...I hear he can also hit a golf ball pretty good....

dov, DovInIsrael - thanks for your respective advice! (and to everyone else before as well!)

Indeed I've tried making a shift today. This morning in Shema Koleinu, instead of asking Hashem for the strength not to let myself fall today, I just told him that it seems that I cannot control myself at all and asked Him to carry me instead.

I'm also taking the one-day-at-a-time approach. This is definitely the way forward for me. Even though I have fallen many times with this approach, it seems to me to be the most sensible. After all, it's easy to climb 50 metres a day but it's impossible to overcome an entire mountain in one go.

Re the mother-in-law: yes, I know. I don't wish to misrepresent her - we have a fantastic relationship. But she's wrong in this regard and i hurt a bit. However from her perspective it was just a comment in passing (how could she know that it means something to me) and I've decided to let it go for now.

Dmoat,

Just read through a bunch of this thread... I observed that you are quiet strong underneath.... Most people wouldn't be able to take the falls the way you do (or at least I can't...)

You are someone with a will...
You adapt...
You learn from your mistakes...
You don't give up easily...

Keep it up....

It seems that I just fell again.

I was actually intending to 'turn over a new leaf' here and come and post even when i hadn't fallen.
I in fact something nice to share from a Sefer I was learning (which i need to look up again) but last night I got back very late and then there was tonight - on which I fell.

Tried: Many thanks, yet I still can't help thinking that I'm not learning from my mistakes at all.

On the way home - knowing that i'd be home alone for a while this evening - I kept tell Hashem that I felt as if I was going to fall and that the only way not to was for Him to completely remove my urges. However this didn't happen for what ever reason - probably because He expects me to make a first little step - however small - and I simply did no such thing tonight. Instead I came in, opened the door and calmly make my way straight to the computer where I've been ever since.

So lessons:
- Don't be home alone - go for a walk if it's avoidable. (on my list already, that's some tzedakkah)
- Make a first small step - however small - if if it's just to go and do something else for  minutes before going to the computer. Learning Torah for this would be ideal but I don't want to let the Y"H fight me on both accounts, so anything would be good - even if it's not Torah.

I'll hopefully be back later or tomorrow to share some more...

Hatzlocha with recovery, chaver. Can't do it alone. Based solely on my experience, not being an expert of any kind: If communication in this virtual venue is not working for you, I'd suggest moving on to real live (successfully recovering) people to talk to...then to actually meet with other (successfully recovering) folks. But the bottom line that I see that makes me very happy and hopeful that things will eventually be alright with you is that you are searching and apparently know that you are worth it. That is huge, and many well-meaning people do not have it. It seems to me that so many of us just keep dumping poisonous garbage into ourselves and react with disgust and never get off the buttocks to actually do something about it - you are different. That's big. 

dmaot wrote on 15 Apr 2010 16:01:



dmaot wrote on 15 Apr 2010 16:01:


Yes... we all contradict ourselves... especially when it comes to realizing our strengths....

But the good parts will prevail eventually...
Keep it up Brother....