Ineedhelp!! wrote on 25 Oct 2009 14:14:
Hey all,
Again, I fell last night. Where to go from here? What have i done wrong? I think im making huge progress and then I fall twice in 3 days after 10 clean ones.
-INH
Dear INH - You certainly have a lot going for you, and I'll list some of the things that I recognize, with some ideas for getting more out of them:
1)The fact that you recognize you have a problem. We who recognize that we have a problem need to learn to actually treat ourselves and behave
differently than people who
may not have a problem (that is, most folks out there). Totally aside from the issurim issue (which all yidden - addict, ill, healthy, tzaddikim - share), things go better for me when I admit that
I am different and therefore have no business whatsoever staring at that window/image or person nor mulling over that lust idea/temptation or analytical pretzel thingie. Adios! It's off limits for me because I do not have the ability to do it/use it to my benefit. Nothing to do with mitzvos and aveiros, necessarily. In my case (and maybe in yours, too) I made the whole yetzer hora and nisayon business so triggerring for me that it became a useless framework to operate in. It usually makes things worse for me, actually.
In mussar terms, if you wish (if you recall "bo'u cheshbon" in mesillas Yeshorim where he recommends figuring out the s'char aveirah):
there really is no s'char aveirah for me in this. No cheshbon to make, unlike other yidden. Focusing at all on the issurim involved only backfires for me. So, in the end, I end up with kedusha anyway, just not at all the way I
thought I would get it...
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/wink.png)
Any problems with that?
2)You have a positive attitude. There really is no other way to get anywhere, especially for people with challenges. Being down is just plain silly. Today really
is my main business.
3)You are getting the inside out, sharing more and more openly. The more the merrier. Just keep staying w/safe people for this.
4)You are taking responsibility for your own recovery. Reading the literature, asking questions. The written work for the steps is very helpful to me, too, and it helps me with sharing my specifics with someone. "I am only as sick as my secrets" is a major yesod for many in recovery.
5)You are so quickly admitting/revealing the fact that you had used lust. Many folks wait a few days, sit in it for a while, and brew. Then they finally share it - for much less benefit, by then.
One critical comment, though, chaver, regarding, "
I think I am making huge progress...":
I am a firm believer in the virtues of the bicycle (or tricycle) over the eighteen-wheeler. Yes, we all have feelings of making huge progress from time to time, and we often are! However,
my focus needs to be like Dovid hamelech's: "
Pischu li sha'arei tzedek" Open the gate for me - I haven't even
entered the gates of tzedek yet! I'm a baby! I don't know from progress. Today is a new avodah and a new me! I thank you for the good feeling of making progress, but what's really on my mind is: "What's my job today/what can I accomplish now, for You and for Your people?"
Look, I need
a lot of encouragement, too. But for me, the trap of thinking that I am now more healthy or free than I really am, tends to screw up the growth. Return to earth is guaranteed, the easy way or the hard way. Poor me
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/wink.png)
.
Hashem loves me so much that apparently He is happy to join me on my tandem tricycle! ;D