Hello, just checking in. I've been having ups and downs but right now I want to tell you about an interesting experience I've been having the last couple days. My cell phone broke two weeks ago tuesday. I went one day without a phone. I was flipping out and trying to figure out what to do, and where to get a new phone. After the first day I calmed down a bit and realized that maybe I'll try going a couple weeks without a phone. I was anyways looking forward to getting a new phone soon. Then someone who I had asked the first day comes over and offers me their phone. I took it with some apprehension. I knew it wouldn't be very good for me. i ended up falling. So I gave it back to him last week and have been going the last 5 days without a phone.
So far its been great to not have to be attached to the phone. On the other hand I need a phone because i need to get in touch with people sometimes and also to text. I pre-ordered a new phone which is coming out this wednesday. I'm nervous about getting it just because i realize how addicted I get to my phone, even if it doesn't have internet. I can get this phone and have someone lock the browser but I'll still be attached to it and constantly checking it.

What's up?

Okay, trying to start this thing up again. Yesterday I reached 14 days clean! My longest ever! And its been the smoothest. B"H. This shabbos i went to New York and met up with some people from a Dov's phone group. It was really great. A couple of us spoke to Dov afterwards and he mentioned to me a point which I thought was very good. He said that these instances really remind a person that recovery isn't all about hard work. There can also be some fun involved. Not to negate hard work of course...

Some thoughts after two weeks clean. First off, BH in the past couple of weeks I have been able to do many things which to the average Joe might seem simplistic but for us, (for me at least,) were very hard tasks to accomplish. For example, there were several times where i got really nervous, frustrated, anxious or was just too lazy to do anything. I didn't have internet access to just spend my time there, so I only had a couple options. One was to remain in the mood i was in and just sit in bed doing nothing. However after a few minutes I couldn't stand doing that either. In those moments I felt like I was really wasting my life away. Possibly more than when I was acting out. Because here I wasn't doing ANYTHING!

So I had two options of what to do. Either I could call or text someone and just tell them what was on my mind. This helped a lot. Just because there was someone who 1) I could tell what I'm going through without being afraid that he's going to start thinking what a big baby I am, and 2) could give me some objective advice to deal with the issue or ignore the issue depending on the circumstances.

The second option was to write it down. It seems very simplistic but in reality is a life-saver. For a few days I was going nuts because I had so many things I wanted to do, at the same time because I wasn't wasting my time i had already accomplished a lot that day and therefore wasn't sure what else I wanted/needed to do and therefore was just sitting around in a haze of accomplishment/time-wasting. So I realized that the only thing I could do was to write down everything. I wrote down what I wanted to do on a daily basis, what I wanted to do in general, things I needed to do and things that I had already done. This accomplished several things. The first list gave me more of a direction in my daily schedule. The second and third list accomplish two things. First they give me what to do when I feel that I've already done everything I need to do on a daily basis. Second, they take all the things that are flying around my head and bombarding me with stress telling me I have SO much to do, and put them down in an orderly bite-size fashion.

The fourth list gives me a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction that I can look back at and say "See?! I AM doing something!." It also serves as a reminder of what I have already accomplished and that I don't need to be worrying about it.

Another thought/observation I had after two weeks clean. When I was going into New York this past thursday I started getting butterflies in my stomach. Till now I was in yeshiva and no real distractions around, no girls in the community (at least that I know of who hang around yeshiva). Now I was going to New York where there would be many girls around and how was I going to handle that?

Honestly looking back after shabbos I can't really say whether the situation became infinitely harder in New York and that I somehow became weaker or maybe nothing changed and I'm still in the same place I was. I definitely had some more questions pop up in my head about the future and had to look away many more times and felt that it wasn't the ideal situation for me to be in at this moment in time. But at the same time, all that amounted to was me texting and calling a little more often to other people and saying tehillim a few extra times. If no one had answered their phones I probably would have written out my stress on my ipod. Except for one time which I dearly thank OvedElokim for hearing me out and responding immediately.

Truth be told, now that I'm writing this and looking back, I realize that I'm not 100% sure I would have written those stress moments out on my iPod or not, because for a couple of those moments I had a few minutes time and I for some reason pushed off taking out my iPod and writing. Now I know another thing which I need to work on.

However all through the weekend I found myself wishing that I had access to a computer that I would be able to post from and read some emails. Which brings up another issue which I wanted to bring to everyone's attention and maybe get some feedback on. Till now for the last two weeks I have been using the computers of a couple bochurim in yeshiva. Today one of them is returning his and the other is getting more strict about when people can use his computer, namely when he is around. This brings up a bit of frustration for a few reasons. First, because my chances of using his computer when he is not using it nor anyone else and yet him being in the room become a lot smaller. Although I can't argue with him that he should be around and I am very appreciative that he takes such measures, it becomes much more limiting and therefore stressful. A second issue which comes up is that I was hoping to take a class on his computer when he is not using it for an hour or so a day, and because he is making it harder for me to use, the opportunity for me to take this class is slimmer.

There is a second computer that another bochur has and he has agreed to let me use it, but I am VERY apprehensive about using it because he keeps his computer in his bedroom and I don't want to trust myself yet in that situation. The other computers are in an office, with semi-public access.

The idea has popped into my head to "borrow" a laptop from Costco. But disregarding the halachic questions involved, I immediately push that thought away because even if I could keep it in the office, I don't begin to trust myself not to record anything on the computer and then take it to my room when I feel weak.

That's my rant.

Hope everyone is having an awesome day!!!

Sounds like you're grappling with a bunch of very important issues! For starters, I would say to try working on the appreciation to the guy who only wants people using his computer when he's in the room. Have you discussed your desire to take a class using his computer?

And most importantly, keep on trucking!

Hey Mac...

I can really sympathize with you on that one.

I also have the zchus not to live in NYC (anymore), and I always feel like I'm walking on a tight-rope when I'm there on visits...

And I usually fall and fracture my skull

But hopefully my next visit will be different, now that I've found GYE.

Keep on Trucking even in the Big Apple even though you and Toto aren't in Kansas anymore.

Hashem is with you there.

Do it for yourself.

I'm so happy for your two clean weeks...

KOT

Elazar ben Durdayah

2 weeks is gaveldig!

keep up the good work

First I have to say that I fell on monday. The night after posting. Trying to get back up.

@SB: yeah he's one of those guys who's not too supportive of taking classes. I don't disagree with the mindset but he doesn't REALLY know my situation. I ended up getting a computer. We'll see how things go. I'm thinking about putting a filter on that will limit my hours to only a few in the afternoon. That way I have access on a consistent basis but not WHENEVER I want.

@BD: Toto too?! ;-)

@Zemiros: Thanks. Next stop is day 1 but we'll get there.

So wait...this guy feels that going to college is wrong? (this from a guy with a computer and internet access??)

Anyway...if you've got your own computer, be careful. In your position, I would make sure that I had some very good safeguards in place. Filters, probably accountability software (with someone who you really wouldn't want to horrify as your partner), and anything else you can think of.

Maccabee wrote on 21 Jan 2011 18:12:


Not just Toto, LeHavdil the RBSO is with you too -even after your fall.

Just get up and KOT KOT KOT!!!


EBD

@SB: I got talking to him a little and it turns out that he might be taking some classes as well. Whatever, it doesn't matter. I need to install a filter and accountability software now.

@EBD: BH I think I'm starting to pick myself up only because I see how much I'm killing myself with this all. I'm not really motivated to change but I'm gonna do it anyway. Wish me luck.

All the best,
Mac

What?

Friday you posted that you got a computer & today is already Sunday!

You STILL didn't install a filter????


Have the GYE Filter Gabbai install a Filter AND accountabilty software. Today.

Nuuu?  Do it now. NOW!!!




& wouldn't hurt if he sets the filter to block you from logging in after midnight......

Maccabee wrote on 23 Jan 2011 17:16:


You don't owe me an explanation, but I think for your own clarity, it might be good if you could explain what it means that 'you aren't really motivated to change'.

Especially if 'you realize how much you're killing yourself with this all'. I would think that that's the ultimate motivation.

But I must caution you, there's no way that 'you're gonna do it anyway' if you feel that you aren't 'really motivated to change'.

I would be fascinated if you could enlighten me a bit as to what you meant.

Your Friend,

Elazar ben Durdayah

I'm curious to hear more about what you said, too...it sounds like you've found a pretty good motivation...and since you plan on doing it, that implies that you ARE motivated!

Yeah that was probably a bit cryptic. :-D Basically, emotionally I wasn't motivated because I felt so in the dumps. But intellectually I knew I had to keep on moving forward. Motivation is a feeling, a midah. Knowing is intellectual, seichel. Ideally, by a human, moach shalit al halev.

Thanks for the clarification. ;-)