Mazel Tov, INH, on these precious days of being clean! Kein yirbu for all of us! Nothing can take it away.
Instead of waiting for more trouble - and there is and will always be plenty out there for
all of us - I can't help but share my two cents with you again, because I absolutely
hate to see anyone suffer needlessly the way I did for so long. I want to do my part to make the load lighter for you, which is one of the 48 ways to get Torah (nosei b'ohl im chaveiro), after all!
Here goes:
For me, as long as I was going from day to day fending off those temptations and just
holding on and waiting for it to finally
stop being a habit or just go away somehow, I never found peace. Maybe I got schar, but it never felt right inside. Besides, schar is none of my business. In fact, the days just added up to what
felt like a long time clean for me, and then I'd make any one of the many different mistakes in thinking that addicts make when we are looking for some relief from life, and act out. Then I'd be furious and desperate, and/or get hyperreligious, say the Tikkun klali, go to the mikvah, cry, and
still be completely
nuts a day later...so?
The entire life of someone who has let go of lusting after something that they are lusting after and focused instead on asking Hashem to "Please fill in the gap for me!", is qualitatively totally different than the withering experience of the person who imagines that it is their sworn duty to "beat this thing and/or hold my breath until it goes away"! Perhaps they can't let go of this cyclical wall-banging due to guilt for/need to "make up" for many past failures, twisted ideas of Hashem as having it
in for them, being convinced that they really cannot live w/o porn, masturbation, or
that woman, or whatever...
I had them all (and probably
still do , more than I realize!).
Recovery is about the relief of
really going with Hashem right now.
Yes, we all need chevra, chizzuk and will have hard times. We will all occasionally need a friend to kick our buttocks out of the gutter and back onto the right path. We may need internet filters or a wife checking our phone records, at times.
But the actual path of recovery that I am familiar with, is expressed in the steps. Read them fresh and literally. C'mon, we are all orthodox here, we know what literal means!
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/wink.png)
Try it. The message is about
doing something, rather than about
not doing something. The trick is learning how to make recovery our main occupation, rather than just "a medicine". Not easy, but simple. The alternative for me was neither easy, nor simple, to be sure.
PS. Lunch today with Borchi nafshi (and a little K'dushas leivi) will include a Beigel, (matyas) Herring, and a Bilkeleh!!