Home alone this morning and it's the first time I've felt my YH knocking STRONGLY. I came straight here - I hope I'll hold out...

I hope you hold out! May Hashem grant you great strength and take away your lust.
L'aniyat Da'ati, in my humble opinion, I think that the most important thing for you to do right now is to get a filter (if you don't already have one). In my personal experience, no matter how hard i tried to stay clean, having such incredibly easy access made it impossible, because all it takes is one tiny moment of weakness, and your computer is right there waiting for you. In fact, I got a filter for my computer, and it STILL wasn't enough for me, because I found a way around  the filter, and on top of that I still had internet access through my phone.
So, through experience, I have found that there are really two steps in this battle:
1. A grueling battle of willpower against the yetzer.
2. setting up fences, and having the humility to admit that one's willpower isn't enough.
I have tried each of these steps alone, without the other, and failed. I think that the only way to really succeed is to combine them and use them together.
I hope my limited experience helps you in your struggle.
TOF

You can do it, just remember - your job is to stay clean for today. What can you do to keep yourself busy? Get up and go for a walk? Take care of a project? Do some exercise?

Funny, I just posted the 'about to fall' helpline that I was tempted, too. Same timing.

Dov replied with a message that 'giving' to others might be a good distraction around the stuff the Y'H is wanting me to feel.

I figure, giving is always good, plus I bet the Y'H HATES to work in an environment he finds so inhospitable to him.

I can only hope that he'll let go of my when he leaves....

Good luck to you, as well. You can do it.

TiredOfFalling: Thanks for the tips. I've got a filter but that's not going to help my YH - there are so many wireless access points in my street to connect to - I can just flip to one of them.

silentbattle: Yes, i really love exercising. Tonight I went out for a walk and had a bunch of chores to do - certainly helps. I find it's only when I'm 'relaxing' that my YH really manages to get a foothold and I know that the solution is to limit these moments - but for my sanity I think I need to be able to relax too... how to solve this paradox??

Briut: Yeah, we were in the same boat at the same time. Did you manage to hold out?
I certainly agree about giving. An Ani came to my door the other day and I always try to give something but I never spend the time to really consider what they are collecting for. This time around I made an effort to see what the collection was about (his unwell daughter) and spent some time talking to him. He really touched me. He told me that the one of the biggest Brachot in this world is to Be'Ezrat Hashem have healthy children and that really touched me and inspired me to continue fighting this fight. It wasn't just the act of giving tzedakka that helped but also actually considering how there are people so much less fortunate than we are. It made me think: What right do I have to indulge my own selfish desires and potentially risk exposing my family to the consequences. Also, it's not just me and my family; we are all Areivim after all - maybe my actions and my sins in some way affected something in the world that caused this poor man's daughter to be unwell? Obviously I'm not attributing myself blame wholly - that's one way to get depressed and open the feeding ground for the YH, but the truth is that we can't see the consequences of our actions and I just thought that I've got so much to be thankful for and how could I be so selfish! Needless to say the YH came no-where near me for the rest of the day!

I've BH somehow managed to hold out until this evening - long may it continue.

DMAOT:
Great that you've held off; so have I so far. Just getting out of the house was good.

And when I came back, I allowed myself to indulge in some ice cream rather than indulgences. Maybe just substituting one problem for another, but whatever works....  (Then again, they say about fattening foods that it's "a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips," so maybe they're really one and the same problem .)

You mentioned 'family' and your ID shows a newbie. If you're married you should drop a PM to Guard and he can give you access to the married men's forum. You may find some useful chizuk, esp stuff that the Forum has decided might 'trigger' the non-marrieds.

Keep going.

dmaot wrote on 11 Mar 2010 20:38:


Shouldn't the filter cut off all the access points? There probably are filters that do. I know that my filter still works even if I change to a different wireless connection. If there is any way for you to cut off access completely, it would be a real KO to the yetzer hara. If not, then just keep on trying! It sounds like you're doing great so far.

dmaot wrote on 11 Mar 2010 20:38:


KleenWeb (by Koshernet) is a software that gets installed on your computer and blocks YOUR computer from accessing the bad stuff. It is irrelevant if it coming from your own connection or wi-fi. I think that K-9 works the same way and is free.

CovenantEyes.com also has such a filter, but MOST IMPORTANTLY, Covenanteyes.com has accountability software whereby every site you see is rated, recorded, and relayed to an accountability partner (Your Rabbi, spouse, friend, or an anonymous person from the GYE community). It is also installed on each individual computer [- you can have multiple usernames for different members of your household/office].

All of the above should help protect you even from the neighbor's wi-fi connections.

I have an internet provider filter but of course i should have something on my PC too.
Issue is that I have 4 computers - one of which is a work one on which I can't install a filter. I'm going to need to batter this another way for now.

This morning is the closest I've been to a fall. I actually typed the address of a p**n site into my browser. I felt completely helpless - as if my intellect had been turned off and I could simply not reason with myself. Suddenly - seemingly out of no-where - I has a split second of clarity which I somehow managed to use to not push the 'Enter' key and immediately closed the window. I'm typing this 30 seconds later.

If that's not a little booster from Hashem I don't know what is.

Truth is I've had these rare moments a few times before - but I usually ignore them - the YH is too strong. How did I listen to this one? I'd love to work that out - ammo for the future...

Dmaot,

Keep on trecking! You are an the right path just by being here. Hashem sees this and will help you. He is on your side. You have a whole family of support here for you. Please Please Please be strong.

Be strong for yourself. You are worth it.

Thinking of you,
Zalmendovid

It's an ability to let go and let god - we always have that opportunity, but you actually took it! That's great!

I just had a big fall - after a week of being clean. I feel so ashamed and upset... I feel like i'll never get forgiveness from Hashem and that His patience with me is fast running out. I know that it's just the YH talking but facts are facts - it's winning and I'm not!
This week was really tough and I messed it all up!

Have You ever seen a parent guide his child in his first steps? Does the Father lose patience with his if the son stumbles a few times? Hashem is our father! He loves us more than any human father could possibly love his son! There is NO SUCH THING as Hashem's patience running out! :D

Yesterday in shul we said Birkas Hachodesh, ever thought what that prayer is all about? It is asking Hashem to help us make a fresh start, a new beginning. There is nothing to be gained in wallowing in the mud. (Leave that for the hippos..) YOU already made a new start, you came to this forum. You are on the way forward. Keep going. Don't look back.

"GO DMAOT, GO!!!!"

Thanks for the Chizzuk.

I cried my eyes out during Ma'ariv last night.
This morning I fell again.

I feel completely powerless and helpless. But as you say what's done is done - and I must look forward.
I'm going to try shift gears now - and try decrease the time i have alone by myself. I want to also increase Torah learning. I think i've neglected proper Limmud for too long. Maybe this is a wakeup call for that.

I've been reading the GYE Attitude guide and I feel my perspective is clearing up.
I do have a question though: The guide seems to encourage us to say "it's not our fault". I understand the need to say this, but is that really true? Surely our actions, past and current, are what has got us to this position? Surely in essence it *is* our fault??

I'm a bit confused about that. I daven for forgiveness to Hashem and I am under no illusions that the regular Teshuva cycle will do anything for me, but I feel that to ask for forgiveness is a necessary step in my progress. I feel it connects me to Hashem and somehow brings our relationship closer.

Is this misguided? Should I really not be focusing on this at all during my Tefilla? Maybe focusing on the problem is fueling the fire - and it's perhaps better to think about it as little as possible during the day?
However I have de-facto been doing this in the past and it has certainly done nothing for me either.

Please could I have some guidance on what my attitude to Teshuva and davening should actually be?