Before I go to bed, if I am worried about lusting or wet dreaming or doing something that might damage my precious sobriety, I pray to Hashem. The way I used to pray (that did not work) was: "PLEEEESE save me from a wet dream tonight! You know how much I want to be tahor and holy for You tonight!!"
Of course, stupid tefilos are not answered as we like, and those ones were quite stupid. They felt well-meaning, though, and I did cry, after all...
But c'mon. He (yisborach) is not blind and dumb: If I really cared that much about kedusha, then why was I having so much faith in the bimbos and so desperately chased after their images so often - and with a brenn (hislahavus), a predictability (hasmodoh), a privacy (hatzneya leches), and focus (kavonnoh) like no other. Hmm? If I really wanted to be a kodosh and cared even a bit more about His kovod than for mine, then why did I find it so impossible for so many years to just open up to people who could really help me about the exact nature of my problem even though it had reached ridiculous proportions?
"I just can't go into a room of fellow perverts - someone might recognize me!" This is our craziness. And I had it for about ten years, too, so I do not look down at anyone for it now, either. But it truly is a pathetic beis avodim.
If people knew how true "we are only as sick as our secrets" really is, and how to safely let the cat out of the bag and with whom to do it with...they'd be smashing down the doors! Liberation - finally. But no - "it doesn't fit exactly with how I understood the Messilas Yeshorim, or my 12th grade rebbi, or whatever...nu. Does their own compulsive schmutz use and unzipping of their own pants make a whole lot of sense to them? What high standards we all have as addicts...
Sorry, I got carried away again. What was the point again?
So when I surrender and pray now, it goes something more like this: "Hashem, I want you to please give health and happiness to Freida/Janet/shprintza (I use their real names befeirush) and protect her (and her and her) and her children and family from tzoress, from cancer, sadness, injury, and poverty. Help guide her to learn of You better than I know you, and help her come to know that all the beauty in her life is from You so that she will really have a relationship with You. And in the same way, help her have only real, safe, and genuine relationships with all people. Protect her from bad influences and from costly making mistakes in her life. Thank You so much, I love you and please give me all those brochos as well, so I can be useful to You and your people and come to know You better, too." Then I say Sh'ma, Adon Olam, smile at Him a little (Hashem is my Friend), and lay down to sleep. If I can't fall asleep, I read Lord of the Rings for a few minutes (or sometimes a nice sefer) and plotz.
If it is not sincere at all, then I do not say it, for He knows the truth. But I do care for strangers, as evidenced by the fact that I would rush to call 911 if I witnessed anybody fall down unconscious and bash their face on the ground ripping their lip with their teeth and bleeding. Blood gets me concerned - for anybody. That proves to me that I do care about anyone, even the shikseh in the supernarket or in the picture that I 'like so much'. So I daven for her, by name.
Running away from the lust in fear is silly. It gives it much more power. If I already have her in my mind and cannot just push her out, then the best thing for me to do is admit it, face it, and use her real name (unless it is a poisonous lust-name that is obviously fake) and daven for her, indirectly surrenderring my lust for her that way. I do not even have to ask Him to take away my lust for her - we do not really lust for someone that we care for, especially after we come to face their humanity. These women are mothers, sisters, daughters. Not objects. Love kills lust. Especially with the wife. The more lust I have, the less lust will control me and vice versa.
Many times I have repeated the prayer, "Hashem (G-d, Tatty, whatever), whatever I am really looking to get from her image, let me find it in You instead." And I trust that eventually He will, in His time. That's a surrender, too. A surrender to the truth. It works. Especially if I call a friend up and say these same tefillos to Hashem sometimes, on the phone - say it to Hashem while my buddy listens. Awkward, sure. But it is worth it. No one will laugh me off the phone - I will not die from doing that. If it is real, then it is real, period. Do we believe in G-d, or not?
If I touch myself for self-pleasuring, I am making a mistake and only I am the loser. For me, surrendering is not a thing I can do in a vacuum - it is part of a perspective on lust and on life. It is part of a constellation of behaviors that I do for my recovery one day at a time. I am either consistent and take action - or it's partially fake. Gotta admit that to G-d and to people if I want to improve in that. When is the last time you heard a yeshivah bochur admitting to others that is is not really sure that there is G-d listening to him, or that he is not that serious about the fact that G-d can really help him out, or admitting to a group of his friends that he feels G-d does not want to help him that much? That's OK for normals, but not for us. What are we afraid of? Facing the truth is assur? Is it?
True, it may grow slowly over a long time, but how much pain do we want to take before it gets unbearable?
Hope this makes some sense. Sorry about the megillah...going overboard again...
