Confidence-

I like your questions and philosophizing. I enjoy doing it myself. I have however changed my mehalech over the past few years. Although I am naturally a thinker, I find that thinking too deeply into anything is sure to cripple instead of help. In fact, thinking itself is potentially an excuse not to just DO. By waiting until we determine the best way to act, or the reasons behind why we do something or want to do something, we are effectively holding ourselves back. Nothing wrong with knowing the reasoning behind things, but not at the expense of doing. Doing, is real tachlis. Thinking comes after that, even though that sounds counter-intuitive. Right now, we need to determine exactly what is healthy for us to do, namely get up and move on if you ever do something that is improper. Not to dwell on the past. I've found that not dwelling on the why's until thw what's have been taken care of is extremely effective. Move on. Then, if you'd like, think about what would help more in the future. But holding off from actual upward movement and growth due to thoughts, is effectively just a great excuse to not work until we've determined the 'real' answers. I think nike says it right - just do it - DO what you need to. After that, philosophy is fine.

Installed-

Ahhh you've gotten me nervous. You speak the truth about seeing so many issues in the married world that it seems there's not much hope so why leave singlehood. At the same time, obviously we want to get married and live happy lives. First of all, there's obviously a big mix of married people and singles on this forum, but maybe would be a good idea to have a singles section....just a thought. Okay I'll start one. Come visit.

thanks guys for the hlep.

unfortunatly, im thining whether i want to or not. the philosophy is really my inner drive. These thoughts are happening at a subconscious level whether i want them to or not so im just trying to cause this whole dilema to surface so that i can fix it, and then push back the new mindset into the subconscious where it belongs. make any sense?

on another note i just fell.

hopefully, my being in E"Y for the next 6 weeks away from internet in an environment that demands constant giving of myself will force some sort of change upon me. can't wait to get to work....

Confidence wrote on 27 Jun 2010 17:17:


OK, call me an insensitive SOB, but I quoted you above this way to suggest a connection between the two sentences. I am not judgmental - I am a sick, recovering pervert, for crying out loud. But I have discovered that mental masturbation (thinking too much about anything) is just another form of lust for some me. There is an alternative, and it leads to a life that finally makes sense, and that actually works for a change. But it takes Divine assistance (at least for me):

We cannot think ourselves into right-living. We can only live ourselves into right-thinking.

It all depends on what you want. Daven for what you want and take the uncomfortable but simple steps necessary to get there based on success, rather than based on more of your own thinking. Isn't our very best planning the very way that we got into this trouble in the first place? Why assume it will bring us out of it? Did we suddenly get smarter?

I love you cuz I see myself in your words. Call me what you will.

Dov

Confidence- talking out your thoughts like your doing definitely can help, as it limits them by no longer being stretched to the limits of your imagination once its actually pushed out there. Couldn't agree more with your decision to go to e'y, you'll have a lot of opportunity there- not just getting away from negativity, but into positivity, tfilla, kedusha, fun stuff like that do you have an internet filter installed by the way? If you dont- you should. Give the password to someone who can give it to you if you ever need to override but holds you out when your going to fall. I'll be happy to help if you want me to hold onto a password if you don't have anyone else, but you should def get a filter. For starters

shmiras - B"h have a filter that cannot be uninstalled, but i unfortunatly hav efound small ways around it - not to mention occasional complete access to the unfiltered stuff.

dov wrote on 27 Jun 2010 21:12:

I definitly hear that one. might have a bit to do with the fanning of my ego
dov wrote on 27 Jun 2010 21:12:


this one i guess i'll just have to trust you on. i cannot really comment.  i just don't know how a person is supposed to separate his actions from his thoguhts.

on a separate note, i think that a big part of my failing recovry has been the history of failing that i had accumilated before finding GYE. to quote a famous mashal:

a boy once asked his father at the zoowhy the elephant didn't just uproot the fence and run away. thinking it was a good question the two decided to ask the zookeeper. his asnwer was "when the elephant was a newborn, he tried over and over to uproot the fence. all those memories of failure and frustration have remained with him until his adulthood preventing him from realizing his own potential."

all those trys have made me stronger, but its just hard to realize that maybe i need to want to change like i used to.

No...my veering away from thinking is not to get rid of my thoughts at all - it is to get me out of the driver's seat. To not be fooled into thinking that it will be my thoughts that will 'make' change happen in me.

Think your behind off (I don't recommend that literally) - but seperate the outcome from your planning and machinations. He runs the show, period. Once that sits well with you, then letting go a bit more will start to feel OK. And the burden lightens.

Dubno maggid a"h:  A guy is sitting with a bunch of people in a wagon, his heavy package slung over his shoulder. It's hot out. A peasant asks why this fellow is shouldering his load. "Put it on the floor," he suggests. We all answer the peasant, "It wouldn't be nice to put the burden on the horse - after all, he is already carrying me - the least I can do is hold up my own luggage!"
"Fool," he says to us, "the horse is already pulling you and your package! Stop insisting you are in control, put down the burden, and just let Him do his job!"

V'hameivin yovin.   

Confidence,
I know where you're coming from. The pain I caused myself because of the guilt, failure, lack of self-respect, giving up etc, was runining my life.
Outside of this group, the single most beneficial thing I did was to read “Gateway to happiness” by Zelig Pliskin.

I would still be wallowing in the dirt if it weren’t for its guidance and advice. It made such a big difference in my life that I would recommend dropping anything else that isn’t critical to your survival to make time to read it.

ToAdd.

Hey - how are you doing?

Confidence, please let us know how you're doing--no matter what. 

I've learned so much from your thread, from your honesty and your struggle, that's my struggle too. I way overthink and it gets me into a bad place, lots of anxiety and negativity and feeling frustrated and then that triggers me.

I've lifted some quotes of your and others and pasted them to my thread so I can have them there to re-read.  I hope that's ok.  I was careful not to put any of your personal stuff on.

I miss you, and I'm pretty sure other guys are reading your thread and hoping to hear from you soon.