Alright hopefully the post name will in itself give me a little chizuk. Shabbos in general was terrible and I fell more than once, however mincha time I gave over by heart to someone in the community a long drasha which I had learnt a week before shavuos and still remembered clearly B"H. So I'm on a bit of a low right now particularly because everytime it's on shabbos it usually involves breaking it which kills me. So right now I'm in a lot of pain and I'm calling out to you my dear friends to help me through this.
I joined a phone conference this week and some interesting things were discussed but nothing which has helped yet. I know I'm doing something wrong but it' so hard to pinpoint where to start. HELP!!!!!!!!!

The phone conference sounds like a good place to start. I think that there comes a point where we decide that if we want to live a sane life, we can't keep doing this stuff.

That helps. Learning is great, but we can be learning, and still doing horrible things.

Well today was uneventful. B"H. My back was killing me when I woke up at 6:30 this morning and I couldn't fall back asleep. So I went to mikva (besides purifying it is a bit therapeutic.) :-) Then I went home and started feeling nauseous so I lay down and didn't wake up till around ten when I davened. I went back to sleep since i was feeling feverish and woke up around 6:30 pm. I ate supper and went to daven mincha and maariv. And thats where I'm holding now. So far didn't have any run-ins and don't plan on it.

The problem is usually after about 48 hours that it really hits me hard. But I'm not going to think about it.

On a brighter note I have found chavrusas for iyun in the morning and shulchan aruch in the afternoon which clears up basically my entire morning and part of my afternoon.

Rocking!

Remember, one day at a time...just be clean today. Right now. And be happy!

Well i guess being sick today is just Hashem's way of helping me to a good start. Give me a bit of a cleansing.

Hi Maccabee!

Just finished reading all your posts....kind of like a resume, ha-ha. Sorry to hear about your struggle and your pain. It's too bad your mother may not have a clue about this issue, but it is sure nice that your father seems understanding and I wish hatzlocha to both of you.

I wonder exactly how you define a 'fall' for yourself. Feel free to PM me about that (if you feel it may not be appropriate for a post on the forum).

What you posted before:
is right on, but there is only one real question and issue: Do we care enough about living a sane life, yet?
It took me coming to the point of feeling sure it was all over and I was going to lose that life. I was resigned to losing and had no hope of ever really "stopping", because it had already became obvious to me that I was hopeless. That was when I first became willing to do whatever it takes to get better - even going to the (crazy) Sexaholics Anonymous meetings that my shrink suggested. She was apparently right for me, and I am still sober this day, for today, years later and have a beautiful life. The main thing I learned was how to have a real relationship with my G-d, which is dependent on having a bit of integrity. After all, we are really alone with Hashem, right? Completely - alone.

And you are alone with your suffering, too. You know that. No matter how understanding your father can be, only another addict can really share this with you, and that's still not "sharing the pain" - that is on the inside and forever yours alone. We can share in understanding the pain, that's all. I doubt any non-addict can. And that is enough, I have found, to realize that even though in some respect I am alone, I am still not alone.

By meeting other addicts who truly understand my pain, I got faith that Hashem can understand it, too. And now I am never going to be alone, no matter what.

Discovering because you are sick, that you are truly with Hashem, opens the road to healing. Just keep walking. Keep looking for help and doing whatever is necessary to get better. You are worth it, chaver!

Hi. Just to say I found this new thread (continued from your introduce yourself thread). Keep us 'posted' (so to speak). Thanks.

As much as this hurts me I have to be honest here. I fell last night after posting. Maybe a little bit dejected that I didn't get any responses to my posts. Kind of stupid considering that it was probably after most if not everybody had gone to sleep.

Dov here's the prob. (One of many.) My father told me that he has the same problem as me and that he struggles with it like I do. If thats so, I look at him and think "would he really be so much more different if he had worked on this when he was younger?" He seems like he is happy. (Obviously he would be more happy if the work which he puts body and soul into actually bore fruit so that he could live without worrying about how he's going to pay the next bill.) But all in all he seems to get along well. B"H.

But for me, every once in a while when i act out really badly like on shabbos for example I start feeling depressed because there are so many much better things which I could have accomplished during that time.

Sorry for the half thought I just can't get the rest out on my own. Ask questions and it will come out.

@Briut: Thanks for sticking up for me.

Maccabee wrote on 31 May 2010 18:41:

Questions:
1) You asked us to ask questions because maybe you don't know where to start. If you WERE able to articulate what the best questions would be that folks here could ask you... what would they be? [And of course, while you're telling us those questions, feel free to [gulp] try some possible responses.]

2) You thanked [someone here] for sticking up for you. Fair enough. But... you know, I never had a big brother who could beat up the neighborhood bully for me when he tried to steal my lunch money. But I've always imagined that if I DID, his defense would have given me more to kick that guy MYSELF next time. Any chance it might work that way for you, here? In other words, if my moshul is totally off-track, can you think of some ways to defend yourself when that Master Trick of the Y'H (feelings of worthlessness, depression, whatever) gets thrown in your path? It would be cool for me to imagine that some of the chizuk you'll probably get from many sources here... might be doing long-term good. So, breathe it in and try to hold it a while.

@1: Well one question that just came up was why not install filters? And the answer would be that I don't have access to computers.  I have an ipod touch on which I installed mobicip as suggested on GYE. The problem is that I often want to relieve stress by posting and i can't because mobicip doesn't allow access to GYE and I can't get on a computer unless my parents are home which is not all the time.

More to come my mother is leaving now and I have to shut off the computer.

Oh no, black and blue again?

Maccabee wrote on 31 May 2010 18:41:


A few points you might consider: You point out that your father seems well-adjusted, even though he 'has this problem'. Does he also mechalel shabbos for his acting out with porn? (And what exactly do you mean by chilul Shabbos, anyway? Do you mean you use the computer on Shabbos, or something else altogether? Let me know if you'd like.) Does he really do the same stuff you do as much and as compulsively as you do it? Does it occupy the same amount of real estate in his brain as it does in yours? The preoccupation is part of the problem itself too, I believe. Perhaps he is more free than you are. So he may have a lust problem in his own way, but it is probably vastly different (I did not say better or worse, mind you) than yours.

So why compare the two of you, at all? 

You say he seems happy. There are many people who can schlep around with various problems but can appreciate what they do have. Good for him, I say! But you do not know his pain. Share it here and use the tools you need in order to get better. All these cheshboinos are just that: cheshboinos. I have not seen them get anyone anywhere.

You have been given the uncomfortable gift of getting faced with yourself at an early age. Your conscience is a bit closer in your reality now. That's great. Stick with the facts, not the cheshboinos. Hatzlocha in doing the work to get healthier, regardless of where it may or may not lead you or where anybody else is.
With respect and love and hoping that what I posted is sensible and useful to you,
Dov

Ok. Clean day number 1. No I just need to get into bed with a good krias shema and an otherwise uneventful evening. The whole episode last night kept me up till 6 this morning and I had to get up at 8 to drive my brother to school. So considering I'm working on two hours of sleep, I'm pretty impressed with myself.

I hope self-pride is not looked down on here just because I think it gives me a feeling of self-confidence.

Signing off. (for tonight)

Maccabee wrote on 01 Jun 2010 02:47:

So here's my take on this:
Self-confidence is good, and comes from recognizing the truth about yourself that good outweighs evil in your life. By contrast,
Self-pride is looked down on (if I've got the terminology understood the same way that you seem to) because it involves an ego pump-up that's not necessarily connected to truth.

Brutal self-honesty can lead to ginormous self-confidence, in a good and g-dly kind of way.

I guess this is my long-winded way of saying that you don't sound very egotistical at all!

Thanks Briut.

Starting off with good news I have touched base "physically" with two guys on here...Thanks a BUNCH!!! I'm also starting the second phone conference soon. I had a good day today went to kollel and learnt. and almost made it to the 730 minyan. (I'm going in reverse order here)

I'll post later about the other stuff...

which phone conference are you referring to?