Thanks to everyone who takes an interest in reading what I write, sympathizing with what I describe, and caring enough to offer me (an anonymous stranger) encouragement and advise...

May you all be gebentched....!!!

I was grappling last week about whether I should give up YouTube and similar sites....
Over Shabbos I decided to give it up... (Hope it's not more than what I can handle... which tends to backfire....)

Last night I got my K9 password from my friend and thus gave it over to the GYE Gabai...

Here is the bad part: Once I had the password I ended up watching Pornography... It sucks to get pulled onto it... It lasted for say about 2 hrs.

I always come to the same realization after the fact.

Here it is: Pornography is the epitome of emptiness of darkness. It promises riches but delivers only misery, emptiness, despair...

It shatters your self image.

It turns your most intimate friend into your greatest enemy... (We are after all our own closest ally/enemy)

YET WE FALL :-[ ??? :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

I ask WHY? and the answer haunts me...

We cannot fully control our actions...
It is haunting to know that we are responsible for everything we do, yet there are no guarantees...

THERE IS A BIG CHANCE THAT WE WILL SCREW UP... NO ONE CAN GUARANTEE US PROTECTION FROM OURSELVES...

I feel kind of like a little child who is put out there to defend himself; alone

"We are all sentenced to a lifetime of solitary confinement within our own bodies"

Yes I know that you can share with others and not be alone etc. etc. etc.

However, we go to our graves Alone; no one comes with us...
After all is said and done, we and we alone are the only people responsible for ourselves....

A HAUNTING REALITY

P.s. I recently moved this thread from INTRODUCE YOURSELF to BREAK FREE
Wondering if people following it before will still get updated...

Does anyone know?

I orriginaly thought that you where joining GYE as a pre-emptive measure. But now it looks like you are seriously in a big fall. I'm stumped. Did you ever veiw p--- in your life? so why did you all of the sudden get overcome with an urge to do something on the internet that you have never done before? EVen without any filtering or monitoring software?

Now that you know your code, did the gabai change it?

-?- wrote on 22 Feb 2010 03:57:



For the past Year and a half, I'd end up viewing P... Occasionally, (probably about 2 times/per month).

Prior to this I was pretty much totally sheltered and was not exposed to it....

So it is new to me, hasn't taken over my life (yet-B"h..)
I do fear that if I don't address it that I will fall more and become addicted....

I think of myself as "not-yet" addicted (In the sense that it is still only occasional)

You correctly point out that I already do get taken over by urges.

P.s. Only the Gabai knows my password

coming from the guy who thinks he is moving into the realm of "former addict" (ok not entirely), I think you are more into it than you think.  I have apost from R Tzaddok about ADDICTION, and he brings from the zohar that 3 is a charm. I posted a possible explanation for that somewhere on this site, good luck finding it.

I think you are already mildly addictied. But lemazalecha, you got k9 and lack the means to fullfill your urges. Let's just daven that you don't use other outlets to supply the "fix" instead of internet.

Spending two hours watching p____? Yeah, I'd say you're pretty into it. I think we've all been there, but that's being pretty involved.

It is scary how easy it is to fall, and how much damage it does - that's why it's important to remember how valuable staying clean is, that's why it's so important to work on figuring out a program for staying clean. Whether it's posting on GYE, using the handbooks, a phone conference, or SA meetings. Figure out what works for you - but figure it out.

If you can't control yourself, you're an addict.

It doesn't matter how often, and it doesn't matter if it's looking at women on the street and it doesn't matter if it's visiting houses of ill-repute.

Can you control yourself?  Can you stop?  Sorry to say, but if you get schlepped into watching p*** for 2-hours, you're probably an addict.

But, realizing this IS THE FIRST STEP TO RECOVERY.  You can't get better until you realize this.

And, you've come to the right place for help.

Stay with us, and keep on getting better.

--Eye.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 22 Feb 2010 16:29:


2 hours?? cmon, be reasonable. The thril you get when you are new at it, the exitement and curiosity...and you expect that to be over in 2 hours?? Cmon 4-5-6 I can hear you, because then it is bound to be totaly destroying the  guys schedual, and making him miss his achrayusim. But 2 hours is perfectly resonalbe for a non-addict.

SE - I love you, my dear friend. But I think that you're letting your own hopes of not being an addict interfere here...

The point is, he's spending a significant amount of time involved in something he really doesn't want to do. 2 hours is certainly significant.

Eye.nonymous wrote on 22 Feb 2010 16:29:


I beg to differ. I willingly stopped after 2 hrs, I actually got disgusted... And if gazing at a woman on the street constitutes addiction, then you'd have to say that the majority of people are addicts...

Also over the past year I have a laptop and for 2-3 months did not have any filter, and only fell a handful of times. The norm was for me to resist it... I don't think my actions point to an addict. If I fall more and get more into it... I'd be an addict, that's why I'm here...

why not simply take the test?

                    www.no-porn.com/test.html

I don't think the test accurately diagnosis whether you are an addict; they note as much...

But for the record my score was 6 Yes's out of 27...

for the sake of this forum, and letting us know how to help you, Which 6?

Here where my results (mybe it'll help break the ice):

rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=1461.msg53440#msg53440

-?- wrote on 22 Feb 2010 16:53:


According to Rabbi Twersky, if p** pops up on your screen, you have 3 tenths of a second (.3) to look away.  In .4 of a second, you can become an addict.

(LINK, ANYONE?)

Do the math.  2 hours is about 18,000 times more viewing than you need in order to become an addict.