:o

What is the problem with those words? What does it imply to you that you find problematic? Please speak this out and we can discuss and give this a fair shake...

No problem at all. It's just interesting/refreshing to approach this from a non frum perspective (putting the whole zera levatala/ shmiras einayim thing aside). All the musar and awareness of the issurim can't/didn't stop us anyway! The thing you told me the other day resonates with me. The outcome of looking at this from a frum perspective actually results in ga'ava instead of humility  :o :o :o. I can't tell you how many times I felt like a tzadik/gibor/immune/better than my frum peers for overcoming this while the opposite is the truth, I'm the screwed one with a problem and can't afford to do/see things they can.

Priceless.

used wikipedia to look up some questionable things- i rationalized it- thank god i have a k9 filter still on the comp- it 100% prevented me from p
while i should not have gotten that close- this is what happens sometimes
bh i have been solid in other areas

That's overall good news, no?

spoke way to soon- YH got me last night mstrbtng thinking abt my wife's friend. yes it is true. this type of fantasy feels so not right when outside of the heat of the moment- but what kind of chidush is that? (all of our behavior feels sick afterwards)
we happen to be in nidda, but as was mentioned earlier on my posts- it is not an excuse i can handle.
  - what will i do going forward?
well the trigger was that this girl came over for a couple minutes yesterday which reignited the fantasy. but i cannot say that it will go away even tho i will not see her in person in the near future
learned well this morning but i need more than that...but the fact that i  picked myself up was a positive sign.
  i will daven for siyata dshmaya and try to put these thghts away

I can't really suggest anything (I'm not married) but I'm sending you a virtual hug. I hope everything works out well for you.

Keep strong!

thx
this particular episode does not have to do exclusively with marraige tho- it is a standard mstrbtng case while thinking of someone you met

Unfortunately, been there, done that especially in my teens. It's just that I assume it is more intense and real once you are married (it is not all fantasy anymore...). Another difference is that I'm sure that there is guilt which makes it even more difficult. I really hope you find a solution to all this (nobody can say that you haven't been trying).

ya i hear the chilukim...
maybe when i said in an earlier post that i thght that thinking abt my wife's friend is horrible and disgusting, maybe i was "lying" to myself and the gye crowd just to sound like i have everything basically 'under control' . maybe i do not really find anything wrong with thinking abt other people (when my wife is a nidda and i am not with her - i dont think of other people when i am with her)
this is obviously a problem which i need to work on

why do i just type instead of doing something abt my mstrbtng issue- idk
mstrbtd again tday, but learned a decent amount of morning seder...cant change the past som learning is prob best i could have done (and do) after that (every) fall....

thought of ppl other than wife again, but was not motze

is this a victory (bec not motze) ? or another fall?

any tips?

thx.

GYE says thats a slip not a fall, so that sounds like a victory.
I am still very much struggling with M. etc., but Iv'e learned (at least for me) that the triggers that are out of our hands to avoid aren't our responsibility, if they cause falls the problem is more internal.
You wrote about not being able to change the past, maybe try to work on taking the struggle on day at a time - forget the past and future, only the present moment is important. I'm new here, and this is helping me a lot. (If at first it seems easy to feel that way, know your fooling yourself, 'cause it's not).

thx MB