guardureyes wrote on 17 Feb 2010 19:25:


It sounds like your therapist is getting to the route of your problem. True, you didn't get what you needed. But you can be healed. Let her move forward; she didn't get you that perception, merely revealed it. Now that's it's out in the open, it can be healed. Trust, and hold on.

I agree with kanesher - The therapist is helping him face his own perceptions that are already there - a necessary first step to actually changing those perceptions.

And you can and will change them, to an accurate perception of yourself - which is a holy, worthy person. The very fact that in the midst of all this turmoil, you came on here to try to figure out how to find yourself in a holy way, says so much about how amazing you are!

Guys you are GEVALDIG,

Here is what R' Guard said:

"How did your therapist manage to give you that kind of warped perception of yourself?"

I have to disagree with you. I am working with a top notch trauma therapist RELIEF (Referrals) said that she is known to be the best in her field...

I always felt the things that I described, it was under the surface...

R' guard, I respectfully urge you to exercise more caution before discrediting people that are trying to help...

I say this because your advice is respected and another guy might have taken your advice as an indication that the therapist doesn't know what she's doing.... (No therapist can accomplish anything if their is a lack of trust....)

I have a hypothesis wondering if it's true:

The way I see it is that the VERY powerful UNCONTROLLABLE urge can only take hold once the action has been reinforced by pleasure. I've been Mz"l twice recently. The pleasure was minimal (similar to the first shot or the first cigarette...)

If I continue the pleasure will increase and then reinforce the action (Conditioning...) Which will then turn into an addiction...

From your experience is this true?

in addictions, the pleasure does not increase with continued use of the "drug", in general, we addicts need more of the "drug" to reach the same level that we did originally and sometimes that might be just to feel "normal" forget about pleasure. that's why in terms of SA, we go from being mz"l on our own, to a growing feeling that me by myself is not enough, i want the real thing, or im looking at pics that are not overly inappropriate but are somewhat revealing and from there..., and the next time im online, the same thing that worked for me last week/month is just not doing it for me this time around, i need something more, pics to videos, etc...

otherwise, id say that the action reinforces itself, and a lot of things going on in my brain, make these types of actions more of an issue for me, leading into addiction

One thing is definitly true; Lets try and NOT aloow this thing to turn into an addiction, whatever the pshat might be. And to me it seems your doing a pretty good job at that so far. Im sure so many of us here on the forum, would wish to be in the position your in right now. But to each his own. We have ours and you have yours. So keep up the great work and keep on rollin!!! :D :D

Good point R trying...

Said better, we are all jelous.

And you'de better keep it that way. Ashrei mi SHelo Chatah Umi shechatah, yachsor veyimchol lo!!

sHeMiRaTeInAyIm wrote on 18 Feb 2010 17:40:


Hey, Jealous?

My life aint exactly the epitome of Happiness...

G-d gives everyone exactly what they need for them to get where they need to go...

My circumstances would be counterproductive to you, and vice verso...

trying123 wrote on 18 Feb 2010 18:23:
Maskim!! To each his own.We dont want others problems and we dont want others to have our problems. But we do feel for everyone and wish the best for everyone!

trying123 wrote on 18 Feb 2010 05:14:


I didn't mean your therapist was bad, I meant the perception of yourself was warped. And I didn't even mean that she didn't do a good job. Like Kanesher said above, she may simply have brought out what you always thought underneath. And I was just asking how she got that out of you - and then I went on to explain why that perception is wrong; not the therapist, but rather what she helped you reveal about what YOU think 

Trying123, how are you doing?

I am unable to be with my parents for Shabbos... Every Shabbos I have to scramble to find somewhere to go...

This Friday afternoon/night I had very powerful sexual thoughts and urges to be Mz'l... In addition I felt so horrible that I am having these thoughts.

I turned against myself and started beating (figuratively speaking) my self up. I tried "deleting" the thoughts... This happens automaticaly (it's a defense mechanism that happens when I feel threatened by a thought)

I mustered all my might and kept telling myself the following: You can't force the thought out so try to ride it... But what ever you do DO NOT intentionally be Mz"l...

I stuck to it... the thoughts went on but I was not Mz'l...

I realized that the thoughts (in my case) come because I feel a big hole in my heart.... Pain, Anguish.... Agony... once I am in it, I feel an urge to engage in Hz"l...

I decided that I will Bl'n block out any internet content that 'pulls'...

There are about 5-10 sites that I still need...
Will the GYE Gabai work with me to adjust K9 to the proper level?

Now I would like to respond to many of your comments...

silentbattle wrote on 18 Feb 2010 02:43:


You are absolutely right!!!


guardureyes wrote on 17 Feb 2010 19:25:



I did...

guardureyes wrote on 20 Feb 2010 19:38:


I hear you...

yechida wrote on 17 Feb 2010 20:08:


I have read those books... Thanks...

WOW you're up late, and I like your style of writing!

If you need anyone to talk to, you can chat with me on Gmail. My email is listed on my profile.

Hang in there, your Y"H is being given a run for his money. He sees the potentila to lead you down such a filthy road of znus, pritzus, zonos, and alot of other "bad things".  Gehenom is as deep as a person digs it for himself. The Y"H is fully aware of every effort you are making to never be mz"l again, and has a whole WORLD of tumah, all of which you are being mevateir on.

If you catch my drift, for him, it's now or never. ANd he will fight you long and hard before he gives up the battle, for every area of Y"H that you never had! You are shutting out the whole world of tumah, and 90% of the "outside world"!  This is your current avodah, accept it, fight it, and WIN IT!!!

trying123 wrote on 21 Feb 2010 06:59:
he most definitly will!! Trust me, he almost has my ss number by now! :D :D :D I try and block any site i think might get me down!!