missed shiur again today. yesterday i needed the day off. today it was bec I didnt go to seder so I wouldnt know what is going on...
shiur is hard. hopefully IYH I will get back on track next week

watched crap after getting an urge late tonight . my comp doesnt have k9 yet-

texted w mac now i am off and posting here

Always good to see you. How are things going?

purim was nice...

just got around my k9 by typing in '*******' - which isnt blocked. luckily didnt really see anything. then my friend came over and it pissed me off but actually it saved me.

midterms coming up- stressed a little

what abt you?

I was searching for some stupid videos on ***** ***** and it led me to revealing photos of celebrities. My fault - I lingered around. Unfortuantely K9 didnt block them, not sure why not... anyone know why k9 wouldnt block these types of pics?

Was gonna watch some not so great netflix flicks today on an unfiltered comp. ( i borrowed my friend's) but the wifi was slow and i couldnt watch-
Hashem saved me
Good shabbos

I cannot handle watching television freely. I see it in the rooms of the people I visit and it seems that every other show has lust-worshipping sex-pushing themes. Though a frum yid might think it crazy to say this, it's gotta be said:

Perhaps it is a ma'aloh of much of the goyishe public out there that they are able to watch this trash and still go home and be reasonably happy with life and function reasonably normally. I, on the other hand, would watch (R"l) a movie that everybody else appreciates for the story, or the acting - yet to me the entire memory is that one dirty scene. Something is off with me, for sure. And that's a lust addict for you.

Those who go off on putting society down for it's debased and disgusting character are certainly correct - but that does me no good whatsoever. I know of plenty yeshivish yidden who rode around in chains of lust, secretly putting all of their day "on hold" till their little rondezvous in the bathroom...and all the while they took pains to point out that it was the prosteh society that is at fault. Puleez. Recovery comes from honesty, not finger-pointing. No matter how true the finger-pointing may be.

The thing that matters is this: What helps us more, being brutally honest about everybody else and about what's wrong with everything out there - or being brutally honest with ourselves and what is twisted inside us? 

So, what do you want? Do you even know?

(BTW, I still respect you a lot, don;t be mistaken. But this needs to be asked of ourselves, so why not you too?)

You're right.

[BTW- just from an editorial standpoint- there are many things I have thought about that dont end up on the site. why? cuz it doesnt seem relevant to write every single thought down..,.]

  I have thought about how on the one hand - i read a lot of psychology stuff about how males are super drawn to sex, think about it more, do it more, etc. etc. Stuff like that makes me think- OK I am normal. it is normal to be drawn a little to these things- I am a normal 22 yr old celibate male , what is wrong with exhibiting normal actions...

  Other times I think - ya, but my actions still may be over the line. I may be drawn to certain books, certain shows, certain photos more than other guys, more than other yeshiva guys my age. and so This is why i have a very protected computer among other precautioins I have indeed taken.


  I realize (at least part of the time that ain hadavar taloi ela bi- I need to take responsibility despite how hard things are

  Continuin my regular 'blog', I was good over  shabbos until late motzai shabbos when i m'd.

StrugglingGuy wrote on 28 Mar 2011 20:48:


Why do you read that crap? ...OK, OK, so I have read that stuff, too. Lapped it up, actually. Poison, that's all it is - except for those (like Hugh Hefner) who really still love it and it's working well for them and not messing their lives up. But if it is making you miserable, then why would you want to keep suffering? Why do we keep running away from who we are and keep trying to be someone else? The fact is that unlike some 'lucky' people in the world (who may actually exist), our very best and most desperate attempts at controlling and enjoying lust did not, do not, and probably will not work for us, or else we would not be on this forum. (BTW, that is the exact tochen of AA's step 1) And...


...it really is pretty easy if you give it up (even for purely and totally selfish and unholy reasons like, "I love it - but it makes me more miserable than anything else I know of!"). Especially easy if you let go of it together with other people who you actually know. Hatzlocha.

Why do we do any of the crap that we do? Cuz it gives us pleasure obviously. It is exciting to even do the search on google and find new works with our lusty trigger words. Many here know what I talking about.

I get in this trance. My body gets sweaty and I cant move myself away from the computer. It's called powerlessness , I know.

This morning, Hashem slayed the YH for me twice.

This afternoon, I was closer to an unprotected computer in an empty room. I asked Hashem to help me bec i had lust pangs in the bathroom. I held off for a while but eventually succombed and looked at my usual crap. I then spoke w macabee on gchat and we spoke about admitting powerlessness and letting Hashem handle the situation.

I know that I should use my protected computer but sometimes the otrher comps are closer when i geninuenly need to write papers. Can Hashem save me when I put myself in an unprotected situation? Prob. not.

I move on today with my protected laptop and a usb flash drive so I dont need to work on other computers.

I am working with maccabee mainly.

As long as all you are doing is working on not messing up, I think you are way mistaken. Good luck. 

im not sure what u mean....

besides for all this precautionary stuff, I try to learn 3-5 hours a day, daven 3 times a day, treat others with warmth and respect, do my work so my parents are gtetting what they pay for, running an chizuk giving organization, etc. etc.

this is indeed called not focusing on my illness, rather embracing everything else about life, the God-concious, religous way

this illness is only one part of my avodas Hashem- there is too much else i am capable of doing to let this one aspect drag me down

as my friend Mac says, it is a new day everyday, and Hashem will help and love us in our illness as we recover. Baruch hashem Yom Yom, I have a positive attitude everyday- so Have a good day holy brothers

Never mind, sounds great. If it is working for you, then it's obviously working. If it doesn't, then obviously there is still something missing for you. Alei vhatzlach, chabibi!

What do you mean working?

I would like to stop, but I am powerless over this. This attitude might work as an attitude but I am not sure if I have made progress in terms of staying clean....

It is confusing definitely--- I have different feelings at different times: feelings of guilt, feelings of confidence, feelings of optimism, feelings of despair

I am powerless, too. And if I have the tools to save me from having to act out, and I see my life as being more given over to my G-d and I am often feeling secure in His 'hands', then I consider that "working".

No perfection here, except that acting out is completely not an option any more, today.

And with the tools I now possess, I have no fear that I will have to act out, today. These tools include:

Friends who freely admit they are recovering perverts so I have no shame before them and can be totally honest w/o holding anything back. (I never had that before - there was always someone I had to 'impress');

A G-d who I am no longer afraid of (I accept that Hashem is not mean, capricious, nor ignorant, and will do only what is the very best for me, no matter what - He is 100% on my side, not 90%, not dependent on my behavior - 100% no matter what he is my best friend forever, and was before I was born, too);

Phone #s of at least 30 people I can call to admit what I want to do (and I know they will not make the stupid mistake of trying to convince me not to 'do it' - but will truly understand my same pain and how much it hurts me to let go of the desire, and will just admit that they are happy that I called them....that's all I need to let go and let Hashem in to free me of the obsession, and it works every time);

People to sponsor: 'sponsees' (they are the reminders of the Gift Hashem gave me of sobriety - so it stays precious in my eyes, even when I feel crappy);

Some integrity (Working the steps with real live people who were also working them gave me that as a gift from you-know-Who);

Being part of a community (fellowship) of other successfully recovering addicts (gives me faith that it can be done, even when I doubt it is possible);

Powerlessness (yup!- without that, I'd be canned every time I started to see some improvement, as I have seen so many others do over and over. When I see the abject, embarrassing failures of others who thought they were 'healed' and should be 'able' to control and enjoy lust...well, their failures teach me not to be so arrogant, so they have a z'chus, I guess.)

And other tools I cannot remember right now....ah, to be young again and remember stuff!