dov wrote on 03 Mar 2010 00:41:


Yikes - that's so true! So as sad and pathetic as that news story is, we do that all the time! Well, hopefully less and less...

This is gboing to seem random to...well all of you but this is for me to write out and maybe can benefit some of you.

1) I need to actively be in recovery. I cant just sit around and hope that I recover. I need to go out and do prodictive things that help my recovery. I need to set aside time each day specifically for recovery. Obviously, I should be engrossed in Torah all day, but that never really happens. I need to commit a certain amount of time per day just for recovery.

2) I will not allow my guilt or shame to get in the way of my recovery. I am committed to change my addictive patterns and my behaviours (Middos) in life. If I look into the past, that might bring me into a depressive state and well that just leads to  more addiction. I am not proud of what I have done in the past in terms of this addiction, but if I really want to stick it to the Yetzer Hara, I better put myself into a situation where its best for my recovery. Obviously, shame and guilt would take me away from that. Yes, I have done bad things in the past. Its time to move on or stay in addiction. I choose recovery.

3) I need to be patient with recovery. I cant give myself a week and then assume that I am recovered. I neded to be committed as long as it takes. This is issue number one in my life because I know this not who I should be. I should be a Ben Torah and a Eved, and I mean only an Eved, to Hashem. I should not be a slave to this addiction. Thereofre time is necessary.

Here are a list of reasons why I want to change:

1) I know it will bring me closer to Hashem.
2) I know its not what Hashem wants from me.
3) Living a double is eating me up inside.
4) It is detrimental to my health.
5) I lose relationships and friendships because of it.
6) I want to change my perspectives on life.
7) I dont want to build a family with this in the back of my mind.
8) It is just plain sick and perverted.
9) It only gets worse and worse.
10) The little time I have been clean has given me more pleasure than any fake pleasure I get from the addiction.

not random at all, yiddle!
a beautiful and relevant post.
shkoyach, now keep at it!

Yiddle

Here is a reality chack all you said is true

None of it will helP you if you are feeling weak and vulnerable

Review this list when u are clean happy and on the way up!!!

As you said being clean and not living the sick double life is better than shmuts

Except shmuts is a quick sick unexplcibal thrill


Review this in your mind BEFoRE you get down

And...
KEEP ON Trucking!!!

I had a specific reason for making this post. Just dont want to say what it is in order to keep controversy and conflict from the forum.

Thanks all!

-Yiddle

Yiddle, my old friend, we can all see from here that you have what it takes to SUCCEED!

You need only one more thing as you stay with the program and let it be your SIMPLE but not easy guide:

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!! YOU ARE SOMEBODY GOOD, HOLY, AND YOU'RE WORTH IT!! and as our very good friend Momo once reminded us,

YOU ARE SOMEBODY SPECIAL!

Don't forget it.

And you are a Yiddle, 2!

Yiddle2 wrote on 10 Mar 2010 06:10:


Great post Yiddle!

About the above, I have some ideas for you 

guardureyes wrote on 10 Mar 2010 22:48:


Haha thanks Guard  but not what I had in mind. I was thinking more like an actual recovery plan (which I have started in that post that I made the list in) and a Mussar sefer (which I have also started; going through mesillas Yesharim again).

-Yiddle

can you please send me that link to messilas yeshorim in enlish please.

Thanks a bunch

ZD

yiddle u da man. u really got me thinking the other day.

Sure thing ZD! Heres the link for Mesillas Yehsarim online. It has a the hebrew text and english translation. I acannot verify that its a good translation but I am sure its ok. I would suggest buying it form feldheim.com or any seforim store. Heres the link:

www.shechem.org/torah/mesyesh/

-Yiddle

OK back to the seemingly random posts.

I am doing a little Cheshbon Hanefesh on the past 10 years of my life. Where have I come from to who I am today? How did I become who I am? What were my ideals? And where do I want to go? What is it that I want to see in myself 10 years from now? Who and what do I want to be?

My ideals for the past decade have been so skewed. I was more scared of man that I was of God. My Yiras Cheit was Yiras Adam.  I never served Hashem. I served my own wants and desires. I slaved myself to television, sports, and Shmutz. That’s basically it. My Avodas Hashem consisted of me davening Shachris everyday and rushing to get my Tefillin off while doing so. Shabbos was done but in the most Bidieved way possible. I am not ashamed of my past. It is something that is a part of me and a reason for who I am today. I am happy with who I am today yet not satisfied. I don’t think I can ever be satisfied with where I am in terms of my connection with Hashem. That’s a dangerous thing to say, “OK I am as close as I am going to get. Ad Kahn.” Nope, I hope it never happens. I have to always be looking to get even a tiny step closer to Hashem.

I want to become a more honest and giving person. I look at my actions sometimes and wonder how I can call myself a Jew for doing such things, things that aren’t Assur, but things that someone who wants to grow should not be doing. This all without even mentioning the Shmutz aspect. Shmutz is something that I want to grow to a level where seeing a Prutzah (C’V)makes me want to vomit and not take a second look. Beauty should only be in my wife, family, and Mitzvos. I find a nice Esrog beautifull.

I want to daven better. More Kavanah. Doesn’t mean a longer Shemoneh Esrei, just means being able to stand in front of Hashem three (or four for Shabbos and Yom Tov) and show a consistent love and thankfulness to the One who created me. I want to be Besimcha Tamid. Everyone knows the song “Mitvah Gedola Li’hiyos Besimcha Tamid.” Well I heard a variation the other day. It goes “Simcha Gedola Li’hiyos Bemitzvah Tamid.” It’s a great happiness to be constantly involved in a Mitvos. I was singing this when I was walking down the street and a man asked me for tzedaka, someone who I usually ignore. I said “if I want to be Besmicha I need to do Mitzvos!” So I gave him a dollar. It was a great feeling.

So to sum it up I mentioned three main things that the Mesillas Yesharim happens to go in depth in: Prishus, Zehirus, and Zrizus. There are many other important things, but these are things I would like to focus on right now.
Kol Tuv everyone!
-Yiddle

I have fallen a few times over th past few days. I beleive thats called binging or something like that. Well, I have to decided to put an end to that. I did something today that I think will enhance my recovery. I went for a nice run today. There was barely anyone out there so it was really great. The best part of it was that I got my mind of this whole addiction thing for once. I realized throughout the day I am thinking about addiction, addiction, addiction. I needed a break from it. I want to try to run more often. With each fall I try to do something new to stick it to the Yetzer Hara. He thinks he got me down, but well see about that when I learn more Torah and work even harder on recovery. Rosh Chodesh is coming up and I am making extra Strict Gedarim to keep myslef clean. Its such a holly time and I would really not even think of defiling the Kedusha that I can bring onto myself.

Thanks!

-Yiddle

Hey all,

Just thought I'd give some practical advide to the oylam if they are not sure what to do.

A rav once said:"Why do you think its called 'killing time'? Because thats exactly what you are doing!" People always say "Oh I have a few hours 'to kill'. What does that even mean? Dont kill time, make it usefull. You want to know how to avoid ever killing time? ALWAYS BRING A SEFER WITH YOU WHEREVER YOU GO. After hearing this I went to my Rebbe and said: "C'mon Rebbe I'm never going to learn a sefer even if I bring it!" He said back to me: "You are DEFINITELY not going to learn it if you dont bring it!" Dont know what sefer you can always carry around with you? Here's a suggestion. Buy a Shas. Not Gemara. Mishnah. You can buy a mini set of shas mishnayos for somewhere between 5-6 dollars. They come in a 6 volume set for 6 dollars! Ans its pocket-sized. So next time youre in the airport with a stopover and ask ourself how you can kill 3 hours, change the question to how you can live the next 3 hours.

Have a good night all!

-Yiddle

Yiddle2 wrote on 11 Mar 2010 02:27:


Great!!

Hey, if you could learn mishnayos straight for three hours, that's amazing.
I don't know if I could handle that. Always worth the try, though.

Hope you're having a good night sleep.
Keep on running!