What do you do during your days?  Work, former learner, yeshiva, "help at home"?  You need to make for yourself a new structured day. Something to keep do occupied. Mankind was not meant to sit idle, we are made to work. and in doing so, it keeps us busy and out of trouble.

You have great potential. I say that from experience. And in every way that your family is messed up. It will make you a more powerfull person, if you can overcome it.  You are definitely at rist of getting addictted to something, but if you can find a way to cannel that drive, pain, and energy, then you can re-build your life to something you will be proud of.    BAduk Umenuseh, and talking fromm experience,.

What did the therapist tell you that day that made you want to run away and "screw" the whole world?

I highly suggest joining the new cycle of Duvid Chaim's phone group of the 12-Steps, mentioned in today's chizuk e-mail (#710). It will help you find tranquility in a crazy world, no matter what issues you struggle with.

Hi everyone...

To answer the following question:
guardureyes wrote on 15 Feb 2010 22:58:


She (Yup it's a woman my Rosh Yeshiva allowed it for me) asked me what I think a bystander would say about me as a new-born.

Her question made this come up:

I can’t imagine anyone liking me, wanting to take care of me, or finding me interesting… I truly imagine that everyone would just feel burdened by this baby’s presence and would rather he not be around. They’d barely even glance at me. If the baby’s face where covered by my blanket no one would bother to even lift it to see what I looked like… It hurt to realize that I didn’t get the basic need to feel that I am worthy of someone caring about me, of someone being interested in me, of someone liking me, of someone thinking that I am valuable…

To answer the following question:

sHeMiRaTeInAyIm wrote on 15 Feb 2010 22:37:


I was raised in a very strict Yeshivish environment (But Really strict... wasn't allowed to wear a tee-shirt or a baseball cap, I'd get it over the head if I wanted to rest on Shabbos... How can you do that? Bitul Torah... ??? etc.)

I'm by nature a sponge (absorb everything -for good or for bad). I was your dream kid (straight 100%'s, Star student.... Perfectly obedient, and very 'Frum'...).

Hope you all know that 'dream kid' aint too healthy...

In Mesifta (High school) things got very bad for me emotionally... But unlike your typical guy, I did not act out in any way... (Suffered Silently...)

I was in Yeshiva (Not really able to learn much...) till recently

Too make a long story short I am now in college at night, not really up to doing more...

trying123 wrote on 16 Feb 2010 03:28:


Sounds to me like you're doing plenty - you're facing your issues, and realizing your full potential!

I'd imagine that growing up feeling like frumkeit was being forced on you, and in a frum but unloving environment, doesn't make things any easier for you now - You should be proud of yourself that you're still frum, and working on being frum in a healthy way!

It sounds like you had a pretty intense revelation this session...did you tell your therapist your thoughts? What did she say?

T123!! HOLY BROTHER!! Its great you feel comfy to open yourself up here. Youll only gain. part of what make sthis battle hard is the fact we are always hiding from others. But i gotta say, my heart goes out for you and your situation!! happy to see your going to therapy. Hopefuly this will help you get things in order!! And just the fact that you came here and are trying to not allow yourself slip down this neverending slipperyslope, show alot about you!! So hold your head up high. Youve got lots of people here that would grab you in a nano second if you were a baby!!!

keeo it up brother. Were rootin for you!!!

Well, you got a better upbringing than I did. You actualy learnt, whereas i lived in my world of P__ 24hrs a day. You didn't seek-out every craving of your YH, where as I didn't stop feeding my addiction!

You just need to straighten things out, and find the geshmak in what you want to do.  I can't immagine that you want to stand alone, against the culture and normalacies of the entire world.....in not mas_____. I can't immagine that you seek to live 'the american dream', all while maintaining your kedusha vetemimus. it just doesn't work like that. The two lifestyles and cultures are sotrim zeh et zeh!!

What you obviosly want is to feel the warm, empowing, and comfortable feeling of kedusha, and avodas hashem. And you have to overcome +20- years of a messed up chinuch/childhood. It's a huge challenge, and will take alot of hard work (doing what you don't want to do). But if you can work on it, and keep yourself out of trouble while doing so, you can be a mushlam-dika person. 

Hey Guys Pat Yourselves On The Back...

Due to all of you I am stronger...

I know that many of you still feel guilt over the times you were in the mud...

But I gotta ask you all: How does G-d expect people like me to stay clean?

You know what the answer is? He sends his best down to the trenches, the ones he knows will eventually succeed. They in turn are now equipped to help others because they've been there done that...

The common denominator of all of you, is the amazing ability to inspire others, to support others, to care about others... This is the exact reason he had to pick davka you to be in the thick of it...

Klal Yisroel is all one. We are all members of the same army. There are some who are most suited to be running the government (The Gedolim -who are closest to G-d).

Others are most suited to be part of the war effort but from home, like the FBI etc...

But the ones most suited for direct battle are sent to the trenches where they are battling for there lives -No they are battling for there country, for the values they believe in, for the people that they love, for the glory of the king.... This my friends are you guys....

Keep it up... You are were you are for a very good reason...
:-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*

Fight, Fight, and Fight.... For Klal Yisroel!!!

trying123 wrote on 17 Feb 2010 01:37:


SHHHH!!! Dont tell anyone but the secret is you helped the people that helped you also....Maybe even more than they helped you!! 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8) 8)

Thanks for the chizuk T123!! Its nice to hear kind words like that nice in awhile. It gives us a much needed boost!

Thank you, Reb Trying - and you're part of this group of warriors, too! Together, let's keep growing!

We're by your side, the same way we know that you're by ours.

trying123 wrote on 16 Feb 2010 03:28:


How did your therapist manage to give you that kind of warped perception of yourself? Why are you any less worthy than anyone else? You are a precious child of Hashem! And for you alone would have been worth it to create the entire world!! "Bishvili Nivra Ha'Olam!"... Do you realize the power of every Mitzva you do? Or every sincere teffilah in this dark world? Do you realize how "little you" can shake the heavens??

Please read Rabbi Twerski's books on Self-Esteem. See here.
And listen to this talk of his where he discusses his own struggle with self-esteem.

Trying

I relate to alot of what you wrote here,because for all my life I had a warped sense of myself and in my case that was the root of these issues that I was being challenged with.Though lust is always a nisayon,even with people with healthy self esteem,for one who feels inherently  worthless, this problem gets very very bad,and it effects all areas of life.

You will get alot of advice and chizzuk here that directly deals with dealing with lust,but in addition to this read, as R Guard suggests, the books of Rav Twersky regarding self esteem,and David Burns books on how to combat distorted negative thinking (Feeling Good) as well as his book on Panick attacks and how to combat that.

It may seem almost impossible but you can change the way you think about yourself,and I have a feeling that you have not yet seen what great potential you have within you,and yes,you are worthy of being loved. 

Do not let the fact that you ran to a hotel and watched pornography and masterbate haunt you for the rest of your life.Only remember this or use this in a way that will help you fight,but I guarantee that you will see that an inner voice will call you a shmuk right when you are doing well and will remind you about that hotel stint,to convince you that you are a phoney and inherently worthless.and you will not listen to that voice.because it is not true.to the contrary you will see that because you have great value and you are dealing with a difficult thing that you will overcome.who knows?when you do heal, and you are older, you may be able to help boys that were in your shoes.

That is another reason why you have to fight for yourself.you feel all kinds of despair.you  feel it so that you will help another deal with it and impact his life in a powerful way.

you finished phase 1 of your training---the hard hard part

Now it's time to do everything you can to start beliving that you are extremely valuable to Hashem and to Am Yisroel.So what if you don't feel this way.It's the absolute truth regardless of how terrible you may feel.Hashem has plans for you.And it will be emotional and sometimes painful but wonderful as well.

you have many friends here.

and it's ok to take a nap on Shabbos

and even where that baseball cap when you feel like it

yes,we have alot of mitzvos to do and alot to accomplish

but don't press yourself.

give yourself time and space

you will have alot of Hatzlacha

and when you do,please share it with us.

How are you doing NOW. yknow we specialize in preventive medicine in addition to Damadge Controll !!!

I also had a very warped perception of the world for a long time. You wont believe me but everything you said is very common for people with low self esteem to say. I found that I read books, and took chances and that helped me tons.

Give it a shot it can change your life.

And i say, listen when yechida and holyyid talk. They know what they are saying.