shulchan aruch says 18... or the first time oyu have a dodgy thought...scary
  :-[

So after a great shabbos aufruf of my friend, my trip ended in mstrbtn.
It seems that when I go away for shabbos, I 'forget' (or my YH crosses the line of fair game) my defense mechanisms against my YH. If it was my house, I'd have thrown the shmutzy books in the trash, but it wasnt my house. Also, I 'forgot' something else that I do when I go to sleep, partly because it was not my room.
After I fell once, there was a taavah to fall again, but I held up. I guess I can find comfort in that.
Does anyone know about finding a live sponsor? (Dov spoke about it today in the email.) I can tell you where I live if that would help...
Sometrimes my lust fills my up and although I can push it away for a little bit, at some point I give in...
PLease respond to this with something
thanks
sg

Hey SG,

It is great that you are growing even through your falls. It is very important to recognize growth. Teshuvah is going back to a state where you were originally. We were originally babies so we can only take baby steps.

Regarding finding a live sponsor, you would have to go to a live SA meeting. I could help you find one near you if you'd like.

Sheva Yipol Tzadik Ve'kam!

-Yiddle

StrugglingGuy wrote on 03 Jun 2010 13:28:


I echo the guys who suggest consulting your Rebbeim? What about your parents?
If you think that by getting married you will be solving you problem.... please think again.
True,there is a concept in Chaz"l of Pas B'Salo.... however with today's nisyanos I can share from experience that marriage was not the solution for me. Actually,I was hoping that the "magic of marriage" would change everything ,but things actually became much more complicated. Of course,please don't misunderstand me that I am discouraging marriage. Maybe early marriage. Also depends on you goals and plans? What do you have in mind re parnosa,learing ect?  In all fairness to you ,keep it real!
Plus,a person recovering from an addiction needs guidance about what stage in recovery is best to get involved in a relationship. Hope that was helpful.

random thoughts-

Was my week of tahara due to my personal striving or just the YH taking a break?!
I fell twice last night without putting up a fight, forgetting to make my 'save' call, etc etc.

I realize that the challange is not the day after a fall, its the week after. That's when my body goes on automatic pilot and ignores anything my Yetzter Tov wants to say.

This was after attending a wedding yesterday. A wedding is a lot of things, and it also means girls. While ultimately I think that I could go a month without seeing a single girl and still have the same taavos as before, it probably does not help the situation at a wedding. I was not purposefully staring at anyone, but you know- they are there.

where to go from here? I think I'll join a new 12 stepper with Dov.

Continue to daven for me...

that sounds like a great plan... i like the way u think -- very practical ;D ;D


as far as what accounted for a week of purity - hard to say. in my experience, it could even be due to both less y'h and increased effort. often times though, we don't even realize that the effort we put in is itself tremendously weakening the y'h long before it becomes a problem. Its kinda like uprooting a weed long before it has the time to bud.

Forgive me if this sounds wrong, but not feeling a fight for a whole week might even be Hashem's way of saying "keep up the great effort kido" on a daily basis.

and finally.... i'll agree to your comment about the girls. their presence doesn't really help at all. for me, its always a trigger of some raw emotion, even if i am not thinking inappropriate thoughts at the time. its almost like theres "somethign in the air" - and it makes it harder to breather whether you realize it or not.

just my thoughts.... open to rebuke  ;D  8)

I hear that, but here's the thing.

The clean week- It is not like I had  challeneges which I continuously overcame; rather I just did not have a challange at all. and then last night.

So what does that mean? Looking back it does not seem I actually overcame ANYTHING!

StrugglingGuy wrote on 14 Jun 2010 13:53:

May I respectfully disagree? For me, the victory of being victorious (??) is that it shows one part of me that victory is possible. In those moments of dark and weakness, I might be tempted to think, well I won't be able to hold on and hold out anyhow. So I'd might as well give in.

But once your mind has the knowledge that victory is possible, for a month or day or hour, that argument won't work any more.

I don't know whether it helps you to think about "every day is a victory; you never lose that time as a great merit in H's eyes, etc. For me, it's useless. But it IS helpful to know I've got one more logical argument to throw at the Y'H: "nuh uh, it AIN'T impossible; I've done it; maybe not forever but I've done it; and I'm gonna do it again; nyaah."

Just a thought....

I realize that b'shas maaseh- I don't really struggle to withstand YH's temptations! (I should not give myself so much credit)

Rather, when my YH tells me to do something because it brings instant pleasure, I listen to it. My mind is not in struggle mode! Unfortuantely its in mstrbtng mode...

In actuality, the 'struggle' is really general regret that I feel a second later, an hour later, a day later, etc.

(I mean sometimes I do manage to push it off, and sometimes I will come back to it and not be able to overcome the YH. I guess that would be a struggle.)

comments?

guys- Can I hear more of you?

sg

BH I am doing well now. (hate the lusty music they play on the radio though that sometimes i have to listen to if im someone elses car)

S.G.
greetings! hope u are doing o.k. Please do me a favor and stop focusing on what u r not going to do. Pick some wholesome postive actions which u will make into new good habits. I know this is not easy,but try being one of the first 10 at Shacharis. maybe come early and learn from a musar sefer (like Orchos Tzadikim) ,then keep in mind during davening  that you are speaking Hashem who is our loving heavenly Father who is the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe who wants to help us and is capable of helping us! (Aveinu ,Malkeinu)
BTW
i have posted this eslewhere,but in case u missed it i am posting it again for your ha'nah.  i hope  u  find it geshmak.
doing o.k. wanted to share an insight
derech drush
on the tefiloh of Acheinu Bais Yisroel with our chevra in mindHaNesunim b'tzaroh - the tzaros of evrey  day life which we seek to escape
U'vishivya - The captivty of addiction
HaOmdim bein b'yam -indulging in the ta'voh
bein b'yabasha  -"dry" abstaining

Tzorah l'rivucha learning how to deal with tzaros without escaping to the numbness of addiction

Afayleh the darkness of insanity (ruach sh'tus of following the Y.H.)
l'orah clarity in what the ratzon Hashem is for every step we take

shiybude-following the YH the addiction the Ale Zaar
l'geulah freedom from addiction,recovery, being totally in line with the ratzon Hashem
Anyway ,hope u enjoyed it even if it is not poshet taitch ,this approach allows us to keep the chevra in mind and daven for each other

Thanks for everyones support!

Have a great shabbos.

sg

very good until today - im home alone- a get curious, check out some romance novels and then go to some p*** for about 5 minutes (too much)

immediately fixed the content advisor.

p*** has not been such a problem. i thought i would go to shul to learn but i got caught up...ruach shtus i guess
ill head to the beis soon

does anyone know if i played p*** videos will they stay on my comp even if i deleted all the websites i view...

                                                                                                                                                      /--------------------------
                                                                                                                                                    /
                                                                                              /------------------------\                    /
                                                                    /-------------------/                                \                  /
                                                                  /                                                            \------------/
                                /-------------\              /
                              /                    \--------/
            /------------/
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Sorry this forum doesnt allow for the fine arts. no intricate brushstrokes here. okay its abstract. know what that is?

its your struggle.

you said - "The clean week- It is not like I had  challeneges which I continuously overcame; rather I just did not have a challange at all. and then last night.

So what does that mean? Looking back it does not seem I actually overcame ANYTHING"

nothing??? you didnt do anything? why dont you give yourself some credit? when was the last time you had a clean streak that long? just building that up, which even though you may not have had any direct challenges, was still a direct result of you applying yourself to driving home the importance of facing these issues, is more than enough to appreciate having done.

its a mountain. you'll go up some steep, rocky climbs, youll go through some beautiful peaks where you can see the world around you clearly and things will be easier, more understandable. then comes the sweaty, muscle wrenching grind again. rising and falling. the point is- at the end of the journey-  regardless of what happened in between-

                                                                                                                        ________________ < and ended here









>you started here _________

thx shimras...

ill think abt that