I just fell in a bad way. In fact, I've been falling periodically every couple days for several weeks. My first attempt at the wall of honor got me to 40 days before I fell. Now I seem to be stuck in the gutter and unable to get past square one.

It's really really hard for me not to feel yayoosh right now. I've been thinking a lot about how to solve this problem, and other serious addictions I'm suffering from and I've tried a lot of different strategies. But I don't really see any progress! According to my attempts at the chart, I've regressed back to pre-GYE pre-Frum levels (I am a baal teshuva).

I am almost at the point of tears. I feel so frustrated, like I'm a little kid and an adult keeps dangling some candy at the end of a string but it's just a little too high for me to reach and I don't want to be tormented anymore. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? AM I A BAD PERSON? IS IT ALL MY FAULT?

I'm so scared of what will happen if I can't beat this. I want to like myself. I want to think that I'm capable of having a decent marriage if and when it happens. I'm tired. Too tired to figure out if I should join a phone conference, get a sponsor, do 12 steps, be part of an accountability group, get another filter, work on not looking at women, learn halachos, all of the above, none of the above...(sigh) I just don't know anymore.

aryehtahor wrote on 24 Mar 2010 03:03:


getting past 2 days is VERY hard.  Why? because you have no skin in the game (excuse the bad double meaning).  2 days you rationalize: Why worry? Another tiny aveyra - what's the big deal!?

aryehtahor wrote on 24 Mar 2010 03:03:

it is candy.  Exactly!

aryehtahor wrote on 24 Mar 2010 03:03:

Filter is very important.  REDUCE OPPORTUNITY - use brute force!  Stop looking at Strange Women. You've no business looking at them.  I do it all the time!  But I am trying not to.  SOmetime I givemyself a little "treat" - a sneak peak.  But Hashem sees it.  My wife, she FEELS it.  And she is as mad as HELL with me.  She doesn;t know why - but she HATES ME for it. 

Regarding the accountabiluty sponsor.  I've never done that, I;ve thought it would help me.

I am on day two.  My previous record was SIXTY+ days.  Ihave NO IDEA how to get back there.  it seems such a long way  away.    Let me know if you want to do the accountability partner thing. (PM me)

dearest aryeh,

please do not get discouraged

i too have the hardest time picking up on day 2. most often, i have found a direct pattern falling one day and immediatly falling the next or the day after.

this is most obviously due to underlying emotional duress ( most likely caused by the first fall).

as mentioned earlier, a filter is basically a must, but really these are only external issues. if you havn't heard it a million times yet, lust is only a byproduct of the real problem.  This and much much more I am coming to fully understand through the 12 steps. (signup is easy and chep - $3 - with skype... cough cough) I really reccomend it to everyone who continues to struggle. i'm begining to see real results at the root of the problem and i'm learning to work on the right issues. (Finnally)

Hashem is really hand choosing you to know Him on the most intamite and real level possible. He is simultaneously guiding you onto a path of self-discovery  and of closeness to Him (which includes happiness, contentment, control, etc...) In retrospect, for myself, I can now more clearly see that even my falls were real nudges by H' onto an entirely unbeaten path - the path to self discovery. Each fall becomes a louder message demanding further introspection and determination of what went wrong, what do I have to fix. In essence, all I'm trying to say is...........

He cares about you.

So if on your level,in your unique situation,you are trying hard,and you are doing what you can,you are connecting with Hashem.

There is no way in the world that He believes you are a rotten person.even if you may be struggling with "rotton" things that is not the true you,He knows this and you know this.

Talk to Him all the time.

It helps.

He is telling you that He loves you,even if you cant hear it yet.

One day you will.

Haltzlacha raba,

Ahron
(btw  - we should probably catch on on the phone sometime soon  ;D. Its been way too long) :-*

Hey Aryeh,

You are not a bad person and you are not in a hopeless situation because you obviously want to change and grow. Atm, I think the YH might be trying to discourage you by making you feel like dirt and making your task seem insurmountable.

Don't worry about all these things that you can't control like, will I hold out to tommorow, can I make it past two days etc. Just FOCUS on today and this moment, because that's the only thing with which you have the power to effect.

There's a reason for everything, including all our falls and slips, so you need to identify (writing them down might help, by making them more concrete) all the reasons and possible causes. Then you have to stick within the safety zone you've created. Keep things simple, that way you'll remember to do them. If you feel tempted then ask yourself is it worth it, am I prepared to accept the consequences and what am I really acquiring from these insane behavious?

Also believe that you can and will pull yourself out of the 'gutter' bc you've hit 40 days already in the recent past. You can and have done it. This time you can use the experience and knowledge you've acquired from your falls to go further and higher.

We're all here for you, so use us as much as you need.

TC and Good luck,

DL       

What’s wrong with 1000 day 1s?????
The only way to go in one day at a time!!!!!!! Always look forward towards the next day.

I know your feelings. I was 138 days clean and I fell and it took me a long time, maybe months, to get back to two weeks clean. The first couple of days are the hardest. We don't care and the urge is strong.

GET A FILTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you really think you can do this on your own?

My advice would be to try to spend a few days off the computer. If you don't need it (make sure that need is very real and pressing not the need the YH tell us WE NEED IT NOW!) stay far from it and busy yourself with other things. Do things you enjoy and then when those days are over you will be in better shape. When I first started here I took a week off from any media.

The only thing to consider is that you will not have access to the chizuk here.You can think about making an exception foor GYE but I personally find that I can't trust myself to only go on GYE and read chizuk emails it is either all or nothing.

Thank you everyone.

Regarding the filter issue, I have broken through my filter so many times that I'm not sure what to do at this point. I know the fact that shmutz is within a few clicks is destroying me, but it seems that patching up the filter is pointless because I always find a way through. I have broken through countless times. Plus, I need general internet access for my university classes so I can't ditch the internet completely.

But yeah, now things are a little more clear. I can't really do anything until I have some sort of barrier between me and shmutz. Doing other strategies is going to be pointless until I can make shmutz harder to get at. I think I am accepting the truth about myself that, put in a room with a computer with internet that doesn't effectively block porn, I will fall. Period.

Get the webchaver software.

There are two things you will need to do.  1) Interrupt the cycle and 2) eliminate (or more properly replace) the addictive cycle with healthy alternatives.  The first is more urgent in the beginning phases of recovery.  But the second is more important for long-term recovery.  In my experience, in all spheres of life, tending to the important things is more effective than being in reactive mode to the urgent.  If we take care of the important things then there are fewer urgent things. Reread that last sentence.

Have you ever read any of Patrick Carnes' books?

I would be interested in reading your recovery plan.

Yes, to all of these things.  When someone asks how soon will I get better, the answer is "how soon will you begin working the steps."  PERIOD.  You must get out of isolation and into groups or talk to people one on one.  Yes you should join a phone conference, get a sponsor, do the steps, accountability group, etc.  If you want to get past 2 days, stay off the computer for 2 weeks.  If you don't need your computer for work, stay off of it.  Unplug it, throw it out the window, do something to show you are willing to get better.  After two weeks, after Pesach, you'll be able to get back on, with a good filter, once you begin working the steps and staying in a group of people to support you.

Elya

I have signed up for WebChaver and made my Rav the accountability partner. This is the first step.

After Pesach, I will join a 12 step phone conference group. I can't make the Duvid Chaim group at noon because I am in class at that time. Is there a particular other one I should aim for?

Finally, I will do a cheshbon about how much I really need my computer and, even though it may cause inconvenience, I will consider getting rid of it and only using public computers.

I feel stronger and more resolved now. I have a plan. I think the WebChaver in itself will be a powerful incentive not to mess around.

Kol Hakavod Aryeh! I'm sure it wasn't easy asking your Rav to be your accountability partner, but it's a BIG step toward recovery.

aryehtahor wrote on 25 Mar 2010 03:13:


Take into account that on public computer you cannot have accountability software installed.

That is a large pit that many of us fell into!

Public computers tend to be in public places. Being the only guy with a yarmulke for miles around, I'd be too afraid of getting caught and the shame that would ensue and the chillul hashem. I think that is a strong deterrent for me.

Mazal tov on getting webchaver!!