Hi I'm new...
Joining because I was never addicted to sex I used lethal force to control myself...
In therapy I am loosening my control over myself, it's helping me in many areas...
But I am also ending up with real and difficult challenges. I have to kind of learn how to avoid things that would make me feel guilty but do it in a healthy way...

Hi trying123,

I am not really sure what your situation but I hope you stay with us throuh the good times, beezras Hashem, and even if C'V there are bad times. Stay with us!

Hatzlocha Rabbah

-Yiddle

I am at a crossroad: I have always stayed away from porn and masturbation because I was afraid. Lately I am becoming less fearful of many things with the above included. Today I was at a hotel by myself and ended up watching porn and masturbating (It was the second time that I masturbated intentionally...)

Throughout my life I have controlled myself through an unhealthy use of force against myself which had very bad side effects. It was unhealthy because it was based on fear of guilt, fear of being 'beaten' by Hashem, and fear of the unknown.

My parents were abusive and my family is dysfunctional. For many years now I have been getting constant panic attacks.

Over the past 2-3 years I have been getting better. I am less fearful of many things. The only thing preventing me from engaging in the above acts was fear, now that fear is diminishing porn is becoming very tempting...

I hate to have to always be FORCING myself. I hate the fact that I am living in fear of where I may end up. I'd rather test it and see what happens. A part of me says that I should allow the lust to take its course, and maybe it"ll pass. I always hear that Stam force never works. Also I read that to stop you have to hit bottom... Maybe by using force and keeping myself from hitting bottom I am actually enabling it to take root ??? ??? ???

On the other hand:  I am still afraid that I may really end up in a mess and besides it is an Avaira...

I am in the middle of battling this all out in my mind...


If I do give in how bad will it be? ??? ??? ???

Friend, welcome to GuardYourEyes. There's a wealth of group support, handbooks and whatnot to guide you through your battle with porn. Pretty a mod should give you the whole introduction.

But you - like me - seem like because of an abusive past need extensive therapy. Sounds like it's not exactly about porn. But don't worry; the mods will be able to point you to the right address - also, on the main page, check out tools/therapists for listings.

If you need to increase your fear of heaven to stop yourself, the video clip linked on this page can maybe help.

Don't fall into this slippery slope of addiction. It only gets worse, never better. It can destroy your life and your marriage and you ETERNITY!

Chazal (Niddah 13a) write that HZ”L is as if one has spilled blood or worshiped Avodah Zorah, and that those who do it are chayev misah biday shamayim. The Zohar even goes as far to say that it is the worst sin in the Torah. Another terrible result of these sins brought down in the holy books, is that they desensitize our souls to spiritual connection. The more we sin in these areas, the more desensitized we become. This is a commonly experienced phenomenon, where people slowly lose their yearning for spirituality, and they start to feel ever more disconnected from Torah, Shabbos and Mitzvos. Unfortunately, this also makes Teshuvah all the more unlikely, as one becomes more and more disconnected. 

Also, maintaining our addiction requires constant hiding, lies, and living a double life. This cuts us off from the world around us and doesn’t let us feel the tremendous kindness of Hashem that fills our lives. It blinds us to the goodness in the world around us, to our souls, and to Hashem. We begin to lose appreciation for our own wives and children. We are unable to find inner peace, we can’t stop lusting everywhere we go, and we remain closed up within a shell that no one can penetrate.

It is also brought down in Kabalistic texts that every drop emitted in vain causes souls to be created, and these souls are snatched up by the forces of evil and become demonic forces that cause much suffering in a person’s life. The souls themselves also suffer in misery with no hope (unless we fix ourselves), and after we die they stand as terrible accusers against us. See the video clip linked above for a dramatic first-hand testimony of someone who claims he had died and experienced the judgment of the world to come. This story and video, especially where he weeps as he recalls the myriads of accusing souls that stood before him, can help inspire our Fear of Heaven and ensure that we do everything in our power to heal from this disease.

But do not let all these dramatic revelations cause you to despair. Teshuvah was created even before the world was created, and Hashem knew that we would stumble in these areas. Hashem has infinite patience and he understands us far better than we even understand ourselves. Chazal say that Hashem even brought David Hamelech to stumble with Bat Sheva, only to show us the incredible power of Teshuvah.

Also, it is brought down in the Holy books that through a sincere Teshuvah, all the souls that we created through our sins actually become uplifted, and they change from being “accusing angels” and become “defending angels” instead.

So never despair! By learning the proper perspective on this struggle, and by taking the steps we can to break free, we are doing exactly what Hashem intended for us to do all along.

I hear you loud and clear, I don't want any those stuff.

I pose the following question to the GYE community: I see myself as a not-yet addict but extremely prone to become one (I have all the causative factors everyone writes about) I have already began a downward trend...

How does one prevent a potential addict from becoming one?

I dont know if im certified to answer that, but i would think that someone in that situation needs to cut himself off from all possible triggers. Period!! Anything he thinks can take him to the net step, he needs to avoid, in the biggest possible way. Ask any addict here on this forum, what they would d to go back to the days before they were addicts!! Its not worth taking even the smallest chances!

Thanks...

Tell me why it's not good for me, I need to hear it in order to get the courage to fight...

Also, is anyone out there extremely lonely? It seems almost impossible to avoid Porn when your totally alone all the time... (I can't live with my family, and I am not well adjusted socially I live myself...)

Over the past few months I've become addicted to the internet, I downloaded the K9 filter but I am constantly pushing my limits (trying to find something to fill my whole -actually HOLE-) If I give up the internet I'll go out of my mind from boredom.

So here is my second question to the GYE community: How does someone single/alone/and in pain fight all this?

Trying123,

Welcome to GYE. 

I think really you're at the BOTTOM heading UP!!!

These feelings--the pain and the loneliness, is what drives lots of people to be addicted.  It's the worst part of the addiction.  Get rid of these, and the addiction goes away by itself.

And, perhaps, in a strange way, you have become addicted to the pain treatment you have been inflicting upon yourself.

It's vague what your story is, so it's hard to say anything specific.  But, it sounds like you would greatly benefit from some qualified professional help.

One of the most helpful pieces of advice I got here was to "stop living in the problem--start living in the solution."  I grappled with this idea for a long time; took a while to realize what exactly I was doing to aggrivate the problem--and just exactly how deep it was, and what it actually means to live in the solution--what are the positive things I can occupy my mind and my time with instead.

Good luck on your journey UP!

  --Eye.

trying123 wrote on 15 Feb 2010 12:25:


"Hit bottom while still on top". See Chizuk e-mail #441 on this page for more on that (scroll down).

Did you watch the video linked above? it's worth while. But to see where this stuff leads to, see this page... and also see here and here.

As far as HOW to get out of it and deal with the depression/boredom - read the handbooks and find out HOW!  

First of all, welcome Reb Trying123!!

It's truly beautiful to see someone who hasn't had this take over their life, yet wants to face their issues and deal with them honestly! It sounds like you've made a lot of progress, and you don't run away from your issues - that's fantastic. We're glad to have you with us!

I certainly don't have all the answers, but I can share my thoughts on some of the issues you've brought up - I would also recommend that you spend some time reading people's threads, and seeing how they've dealt with their struggles.

As far as being lonely - absolutely, that makes things more difficult. As others have pointed out, a lot of people here have issues with loneliness and neediness. But, altohugh it's not always easy to remember, getting lost in a world of fantasy, p*&^, and m(*&%tion really doesn't make things better - it's a temporary escape, after which things only get worse.

There's also a difference between living in fear/guilt, and an honest, accurate understanding of how terrible a certain aveirah is - look at it from another perspective, which I think is actually more honest. We're put into this world to grow, and to develop close relationships with others, and with hashem. By doing certain things, we limit ourselves, and cut ourselves off from those relationships, on every level - let's stay away from the things that stop us from having the beautiful relationships that we're supposed to have!!

So to answer your question, how bad will it be? It will only get worse, and worse. Trust me, it's far, FAR easier to just stay away.

In regard to your question about "stam force," you're right - constantly trying to meet this head on will end in failure, sooner or later. So we need to get away - leave the room, call a friend, do something different. Improve ourselves on a deeper level (which you're already in the process of doing) so that we won't have such major issues.

Stick with us, and grow with us - we're here for you, no matter what!

well we are both in the same boat, with both TVs and Movies surrounding us, and no-onewill know.  I'm bored out of my mind, as I am sure most peopl e on this site have realised yesturday, so try emailing me!!! I don't have buzzz, but i do got google chat!

Thank You...
You people are awesome...

silentbattle wrote on 15 Feb 2010 18:36:


Yup... It aint easy to do the right thing. I think you gotta realize that the right thing is ultimately the best thing...

Let me share something with you guys:

Last night was the second time in my life that I masturbated intentionally here is what led up to it:

I had a therapy appointment Friday afternoon and the best way I can describe how I felt when I left is: speechless. I felt a little paralyzed. I didn’t feel like driving so I just sat in my car.

Here is what was hurting: I never got what I needed and my real needs cannot be met; I can never be honest about what’s bothering me. The worst part is that if I confide in someone or even let someone in on how broken I am, they don’t know how to deal with me and get overburdened. So in addition to all the pain: I have to be busy hiding. I have to pretend that everything is nice and dandy. Hding is by far much worse than the pain itself. I am like a scare-crow, if I’d let my true hurt be visible to anyone they’d run the other way… This hurts tremendously

I sat in my car and cried very hard, I felt like running far away and just becoming a drug addict

Here is what happened afterwards: I decided that I had enough of chasing everyone and then not getting even a trickle of my needs met. I decided to screw the whole world. I was supposed to go to one of my cousins for Shabbos which is very uncomfortable for me, I decided to screw the whole thing. I decided that I had enough of doing things that I hate. I decided that I’ll just stay alone and by myself for Shabbos.

In the last minute I ended up calling an aunt and uncle and ended up racing over to them before shkia.

Throughout my stay by their house, I had to paste a fake smile on my face. I had to partake in all the meals, and Davening. I had to pretend to be interested in the discussions. I pretended that I was in a great mood and forced myself to be humorous and interesting… It was sheer torture (and that is not sufficient enough of a word to describe it)……

After Shabbos was over I decided that I’m not interested in going home or going to anyone else so I made a reservation for 2 days at a hotel in upstate NY, that’s where I ended up watching porn and masturbating…

Oy Ribono Shel Olem HELP!!!

Wow...it sounds like you feel like you're in a catch-22; you need to connect, to open up, but you feel like as soon as you do, people run away, leaving you even more hurt than before! That's a painful position to be in...

And to make matters worse, when you feel like you're hiding, it becomes even more difficult to connect with other people!

When you talk about the needs that you want met, do you mean being cared for, wanted, understood?

trying123 wrote on 15 Feb 2010 21:08:

Absolutely, that's the first step. If you feel like it's all about depriving yourself, it's going to be a long, difficult struggle. At some point, you realize that it's really about freedom, and living life in the best way possible, and that's why it's worth the effort!

Still, like you said - it isn't always easy. But you can do it!

As we say here, KUTGW!!! (Keep Up The Good Work!!!)