This is number 3 oof the random posts:

1. Living with integrity *
2. Being an inspiration to others #
3. Being dedicated #
4. Showing appreciation towards other #
5. Being tenacious in my pursuit of (add pursuit) *
6. Being charitable, giving *
7. Developing intellectual depth *
8. Expressing spirituality in my day-to-day life *
9. Enhancing my spiritual awareness *
10. Integrating religion into my day-to-day life *
11. Being dependable #
12. Being reliable#
13. Working as part of a team
14. Honesty *
15. Humbleness #
16. Sense of responsibility *
17. Being considerate of others #
18. Putting other’s needs before my own *
19. Taking care of myself *
20. Being a role model for my family *
21. Being loved by others #
22. Developing emotional maturity *
23. Striving for excellence *
24. Establishing financial freedom
25. Experiencing fatherhood #
26. Establishing a partnership w/someone #
27. Overcoming/surviving personal struggles *
28. Physical health *
29. Being a teacher/mentor #
30. Feeling appreciated #
31. Passionate about life #
32. Being recognized as an expert in my field
33. World-wide recognition
34. Developing sustained friendships #
35. Being respected #
36. Feeling unconditional love #
37. Developing patience #
38. Living a humble life #
39. Being known as reliable #
40. Wisdom #
41. Connected to my own feelings #
42. Being a survivor #
43. Companionship #
44. Integrity *
45. Connecting to purpose, meaning of life *
46. Establishing my legacy *
47. Organization #
48. Instilling healthy values in my kids #
49. Control *
50. Avoiding conflict #
51. Improving my social interactions #
52. Sacrificing for others #
53. Taking care of others in need *
54. Feeling happy and content *
55. Pressure to accomplish
56. Accepting responsibility for living my life *
57. Be known as truthful and honest *
58. Sense of accomplishment *
59. Forgiveness *
60. Personal growth, development *
61. Selflessness/Altruism *
62. Raising a healthy child *
63. Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children *


These are a list of values thats I have or want to have. They are what I want to build my recovery around. The ones with a "*" are things that were refferred to in my previous random post. The ones with a "#" are ones that I want to add to it. (I got this from a list).

Kol Tuv!

-Yiddle

Here's number four:

1. Expressing spirituality in my day-to-day life *     
2. Being charitable, giving *
3. Showing appreciation towards other #
4. Enhancing my spiritual awareness *
5. Being tenacious in my pursuit of (Torah) *
6. Integrating religion into my day-to-day life *
7. Living with integrity *
8. Being an inspiration to others #
9. Being dedicated #
10. Developing intellectual depth *
11. Being dependable #
12. Being reliable#
13. Working as part of a team
14. Honesty *
15. Humbleness #
16. Sense of responsibility *
17. Being considerate of others #
18. Putting other’s needs before my own *
19. Being a role model for my family *
20. Being loved by others #
21. Developing emotional maturity *
22. Striving for excellence *
23. Experiencing fatherhood #
24. Establishing a partnership w/someone #
25. Overcoming/surviving personal struggles *
26. Physical health *
27. Being a teacher/mentor #
28. Feeling appreciated #
29. Passionate about life #
30. Being recognized as an expert in my field
31. World-wide recognition
32. Developing sustained friendships #
33. Being respected #
34. Feeling unconditional love #
35. Developing patience #
36. Living a humble life #
37. Being known as reliable #
38. Wisdom #
39. Connected to my own feelings #
40. Being a survivor #
41. Companionship #
42. Integrity *
43. Connecting to purpose, meaning of life *
44. Establishing my legacy *
45. Organization #
46. Instilling healthy values in my kids #
47. Control *
48. Avoiding conflict #
49. Improving my social interactions #
50. Sacrificing for others #
51. Taking care of others in need *
52. Feeling happy and content *
53. Pressure to accomplish
54. Accepting responsibility for living my life *
55. Be known as truthful and honest *
56. Sense of accomplishment *
57. Forgiveness *
58. Personal growth, development *
59. Selflessness/Altruism *
60. Raising a healthy child *
61. Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children *
62. Establishing financial freedom
63. Taking care of myself *


I prioritized a few of them. Sorry for the really long and pointless post, but again this is for myself...

-Yiddle

Nu, so what's so bad about doing something for yourself? (say it with a yiddish, whiny tone...it sounds better!)

Seriously, thanks for sharing these things, Yiddle2. It gets us to take the work more seriously (my nutty yiddisheh comments notwithstanding!)

Nothing wrong woth doing stuff for myself. It just isnt on the same level as doing stuff for other people. Keep in in mind, I did put it on my list of priorities.

Life has been rough as of late... I cant change the world, I can only change myself. Im ein ani li mi li? I am not sure what to do with my growth... I feel like in the last 3 weeks or so I havent grown at all. Thats kind of a depressing thought. I really cant take this disease or whatever you want to call it, anymore. I want out. I need out. This is desroying every inch of my body and even worse, my Neshama. Why is it so hard for me? Right now theres no doubt I am not going to act out so how come in a few hours I just dont knwo what will be in this area? This is all a mind game. I am confident about that. I engraved into my brain all this shmutz for x years, its going to take atleast x years to undo it. I just cant wait that long. Thats it. Im done. This done. I made a decision that I will not get married with this still a part of me. I cant ruin another life or 2 or 3. Maybe ill never get married because of this. Who knows. Maybe ill never get married either way. Life is just full of depressing thoughts. One after another. But who am I to say whats depressing?

Hashem: I am talking directly to you. Please I sit here with tears nearly streaming down my cheeks. Please give me the power and the will I lack to overcome this. Please allow me to live. Please take away the source of the pain because taking away the pain wont do it. I want this more than anything on the world. maybe I am a kofer for saying this, maybe I am selfish, maybe I dont have the right intentions. But Hashem I want this more than ANYTHING. I mean that very literally. I am saying bli neder bli kaballah bli shevuah, that come Wednesday night, I will not use my computer until after Pesach. I can use other people's computers for no longer than 15 minutes at a time and no more than 30 minutes a day. Except on Pesach when I cant use it at all. I am also making a plan to get rid of my laptop for good. I dont need. I just make excuses to have it.

I am trying to think if I have uncinditional love for Hashem. Although it is difficult for me not to question why I have this, I have to say that I do. Im still toiling with that. not so simple. Life is just rough. I dont know how people do this for 80 years. It really amazes me. I guess only the strongest survive.

My friends, there will be a time when I will bid you farewell, whether I beat this thing or not. One day I will have to leave for good. I hope it is only for the good.

Alot of random of stuff here. Just wanted to get it down.

-Yiddle.....

Yiddle 2 I love you so much! You are pouring out your heart here and saying words that I have cried over, too, and still cry over them. I want to be close to Hashem, instead of to Lust. I want to be His, not Lust's. I want to be free of lust today more than anything in the world - no shayloh!

Please consider the positive side, too. You speak to Him of "not doing this or that, limiting something, etc." The entire solution includes lots of positives - the positives is where we gain the nechoma we need to remain free of the schmutz! To be OK without it! The positive for me, is talking to hashem calmly and humbly a few times a day, before and after davening for 5 seconds, 10 seconds, a minute, whatever, and before I leave my house in the morning, go to work, leave my work, come home, etc. When I do anything that in the past may have led to getting distracted by lust, I talk to Him and ask Him calmly to just help me do this right.

The connection you need will not be supplied for you by the schmutz and acting-out behaviors any more. True. That is over whether you like it or not, I believe. (a little terror here is quite normal, BTW...)

But we are not G-d. Only He is yechidi - l'vado! We need to be plugged into something greater than ourselves, something we worship, a Higher Power. That is how we are made!But then where will it come from? Answer: You need to create it - it will not happen by itself. I do not need just "tahara"! Stopping there will assure my failure. I need to start growing in kedusha and d'veikus! The freedom from cheit part is a gift! The connection with Hashem? That I have to fight for!

Not because He makes me fight for it for some cruel reason nor because I need to "deserve it", chas vesholom. No way! It's a gift I will never deserve! Rather, it's simply because I spent years and years connecting to my lust instead of to Him and to people in a healthy way, whenever I felt empty. See, besides just an addiction it is a trained reaction - I need to start training the good muscles, with His help.

I hope this is chizzuk to you, my friend.

Much love,

Dov

Yiddle, your post brings tears to my eyes... and dov's reply brings even more tears... He has said all that needs to be said.

dov wrote on 21 Mar 2010 21:37:


I dont think I deserve anything. And I really dont think I deserve anything. But what I do think is that going in a never ending circle when I am chasing my tail, is pointless. I need to stop this madness if I want to live. I need to stop thinking that after a nice streak I can revert back to my old ways of disconnecting myself from Hashem. Hashem is ultimately going to help, but a king is nto going to grant a request unless he sees that his people really want it. I need to show Hashem what my Ratzon is. Its interesting that I tell people I dont want internet in my house when I get married. Yet I sit here in front of the computer like its ok to have it before I am married. I live a double life in many aspects. If I were a cat I'd be living 18 lives! OK bad joke. I need to get rid of my computer. I will Beezras Hashem.

Hashem: I know I havent been so goo at connecting with you for a little while. But I want to change. I want to get closer. I want to feel the radiance of the 'ziv of your Schinah' (as the Ramchal puts it in the first perek of M'Y). Please Hashem, guide me in the right direction. Not only through my actions in the Mitzvos, but also in ym thoughts. Let all my thoughts be for you. Hashem, thank you for everything you have given me. The clothed on my back, my family, the Torah, the opportunities in life. Hashem please give me those opportunities again. I have failed you so many times and by failing you, I fail myself because all that You do in your ultimate Chesed is for us. You dont need us. We need you. Please Hashem pull me out from the waves of the ocean that keep pulling me back in. Give me the strength and will to overcome it.

-Yiddle.......

Amen; and thanks for sharing that with us. But don't go it alone, chaver. You need chavrusa (oh misusa, c"v). If that was true for anyone, it is truer for addict-types.
Hatzlocha!

YIDDLE !!

AHH IF MY ZAYDEH THE BARDICHEVER WERE ALIVE

HE WOULD ALREADY HAVE SCHOIRAH TO GO TO THE SEDER WITH

GEVALDIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Nothing more whole than a broken heart...

It's Lechem Oney that gives us Chairus....

KOROV HASHEM L'NISHBERE LEV.....

Random post:

1.  Expressing spirituality in my day-to-day life *     

    -I plan on davening with more kavanah. That includes saying Brachos which I normally speed over (i.e borei nefash and al hamichya)
    -Try to ask Hashem to help me with things that may seem like I can 'do them on my own'. (i.e eating, doing work, taking a test)
    -Go to mornign seder on time ( which includes getting up on time) and not leaving before I am supposed to.

2.  Showing appreciation towards other #
    -Look the person in the eyes, put a smile on my face, and really mean it when I sya thank you for someone who does even the 4. 
      smallest thing for me.
    -Say thank you to my father for driving me to and from somewhere even if he has to go to that place also.
    -Say thank you to my Rebbe for teaching me Torah.

3.  Being tenacious in my pursuit of (Torah) *
    -Not accepting a bad answer for a question I have in Gemara.
    -Have the ability to ask my Rebbe any question thats on my mind.
    -sticking to my set sedarim and especially the ones that I set out to learn on my own for recovery.


Hashem: Please guide where I should be going in life. What should I be doing? How should I be doing it? Life is so pointless and hopeless without You and your guidance. Please help me make a Mikdash for you so you may dwell amongst me. Please help me live a life of true happiness and nto fake happiness of worldly pleasures. Hashem: I am gratefull for the bodily functions you have given me. Those include the ability to see and the ability to reproduce. Please help me use them only for good and nothing else. I dont want to corrupt my brain. I dont want to embarrass the Bris that you made with Avraham Avinu. Diracheha Darchei Noam. Hashem, you are in my life weather I can see it or not. Please help me realize that when its hard for me to see it. Hashem please help me have a good day tommorrow in terms of Avodas Hashem.

-Yiddle.....

The forum seems a little quiet today. Thought I'd say Hi and see if anyone wants to say hi back.....

(Crickets) (Crickets)

-Yiddle

yiddle you da man. You really inpire me. Thank you for that.

Dear Yiddle2 - hoping you and yours are having a nice yomtov! - D