Hello,I'm relatively new here.I feel very confused I've had this addiction for thirty years and I've never really stopped battlig against it and yet I just can't seem to let go.I just came to The conclusion that maybe theres something in me that is different to everyone else,maybe I'm slightly disconnected from humanity in an autistic type of way.Does anyone know what I mean or am I going crazy!

Yup, you're crazy.

Just like the rest of us here.

And just like tens of thousands of others who are falling into this trap all the time.

You've come to the right place.

Read the handbooks and find sobriety, peace and serenity. And a new Kesher with Hashem!

Don't be lonely! We're all here for you. We'll support you and encourage you, and you can do the same for us. The mutual reinforcement will be very helpful.
The most important thing for you right now is to have NO ACCESS TO P**N WHATSOEVER. You need a strong filter on your computer, your phone, and whatever else gives you internet access. You can't fight this while you still have access. That would be like an alcoholic trying to get sober while still going to bars with his friends.
Also, since you've been stuck on this for a long time, the withdrawal will probably be very difficult. But you can work through it. I think i saw someone on the forum write that it feels like you're dying, but really it's just your Yetzer Hara dying, and you're just starting to really live!
Keep us all posted on how you're doing. Opening up about your struggle can be very therapeutic. Don't let yourself feel alone.
May Hashem bless you,
TOF

Wow - that is truly inspirational - no matter how difficult the battle was, you never stopped fighting. Now the good news: One of the great things about GYE is that you can learn from lots of other people about different approaches that can work for you! So now, after all this effort, you suddenly have lots of new weapons, and imagine - you can actually start to be clean on a real, consistent basis!

How awesome is that?

Yes, 30 years of fighting is impressive ! Don't give up now.

You said "maybe I'm slightly disconnected from humanity in an autistic type of way". I'd say that it would be very important to determine if indeed you have any autistic tendencies or aspergers syndrome (which even  high-functioning people have) because that can affect your ways of fighting this battle. For example, visual stimuli is processed differently in autistic people, sometimes there are pauses between when you see things and when your brain processes those images. I'd recommend you get the book called "Shadow Syndromes" by John Ratey (published by Pantheon Books) and read the chapter called Autistic Echoes, and if you identify with that chapter then perhaps you should be evaluated by someone who specializes in that field (I wish I could recommmend someone, but I have no idea who to recommend).

Welcome LovelyYid!

I temporarily changed your name without your permission ;D for several reasons. First, you've taken a commendable and sincere step in attaining personal holiness and connecting to Hashem, by joined the Guard Your Eyes community of Yidden who have the same issues, like you (and me). This GUE community is a connected and integral holiness transmitting segment of the Jewish nation. With this example, essentially you are part of several groups, Jews as a nation, and this online community. Also, on a large scale, Jews are a people that are fortunately part of a small segment of the populous in the realm of humanity. Breaking it down into a individualized scale where you will see that you are part of other caring groups, whether it be family, friends, shull etc. The point is that you ARE  Connected to Humanity and all of us. Second, loneliness is an a poisoned arrow and element of attack that the yetzer feeds on. Be happy. Think good and it will be good.

"confused I've had this addiction for thirty years"

Nah. My friend, you've just did a giant leap here. You just ADMITTED to Yourself that you have an addiction, and you've made a Step to personal improvement by coming here on this forum and willing to work on yourself. Good for you!

By the way, don't think that those 30 years were lost. Im borrowing a concept of Emunah from R' Lazer Brody. Here it is... Close your eyes, using your hindsight, find at least something ( a situation or whatever..) that happened good to you because of the struggle (u can use finding this site and receiving chizuk from everyone who replied to you as an example). Find how Hashem ma
de it all possible, find how He did it all for the better, and was He was holding your hand through it. Now, open your eyes, and see that these years, months, days, seconds, were not lost and in fact a blessing in disguised.

Regarding autism, your are not different and not less! You are a lovely yid!

Lets work together - all of us - to hold the banner of Hashem up high!

Shalom.

Giant Leap

lonelyid wrote:


I don't think you're crazy or autistic.
I think you're just like me.
Oops...am I crazy or autistic?
Nope; I'm addicted.
Will I always be?
Who knows?
Who cares?
Gotta work on the 'now.'

Cordnoy- Whatever happenned to lonelyid? Are you aware he wrote his post 5 years ago?

Yes, I am.

that's why Gevurah coined me the "O' Fishel thread bumper."