...I don't think that's quite what that means.  There's no excuse to just go ahead and indulge.

ur right- im not saying that once it is there-i will just go ahead and indulge bec i dont care anymore
im saying that to be honest with myself- i cannot resisit these books and i will fall as a result of them. it is just a fact not an attitude.

I think i hear ur frustration. Yes,we r powerless over lust  meaning we can not win the battle on our own. We have to reach out for help...to program chaverim.... to Hashem ect.
imho,i think we need to take actions to avoid temptations i.e. minimize the confrontation. Like an alcoholic should not be working in a beer factory....
of course as we grow in recovery,the threshold may shift
i hope this helps.

StrugglingGuy wrote on 29 Dec 2010 21:16:


How is it a fact? Just curious....

Is it a fact because you tell yourself you cant?? (if so thats an attitude..)

Is it a fact because thats what you believe?? (if so thats just a belief..)

when im at my grandmothers house i throw these books away before i lokk at them bec i know they are pois BECAUSE I HAVE FELL WITH TEM BEFORE. so yes yiddle it becomes a fact after a while.
but the other day i was satying at someones room for the foirst time and once i saw the books i knew i was done- i just flip to the juicy parts no matter how long it takes.
i used to think i could muscle my way out of things but not anymore. there is no point.now i just give up the fight to Hashem BEFORE i even see the books. why try to fight a losing battle? just ask Hashem to take it away in the first place

with finals here and stuff- i wanted to look at some stuff today but k9 and Hashem helped stop me.
thank You.

hatzlacha raba! 

StrugglingGuy wrote on 30 Dec 2010 00:38:
Not necessarily in that order, of course . May you continue to be gebentsched!

StrugglingGuy wrote on 30 Dec 2010 00:33:
..
S.G. ,do i understand correctly,that u would not act out at your grandmother's house?
if so, u have identified a strength which could help u the next time your Y.H. comes knocking. Just imagine that u r at gm's and act accordingly. Each of us have momements  of strength.
btw how r the exams going?

It's unlikely that someone is teleporting you into a room with these books.

(Speaking of teleporting, did you ever see "The Fly"?  How come that never happened on Star Trek every so often--it's basically the same technology, isn't it?)

Anyways... what happened before?  And before that?  And before that?

There's quite a few stages we go through before we fall.  Before we end up in that room with all those books.  Or, whatever the case may be.  Start paying attention to this.  We can't resist when the books are in front of us.  But when the whole situation really started, when it was a tiny little kernal of a temptation, minutes before, hours before, days before, sometimes weeks before, THAT'S when we can catch ourselves, change something, change direction.

--Eye.

thanks everyone for your posts
exams are going ok, i have 3 more to go
i have fallen at my grandmother's house many times because of these books. now i take them and put them far away when i step into the room (wher i am staying)
but the other night was different- i had to crash somewhere because of the new york blizzard and he happened to have a couple books there. i didnt have the strength to put them away although if i did i would have been ok

Glad your exams are going well. Hope you had a pleasant shabbos.

The schmutzy books at my Mom's house have been a horrible challenge for me basically all my life. I acted out with them hundreds and hundreds of times. Sometimes I still want to.

Whenever I go to my Mother's, I have a simple rule: I am not able to look at the books at all. They are just like looking at a woman, for me.

And be"H, I don't.

And I use the same rule I use for women: Seeing them is not the problem. My problem is staring at them or looking again - it will neam that I will think about them and desire them - my very body will change my desires and they will look desireable to me, if I stare at them and think about them. In other words: "The first look is on G-d, the second look is on me."

Easy does it.

At the very least, even if I am trying to depend on Hashem to help me, the battle-lines must be drawn back. I cannot keep having the same struggle. If I do, then "the struggle continues", and thanks to all the humiliation I have endured already at my own hands, I choose to have the humility to admit that I will eventually lose that battle. It is not a battle for this Dov.

Can you admit that yet, or not?

I think it is a matter of humility, period. It is surrender. Without it, the struggle will continue forever.

yes it is surrender at this point- like u said i cannot allow myself to get near these books. the case i was writing about was when i was caught off guard and found myself with those books, alone in the room for the night. a similiar thing happened to me a couple months ago also.
i dont go to the reg libarary that often but it is a slight challenege for me- i try to get what i need and get out

I relate. Hatzlocha!