Deterrent, schmeterrent.

Reb AT, are you in control of yourself when it comes to lust, or not? (I'm not, even though I'm sober)
How long can other people watching or the spectre of chilul Hashem really be expected to work to stop you?
Are you actually planning on 'beating' this problem mainly through ceaseless vigilance?
And finally: Does your heart tell you that the only real problem you have is environmental: the internet, pretty women, this stupid culture we live in, etc.?

My heart told me that even though my environment was certainly a challenge, I had a problem of some sort. It just didn't seem normal to have one's mind taken up by struggle with lust so often and so much of the time. If I "fixed" it here, it came out over there - if I stopped turning to lust when I was depressed, I found myself turning to it when I was happy! ??? Also, just getting out of the habit didn't stop me from being preoccupied and eventually succumbing later on. I was always counting the days I resisted it - as if reaching a mark of a month, year, or whatever, would mean something, much like a bar mitzvah of sorts..."Phew, I made it!"

Obviously, many people don't have this history and find success (however they define it) where I did not. I truly wish that success for you. But you posted your frustration above, so I am sharing with you that for me: Lo zu haderech.

For me, the Problem is as much a part of me my liver is, or as 'Fear' is - and it plays for keeps. All the external controls will not save my behind. The problem of my mental/emotional programming to use lust and human sexuality for purposes that it is not intended will not go away just because I don't act on it. Hashem clearly didn't give sexuality to us to run to for courage or comfort when we feel scared, lonely, or too emotional. Its tremendous power was not meant just for creating that 'trance' many of us experience while searching for schmutz in order to forget our stresses. All the stresses of life have their own real and healthy solutions...none of them require lust to work. Sexuality and the relationship that it is part of is clearly meant to raise a relationship to a deeper level. More connection and fewer separations - not more secrecy and lying!! That is always what lust led to for me, before marriage and in marriage. I always had it totally backwards! I perverted what Hashem gave me to use and enjoy, into a drug.

You can't really enjoy something that you require. Freedom is the gateway to pleasure. Addiction eventually ruins our enjoyment of whatever we are addicted to, actually. Then it slowly ruins everything else, too.

So this Pesach, I hope to be thinking about chayrus as the gateway to pleasure, bechirah, relationships, self-fulfillment, sobriety, avodah - Everything! Total Chayrus is the prerequisite of a melech. He's no melech at all if he's not totally free! No one stops him. He is even poreitz geder! No wonder sforim say that our entire avodah on Pesach is about Malchus, which is bechirah.

And in my own case, the one time I feel I have the least power of bechirah (freedom) of all, is when I am acting out on Lust, r"l. Thank-G-d I am sober today!

Dov, I think you're right.

The main struggle in my life as long as I can remember has been against a psychological condition, call it whatever you want, that made me anxious and paranoid and withdrawn and scared for weeks at a time for no reason, followed by a surge of enthiusiam and excitement.

I have been treated for this for years, and I think I have finally found a drug regimen that works for me. I think I was able to clean up my act in the period before about 2 weeks ago because I had these drugs supporting me. I recently started tinkering with it, and all the symptoms came back. So it seems that this is my baseline that will remove the reasons I started my addictions in the first place. Then I'll just need to wake up to the fact that life is much better without them. Without the drugs, I don't even have a shot at it.

We need to use every tool at our disposal to live the kind of life that is best for us, no shayloh. The very fact that you are taking concrete steps to do that is huge.

Have a huge (gadol) Shabbos! ...not in that order, though... ;D

I know how you feel, actually we ALL do. The first thing I read when I was getting involved with GYE was the GYE ATTITUDE HANDBOOK, you've probably already heard of it. But maybe Hakadosh Barekhu wants to give you a new perspective on your struggle, one you didn't have 40 days ago. The way you view Hashem, YH, and your self might give you the strength to fight on a deeper and more intense level than before. SO JUST READ THE ATTITUDE HANDBOOK, seriously it really help me when I felt like dirt.

aryehtahor wrote on 26 Mar 2010 15:19:


Hi. So nice to hear some refreshing honesty about what helps.

I tried raising the topic once, and it fell flat.  Would you like to take the (risk/step/first-foot/etc) and share a little more on the following thread? I'd be grateful, and would enjoy some company on the road.
rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=1905.0

If you can't make Dovid Chaim's the only now is the Thursday night group at 9 P.M. 

I think ! Correct me someone if I'm wrong.  There was a group on Monday nights.  Is it still on?  Not sure.

712-429-0690  PIN 225356

Only requirement:  Introduce yourself by any name you wish and join in the fun.

Elya

The reason you finally sit down and do it is because you think about it all day long. Make a commitment that if you have a lude thought, look at an erva etc. you will confess asap, i.e. whisper "I am sorry I looked at that woman" etc. For addicts like us there is no distinction between the initial thought and the final destruction of semen a day later. It was inevitable.

Don't wait to get married. Hashem will get you the wife that you need, at any point in your life. The wife is there precisely to fix your problems, even if it's unpleasant.

30years wrote on 29 Mar 2010 04:06:


What would you make of the saying "marriage is not a hospital"