Maccabee wrote on 12 May 2011 21:47:



We are waiting for the next one!!!!!

Hey YH, (which one are you) , CH"V I know who u are.


I have a lot to say and I'm hoping my old friends will have something to share. Help, support, an ear, a friendly smile. If possible.

I'm in pain, because I have caused others pain. I have hurt innocent people. Yes, I know, it was four or five years ago. But it still hurts. Maybe it hurts because I'm afraid that the repercussions of my actions will come back to affect me. Maybe because I have a heart and I regret what I did.

I'm terrified that my actions will come back to haunt me. I want to do anything I can to make up for the harm I did. Maybe because then I will feel like it was okay. And I won have guilt.

I want to change. Slowly but surely, I'm beginning to feel that the only way is to become completely serious about recovery. Because I know that without recovery I'll hurt more people.

Should I commit to getting rid of the browser and app store on my iPod? I've done it several times before and I find ways around it. Maybe I should get rid of my iPod? I'm scared about doing that.

I guess I'm going to end up doing that anyway.

Counting days means nothing. It won't help. I have to take each day for itself. As if it's my firstday clean. I'm not going to try "feeling clean" in order to start working on recovery. I want to come to Hashem as I am. No tomfoolery. I'm not bluffing. I'm a pervert and abuser who is recovering.

It's going to be hard work. I want to get better.

Hashem, I beg you to take me by the hand and tell me where to go and what to do. I will work on improving myself. I guess that means I have to start improving my conscious contact with you. I've started thinking about you in the morning before I wash negel vasser. Help me get better.

Good night!!

Thanks for sharing all that Mr Maccabee. That was where it's at. Hatzlocha, brother.

1daat wrote on 22 Jul 2011 01:17:

these words were very powerful to me
what happened can be a catalyst for growth
if used the right way

we are with you Maccabee

I am SOOOOO getting annoyed with everything that my chavrusa is doing. I think I am taking things a little too personal. I need to get out of my own head.
My chavrusa/roommate installed bars on our window, (we are in new york,) and I think they just get in the way. Especially because now they make the air-conditioner very difficult to install.
And then he keeps on complaining that we aren't learning enough and that we are wasting time, whereas I feel that we are moving at a nice steady pace as it is. So I just get pissed off at him when he goes to look at his phone or take care of something during seder. But for me, I'm allowed to look at my phone whenever I want. No Problem! Right?

NO! I'm so self-centered its unbelievable. Live and let live.

I have to relax and see that he's not trying to get me. It's all in my head!

In other news, I'm sitting in yeshiva not making a red cent and I need to somehow pay for a therapist, train rides to meetings and laundry amongst other things. Its getting to my head. I'm not telling God about my problems. I'm keeping them to myself. How is he supposed to help in that case? I don't know.

Hope everyone is doing well!!

Perhaps writing down all the ways he annoys you on paper and davening to Hashem that He (please) helps you see it from their perspective instead of being judgmental or annoyed - you have your own idiosyncrasies and they are not gross to you...kind of like biting into an apple that you already bit into - it's not gross, but if he bit into it, it's impossible for you to just go and take a bite out of it, too! Same with our oddities and habits - when they are our own, they are strangely tolerable.

Think about it, maybe write a bit...at least you are not thinking about that guy for a couple of minutes!