan for shmiras einayim on the trip (posted at www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=2665.0). While in general, I don't think my wife wants to hear too much about this subject and would rather pretend the issue doesn't exist, I did not think it was appropriate to spend so much time (especially on the computer) without explaining what I was doing. 
Of course, I phrased the discussion in context of what we see in the street, not the depths of the Internet (or worse) and she was in general was appreciative and supportive of my efforts. At the end she asked me, "why is this such a challenge? Haven't you been there done that already? Shouldn't it get boring?" I told her, "I don't know, I didn't create the world" and left it at that.

a. I would like a better answer to give (if anyone has one).
b. While she didn't phrase it that way, I suspect some of the depth of her question was, since I have seen her in all her glory, why is what's on the street more attractive? Are they some much better looking? (i.e. Do I not appreciate how she looks?) Which highlights [one of] the concerns of discussing this with our wives (even in a very positive context).

Kosher

I don't understand does she know you are an addict?
Does she know what being an addit means?

The answers to your questions are:
No & No

It seems like the implication of your question is that if I explained that I was an addict, she would not take it personally or have a hard time with it. As you pointed out in your original post, that is not an easy or simple thing to "sell".

Furthermore, to quote DOV, " Few people 'out there' admire a man who declares that he "has not compulsively looked at pornography/not slept with a prostitute for three whole years!", ten years, or even twenty. In contrast, per the culture that is on this site, such a person may be viewed in awe".

Personally, I think the world "out there" is more forgiving and if a person has; not acted in a non-consensual manner (or with a minor which is equivalent), took action and corrected the behavior on their own, and is currently sober, then they will be accepted by the public for who they are now and let the past be forgotten. However, for a wife it is a whole different story. Because of the mental and physicall intimacy, it is incredibly difficult to for her to accept and ignore the past. I would not reccomend lying to your wife, that might make things even worse becuase of the lack of trust it will cause. But volounteering unpleasant details does not seem like a generally great idea.

I was't sure and just didn't understand  whether you told her or not
I think jooboy is right that you have to ask consult with someone else whether to tell or not

unfortunatly I don't have a better answer to tell your wife. hopefully someone else does.