I see alot of people are on the website right now. C'mon guests dont be shy to register and post everyone is welcome.

-INH

Ineedhelp!! wrote on 17 Nov 2009 01:08:

Dear INH,
Uh oh, get the airbag again...
1- it's "Guard, then Dov";
2- you are so lucky to be part of DC's group;
3- "trying to make it that we don't have a tayva for lust just like..."? Lust is tayva, first of all. Secondly, they tell us that it was our very best thinking that got us into the lusting habit in the first place. So, the answer cannot, by definition, be within us. It must come from a Power greater than ourselves. That, to me, means that wishing for power over our lust is just that: more lust. It's the problem, not the solution.
I'd look for something other than control or holiness, entirely.
Sanity is a good place to start.
See step 2.
;D
- Dov

Nice try R' Dov, but you're older than me and much wiser. And you're sober for over 10 years and have changed your life around completely and became a different person - selfless and humble (don't deny the humble, it won't help you  :D). So just cuz I had the good luck of starting GYE doesn't put me first. If I could, I'd sit on the floor at your feet and learn the wisdom of life from you. (For example; is life like a river or a mountain??)

Speak of which, Guard, we never heard YOUR story????

-INH

Good morning. I actually had a fall last night. I dont know what caused it. May have been stressed that I incurred from a midterm I took yesterday or may have been me trying to control my addiction. Whatever the reason if you can call it I think it was a "not as bad as normal fall". I was able to recognize in the middle of all the chaos what I was doing and instead of spending the usuall few hours falling, I spent minimal time. Hopefully mt tatte will pick me up.

-INH

INH,

Thanx for your reply post on DC's Call log.

Even after all that hisorirus, I also had a fall this morming, but not the lust kind. Although I had so much to do and needed to get out to an early minyan, I vegged out reading one of the kid's Harry Potter books. I lost over 2 hours from my life! When I faced myself, I saw clearly it was escapism brought on by another RID depression. But that anxious feeling of being unable to stop, while in the back of my mind I know I should, IT'S THE SAME as when I would find myself surfing the bad web sites. So I'm seeing it's NOT necessarily a DESIRE to LUST, but the FEAR and "NEED" to ESCAPE AN UNCOMFORTABLE REALITY that drives me into these manic moods. LUST and looking at women has become so second nature, that that is the direction the escapism channels to most.

Me and you and our chevra need to face our fears head-on, swallow hard and stop beating ourselves up over our poor judgement of ourselves. I AM NOT THE MISTAKE I THOUGHT I WAS!

I'm gonna stop reacting now, and get back to work. In stead of STRESSING, I'm gonna TACKLE that project I've been avoiding, AND DO MY BEST with it. Kol Hascholas Kashos! But once we start, it get easier. And if it comes out not as perfect as it could have, well, neither am I!! But at least I gave it an honest try.

Keep your head up, my friend. We're all gonna get better soon. See you on the call...

Steve

INH and Steve, your posts are inspiring.

INH:
Sorry to hear about the fall INH, but the way you minimized it is commendable.
And your 'post-fall' attitude is where its at!
You gave the yh a few hours, but deprived him of his main goal - bringing you to depression and surrender.

Amen!

Steve:
Sounds to me like a lot of internal introspection and growth is going on in there.
Keep up the good work!


"Hashem made me and He doesnt make junk!"

Thanx, 7 Up. I'm trying, but the credit goes to DC. He's inspiring, honest, fun too, but most of all knows how to say what we need to hear. He reads my mind, and what he says opens up what's deep inside. He's made me face a lot, I'm trying not to run even tho' I could never hide.

INH and everyone else on this call are the real heros. I'm so blessed to be part of this group. I'm not alone in my struggle, and like Shlomoi HaMelech said about 2 being better than one - if one falls, who will pick him up?

Gotta go to lunch now. I may be a pickle, but I'm gonna become a stuffed pepper...

Steve

Haha Steve I love that last line.

where's your red onion joke? BTW Steve you are "the man" (sorry but Hashem is "THE MAN"). Great insight on everything. Keep it up.

-INH

Wasn't it Shrek that said that Ogres have layers, too..

Anyway, I'm still digesting the red onion thingy.  Especially in light of the age old Yiddish "Blessing" (and may 7 Up forgive my spelling):

"Zols du vaktzen vi a tzibbella, mit der feese arouf und der kapf in drerd."

which means:

"May you grow like an Onion, with your feet in the air and your head in the dirt!"

Ah, there's nothing like Yiddish... shame I've exhausted my vocabulary...

Gnite, "y'all!"

I think I am starting a new system for myself. The 90 days makes me look to far ahead. I am going to make a 5 day goal, a 10 day goal, a 20 day goal, and 30, and so on. I think this will get me off to a start. I know that I should be looking at each day as a goal but in the beginning i think its important to get yourself a nice streak then look at every individual day. So today is day 2 and only 3 more days until I hit my goal!

-INH

GREAT IDEA!! Can you change your name to ITINHBIRSOTBIG? Oh, that stands for "I Think I Need Help But I'm So On The Ball It's Gevaldik."

One of the Rabbeim in my yeshiva way back when, in a mussar shmooz, mentioned 2 strategies against the YH, one of which you were just mechaven to!! He said when faced with a YH that looks overwhelming, so you are afraid to even start the battle, it helps to "chop the Yetzer Hara into bite-size pieces." Instead of saying I'll refrain from lusting for a month, etc., say "OK, no L from now until lunch. No commitment for after that, just for the next 3 hours. I can handle that." Lunchtime comes, and he says "that wasn't so hard, let me make a commitment from now until dinner. No promises after that. We'll wait and see." And dinnertime, rinse and repeat, etc. After a few days like this, then take on 6-hr. intervals, building up to a day, etc.

(Just  a reminder, these are all "being on guard" thingies that we are learning in DC's 12-Step Program are just temporary band-aids, they're not the real solution, that's deep below the smelly onion layers, but hey we're only in week 5 so we didn't get there yet...)

And if the YH tricks you, and I'll bet it could only happen "suddenly", don't beat yourself up over it. You didn't ask for this YH, and the fact that we've got it isn't our fault, so don't get depressed with guilt. Look instead at how much you've accomplished, how fantastic it has been all those days, hours, minutes and seconds of tremendous zechusim when your were able to keep "sober!" Do we even realize the love Hashem has for us, how aware he is of our struggle to break free? Winning is not up to us, that's up to Hashem - all that's in our power to do is to keep fighting.

So the second strategy he said was, "If the YH trips you up, consider it like a patch. Are you gonna stand there and take a patch from anyone other than your Father or parents? NO! So, PATCH HIM BACK!! C'mon, give him a "PATCH FOR A PATCH." He messed up your count, so PATCH HIM BACK with an extra blatt of learning that day, or some extra tehillim, or a little more tzedakkah, or make your next tefillah slower with more kavanah, or do a "random act of kindness," or call your parents just to say hello and tell them you love them, or someone who'd appreciate it or who is lonely, or spend 15 minutes quality time with your kids, get down on the floor and read or play a game with them, etc. And when you do it, do it with kavannah and say to yourself that you're getting even, that you're doing this to patch him back, so you'll be able to get closer to Hashem.

Imagine how good you'll feel after giving him that patch back. You'll remember how much of a "winner" you really are. So feel good about yourself. YOU'RE DOING GREAT!!!

"See" you on the call...

Steve

PS - Thanx for making me remember this advice from the good ol' days. I needed that Chizuk, too!

Thnx Steve,

Ya the "being constantly on guard" thing is very difficult to grasp. On the one hand we want to get RID (DC shout out) of our addiction to lust so were always on such close watch. But on the other if we guard then we are thinking we are in control. I think another reason being on constant  guard is dangerous is because of the following mashal. Imagine you are a guard for the king's palace. Your job is really to just stand there and really dont make it obvious that you are watching everyone that walks by. Making sure nothing suspicious is going on and nobody without permission gets into the palace. If the guard starts getting too investigative and starts dialing in in people that walk by, then he's going to miss if somebody sneaks into the palace while he is searching an 85 year old lady's handbag. But if he steps back and has periphiral vision and doesnt be too makpid, he'll be able to catch a scoundrel who tries to get into the palace. But then of course we cant be on guard at all, we need to leave it up to Hashem so what the guard of the palace is really there for is for show like in Buckingham Palace. They dont really need those guards, they probably have the best technology money can buy. So remember as we are "on guard", its just a show. Lets let the best technology Tefillos can buy, Hashem, do he real work.

-ITINHBIRSOTBIG

ME??!
I speak less Yiddish than an Indian chief!
Its a BT thing

BT...?  BT...? Oh, you mean "Been There" without the "Done That?"

Steve