It has been a while since I discovered this sight and thought it to be the end to all my problems.

Unfortunately I haven't been back in many months and have fallen (with p**n) many many times since then!
I'm not really sure what to do, I fell last Thursday night and really cried during maariv. I often fall in the early evenings and then need to daven maariv after but doing so I feel like a big fraud. I know it's the YH causing me to have thoughts of not davening after - and that's why i daven anyway but I still feel like a massive fraud. I ask Hashem for forgiveness again and again and for the strength to overcome this, but I don't seem to be coping.

My Yirat Shemayim seems to be only after my falls in the form of extreme fear of punishment for what I have done - and I beg Hashem not to punish me or my family - but I cannot seem to summon up that Yirah when my YH overcomes me.

I really hope that by sharing I can convince myself that overcoming this is possible and that I'm not going to be punished for my sins if I can overcome them but I hope it's not too late!

welcome to the family, we have much more in common that our looks. Many opf us are bnei torah, unbnei aliyah. Yiras shamayim will not help so much, because ain apitropul la'arayos. Even R Elyashiv isn't allowed to be misyacheid witht the contraption I type this post on, because hashem decreed so.

If you can't find yiras shamayim at the time of a nissayon, then do it beforehand.  Download the k9 filter (free), and have the filter gabai set your restrictions. You will not be able to fall on the computer anymore, unless you set it too lax.

Would you like to shar alittle more of your story? You are not alone. Feel free to read through the wealth of old posts. And make yourself at home!!

Welcome to the realization that you are a REAL ADDICT - like the rest of us here  ... That's why we created the GYE handbook, with progressive tools to breaking free of this addiction. Don't tell me you tried all the tools of the handbook and are still falling.  :-\ Impossible.  :-*

Well, you know what to do... Forward March!

We are Hashem's elite soldiers and we were given the hardest job of all. Hashem trusts us with it, so obviously he knows we can do it ;D

Hey dmaot,

It's never too late to change if you really want to do it. You're posting on this forum already, so you've already taken steps to recovery.

Just don't let the YH try and fool you that the situation is hopeless. I think the Latin saying, "Whilst I breathe, I hope", sums things up nicely. You're breathing and fighting, so I guess you're going one step further.

KUTGW and TC,

DL

writing down you're story and asking questions is something i would strongly recommend! people are very responsive and really make you feel better.
you came to the right place to conquer you're Y'H you can do it! 

Dear Brother,

First, Welcome...

Second, keep on posting...

Third, this site is really big... Don't want anybody getting lost here...
Please Please over time search out some of the chevra on the forum that are up your ally, and keep up with them... you can send a personal message when the going gets tough... But hang on we are here for you...

Fourth, if Yiras Shamayim isn't doing the trick then I'd say: on to the next...

Ani Hakoton Dal Sh'b'dalim says that Yira is a tool, if you find a tool that is more effective go for it...

How about good old self interest...

Dov (a veteran) once said:

If your self destructive, say suicidal, and want to jump (Oy Vey...)
Will you start Klering Oy were is my Yiras Shamayim...?
This is a Deoiroisah.... I better start learning Mussar quickly...
(Don't think I said it over like he did... but anyway...)


You gotta stop bec. you gotta stop... For yourself...

You wanna be happy, and G-d does as well...
(and I second the motion....)

Peace and Love Holly Brother....

Keep us posted....

One more thing...

Re. Punishment....

1. the Shilah Hakodesh says "Eilu Hachasidim that say Ein Tikun Lichet Haze R"L" (i.e. you can't undo it...)

Einam Chasidim Ella Chaserim (they are not righteous; they are defective...)

IT IS NEVER TOO LATE, MY FRIEND....

Menashe was told that he was done, and can't do Teshuva...
But G-d accepted him...

The Maharal brings this as proof that there is no such thing as someone that wont be accepted...
He says that it is not literal and gives a different Peshat...

P.s. If it's too late then jump into our boat...
Bec. we are all in the 'too late' boat..... :D

Welcome back! Glad to have you here.

Please post, open up, talk, grow!

Unfortunately, what you're describing is'nt real yiras hashem - like you said, it's the yetzer hora! But now that you're here, please stay with us, grow, so that you can be the person that you want to be!

Thank you to everyone for your words of Chizzuk.

I came home tonight and my wife is out so I knew that I was in serious danger of falling.
I came straight to this site and read your words of Chizzuk and now I'm feeling more positive about getting one over the YH B"H tonight.

I'm going to go out now for a walk to pass some time away from home and then maybe try learn something when I get back.

I hope that I'll be able to report a success...

I'm back posting because I'm on the edge again.

Just got back from a long walk and now relaxing before doing some housework.

I thought that the YH would leave me alone tonight but it's still with me. However it's not as strong.

I feel as if it knows that I am enthusiastic about not falling this evening and that's why it's not pushing me much... it seems to be waiting for just the right moment of weakness. I hope that moment never comes, but I'm sure it will and with Hashem's help I'll be able to overcome it.

8)
dmaot wrote on 08 Mar 2010 18:33:


We are anxiously awaiting the good news. :D

Please don't keep us waiting. Post your good days too, not only the difficult ones. Let us all share in your simcha over each and every time that you do not look over there......

It's true, the beginning is easier - because there's an excitement of finally being free, being yourself. Sadly, that does wear off a bit. But this is something you CAN do - and like Reb Yosef said, keep posting. We're here for you.

Baruch Hashem I'm still ok BA"H.
I noticed my Kavanah during Tefilla also took a turn for the better and I'm hoping that I can stay on this path.
Clean for almost two days is only the beginning - but it's an achievement none the less I think and I'm trying to stay positive...

Getting better is a circular cycle just as the opposite pulls in a cycle. Staying clean improves you all around, including tefilla. Davening better improves your staying clean. Keep the cycle moving forward, only forward!

It's just the beginning, but it's a beautiful, wonderful beginning! Keep on going, and enjoy - and remember that you're enjoying it!

So when the yetzer hora knocks, and tells you that he has pleasure to sell you, you can remember that you've got a big bowl of your own kosher pleasure sitting on your table, wit a spoon already in it - and it's much better quality than the stuff he's selling, too - tastes better, and the aftertaste is wonderful!