I fell last night after holding off for a little.

What I am going to try to do is get a number of someone who lives in Israel so that I can call or text at 1, 2 in the morning whoch I is primarily when I run into problems

If anyone from Israel would like to help me out

Fell last nite middle of the nite. I didn't even need it! I was listening to music and reading a book. I felt good. And then, as if it is just a rudimentary something on my to do list like brushing my teeth, I m*********.
Why isn't there more fear or at least awe to the moments right before these falls?
Well, I did visualize the negative ramifications, I foresaw the end and said I dont need that again! But I did.
It's about fanticizing about girls that I do not talk to in real life.
I dont know what else to say...

StrugglingGuy wrote on 22 Aug 2010 12:30:


Dear Holy Brother S.G.,
What can I say???
B.H. u r have a healthy young "goof" which has desires and impulses,and the Y.H. is always on duty to trip us up. That is his job. And long standing habbits which feel good are very difficult to break!
At the same time u  have a neshamah t'horah which deeply desires to be close to Hashem our loving Father in shamayim. Which is the real u?
The same way bad habbits become our nature  "hergel na'aseh teva" ,new good  habbits can also become our new nature, "hergel na'aseh teva shaynee"
Ask youself what new habbits can u start doing which will show Hashem your desire to purify yourself?

StrugglingGuy wrote on 22 Aug 2010 12:30:

This is a gevaldige kasha!!!
it shows you sincerely want to do the ratzon Hashem and feel bad about falling.....
of course the Y.H. is active over here too....trying to break your spirit with feelings of failure, unhealthy guilt and sadness.
Allow me to suggest two possible approaches:
1) Chazal say a person does not sin unless a "ruach shtuss" enters him. It is like momentary insanity.... So of course, it is very difficult to do the right thing.  The only thing we can do is to take preventive measures to avoid falling into the net of the Y.H. and the aveira goreres aveira" which shleps through the mud.

2) from a different  angle,this sounds like  classic "Compulsion" -doing an action which u do not want to do, which logically does not make sense to u, but u do it any way. This is the "powerlessness" and the insanity which is described in step one of the 12 steps. What is the solution of the 12 steps? First admit that u on your own are powerless. Then reach out for help from others who are recovering and from Hashem.
"Habah L'tahare missayehin oso" One who takes  sincere  action to purify himself,he will be helped"
May Hashem guide your steps to grow in  kedusha!

So it has been some time since I was able to post. YU has started and lots things are starting up again. BH I am learning, davening, socializing, etc. Dov has told me to focus just on these things and not on my lust. Let Hashem remove my lust through my koach hatorah and tefilla.
Next week, IYH, I plan on visiting a new therapist here and discuss some things.
Thats all for now.
Baruch Hashem Yom Yom.
kesiva vchasima tova everyone.

hello all

Here is my thought on this fall. We have a 5 second window before the yh takes over. I try to always have one positive image to break that train of thought (i admit this is only day 5) we all know a positive thought followed by another by another can break the yh for that moment.

I hope this helps. At the very least contact me (in that 5 second window) and I will help

Thanks need-

One positve thought in the midst of my fantasy, hm? sounds interesting. i will try it.

Just to clarify I do not plan on implementing that last suggestion on a lechatchila basis.

As we come towards Yomim Noraiam many thoughts come through my head. I think of prevRH's and YK's of about the past 5 years, which have been focused (i.e. my davening, my thoughts, my vidui's) primarily on the averios stemming from lust. Each year I came back to Hashem and discussed basically only these issues. It is not any different this year- when I read about teshuva the ONLY thing that comes to mind are these sins that everyone on this site has in common. Nothing else (sins, lack of doing positive mitzvos) that I might/did do comes to mind. It is all overshadowed by my struggle with lust.
a) Doies anyone else feel this way?
b) does anyone have any thoughts on this? Is this good- it shows I am focused on fixing myself or letting Hashem help me... or is it bad- I am ignoring everything else I do poorly...
(I mean I do think of some other sins, but probably not all of them.)
While  I will of course be emotional at the davening as I always am, this year I have decided to curb that somewhat and to focus on moving forward. Now longer will I cry out aimlessly- "take my sins away! I will never do them again!" Rather, I will say to Hashem in a very calm manner- WE are progressing in this fight together and while we have a while to go, I think we are making progress. I cannot say what I will do tomorrow because I dont know- I am an addict. Rather, it is all in YOUR hands.
Thanks everyone here- this will be my first RH and YK since being on the site. I feel that I have have gained an entirely new perspective on my strggle; a whole new outlook on what I am dealing with and many tips to help myself and let Hashem remove my lust from me. Thank you very much!

Hashem saved me last nite from being MZLV- unbelievable. It shoed me that a) I have a ways to go and b) Hashem listens to my davening and helps me out in this fight.

Ksiva v'chasima tova.

I think my Rosh haShana went very well despite what you will read next...

I fell on the second night. BUT - I have never fought so hard before. Back and forth, I felt like yaakov fighting the angel- I am going to do it, and then I wait it out...I said shema. I went outside and read a magazine hoping to get tired. It didnt work. The urge was strong. I finally put myself out of the struggle and I fell.

the next day I told Hashem that although I ultimately fell, it was nothing like in year's past where I would not have even thought about not doing what I wanted!!

I am thouroghly confused.

One the one hand- I know that halacha says HZL is wrong. I am reading Mesilas Yesharim where he says that we are judged for the smallest of actions. I know that I should be able to conquer my lust and that maybe I am not putting enough effort into it. I read about yirei chet and wonder if I fit the bill at all....

On the other hand- I am feeling the pressures and burden of school/yeshiva. I actually question exactly why HZL is assur for someone in my situation. I try to learn everyday, daven to Hashem to assist me in my struggle, give tzedaka. I have won battles. I am active on this site. I hear about people that supposedly mstrbt much more than I do. I am inundated by (TRUE) fact that Hashem loves me, that teshuva is accepted even after many many falls, etc.

SO--- How should I feel going into this Yom Kippur?! Should I feel optimistic that I am on the right path- after all- I am doing a lot more hishtadlus than I ever have to fight this! Should I feel that my teshuva will be accepted? Or should I feel a tremendous amount of pachad, upset that I keep falling...?

The question you should be asking is not how should you feel, but rather how do you feel....

Hi Struggling Guy
Do not give up the fight.I am much older than you and the yetharah has done its number on me for over 40 yearsand won.I believe it really has wrcked my ability to think properly,stopped my growth pschologicaland other bad things.Save your selfand fight it as if your lif depended i
on it.BECAUSE IT REALLY DOES.One thing I started sice realizing I am a sex aholic a couple of weeks ago is havy work on shmiras aynayim.I remove my glassed when ever I might see women.-this includes weddings.I do not listen to or view  or read anything that willl have stimulating pictures-even models or readings that could trigger me .So far it helps
Fight Hard and watch yourself there are no freebies.Hashem
wants you to grow but he's is giving you the challenge of your life.I heard or read somewhere that the vilna gaon says the nisayon that we face in our current life is undoubtably the test we faced and failed in a previus life.We have to fight it.
worthless

thanks worthless-

yiddle-  I said I feel confused at the present moment...

Said who?  If your an addict the 12-step approach says you don't have a shot at conquering it on your own no matter how much effort you put into it.  That's why you need the steps, spiritual experience, GOD.

It seems the real reason right now that you should want to stop is because it is making you miserable.  Stopping for God is a nice high falutin idea but is apparently very ineffective.  In general I think as addicts we are much better off putting teshuva on these things on the back burner till we can get some solid recovery and revisit teshuva when wer'e healthier.  I think  Rabbeinu Yonah's Yesod Hateshuva may make a a simillar point.

Yasher koach for your willingness to approach Yom Kippur with a seriousness. It is a day of total Rachamei Shamayim and needs to be utilized to the max with sincere prayer. try to pick some very small areas to commit to work on-saying one bracha a day carefully.
Get your hands on the Yesod HaTshuva!!! it is printed in machzorim or in the back of the Sharei HaTeshuva by  Rabeinu Yonah.
Gmach Chasimah tova.