Hi Friends,

I’m new here. Please guide me further.

This is my first post, and I want to be real with you. No filters. No fluff. Just truth.

I’ve been struggling silently for over 10 years.

Yes — a full decade.

Ten years of falling, trying, failing, trying again, and slowly losing hope.

Over that time, I’ve tried almost everything — professional therapy, accountability methods, filters, tefillos, tears — you name it. But most of the time, I didn’t even realize how deeply buried I was in this.

I do remember the good times, though they were rare.

In all those years, I’ve only had three stretches where I hit 40 days clean — and only once where I made it past 50. That’s it. The rest was ups and downs. Mostly downs.

I kept this part of my life completely hidden.

To the outside world, everything looked perfect. I learned in strong yeshivos, got married with a great shidduch at the right time, had children on time, and today I’m BH very successful in business. On the outside, I’m winning.

But inside, I’ve been losing a painful, private battle that no one ever saw.

My most recent attempt to get help was less than a year ago.

I hired a certified addiction therapist (CASAC), spent thousands of dollars, and gave it another try. But again — no success. I finished the sessions with nothing to show for it.

I hit a low. Not just spiritually — I gave up emotionally.

I stopped fighting.

I stopped caring.

I acted out without resistance. Without guilt. Like there was no tomorrow.

And then — here’s where the story flips.

Just last week, during a weak moment, after acting out twice in one day and still feeling the urge, I was browsing the internet — I’d rather not say what I was looking for — and I accidentally stumbled across GYE.

I didn’t even know something like this existed.

The first thing that gripped me was the clean streak tracker.

And right away, I was hit with a memory — one of the best times I ever had on this journey. Back then, I created my own game out of staying clean. A full scoreboard. Bonuses for weekends. Double points for hard days.

When I reached milestones, I actually rewarded myself with real silver bars.

That system worked. It was fun. It gave me motivation and a sense of ownership. That was one of the only three times I passed 40 clean days.

And suddenly — right here on this site — I saw something just like it.

And I felt something I hadn’t felt in a very long time: HOPE.

So I signed up.

That very night — though the urges were still strong — I went to bed… and I didn’t fall.

Just signing up gave me strength.

The feeling of joining something bigger. Something real.

The weekend passed. And now, Baruch Hashem — I’m five days clean.

That may not sound like much to some people, but to me? It’s massive.

I haven’t had a clean five days in a long, long time.

And now… I feel hope again.

GYE feels different. It’s not just tools. It’s not just therapy. It’s a community.

Real people — like me, like you — who understand the pain. Who’ve been there. Who want to help each other out of this darkness.

I already started donating small amounts. IY”H, I plan to become a real sponsor of this holy work.

But more than money — I’m ready to give my heart.

I’m ready to fight.

But I can’t do it alone.

I need you. I need this chevra. I need your warmth, your acceptance, your accountability.

All of you — together — can help carry me to 60, and eventually 90 clean days, starting from five days ago.

My only hope is your support.

I’m done hiding in shadows.

I want to be part of the world of kedusha.

Please, welcome me in.

I’m here.

And I really, truly, need your support.

Please, please, please help me.

I’m new here.

I’m here now.

And with Hashem’s help — and yours — I’m here to stay.

Shalom Brother HollyAri and welcome to the amazing family!

What a bracha that you stumbled upon Hashem sent you to GYE. There are incredible tools here but as you've already begun to discern, one of the greatest powers here is the people. 

You are not alone, and I look forward to seeing you connect and grow in all the ways you want to. 
Hope to hear more from you soon.

Continued Hatzlacha and Kol Tov

Wow.
You can do it!!! Part of the process is to tell your story. Go ahead we’re all ears.

WOW!!
POWERFUL!!!

I couldn't help but identify with your story I also struggled 10(+) years, and hashem also stumbled me upon his place of kedushah in this world.
I can't say I'm nearly as strong as you, you're the one giving us all chizzuk.

Welcome to the place of kedusha, where the journey is real, it's though, but worth every bit.

Hatzlacha on your accent up Hashems' mountain of purity!

we're all rooting for you!!

Welcome!
Actually, you're about to save your life, we're just here to go along for your journey.
We're all here for you.
Shkoyach for the Chizuk!
Waiting to hear your story when you're ready.

Shalom Shalom !!!    Love the attitude , that's really what it's about the chavershaft learning to overcome the nisyonois together and knowing if you fall that you have who to fall on to.
            Hazlachah my friend keep posting!!!

Thank you BenHashemBH, Abieham, Goldwings, mesayinoso, lamaazavyuni, and every other reader who saw my post — even if you didn’t reply yet.

You are now the reason I’m still fighting.

The urge is still here… but the need to show you, my new chevra, that I can and will make it, is stronger than the Yetzer Hara.

I don’t feel alone anymore.

Before, it was just me — in a closed room, trapped and helpless.

Now? I walk into that room and I see you all there with me — standing guard, watching, cheering, holding me up.

That picture alone gives me koach.

Let’s keep going — together.

Welcome Hollyari,
Here a hug.

Wow! Beautiful post, for 10+ years trying and failing is painful, you said you tried that shows you are a fighter, that's amazing,

Congratulations on your initial WIN
that night you went to bed without a fall
That's awesome my friend!
And now you are clean for 5 days, you said it sounds like it's not big for some ppl..
Every Day Clean Is HUGE

Celebrate the 5 clean days,

You can see clear that Hashem is with you no matter what matzev you are even in the deepest place he sent you GYE, that shows he needs you he loves you, he wants you close to him,

GYE is different as you said very good, Its a community, a family, everyone is here to help each other grow, and to hold your hands to walk through the bridge,

Making friends is the most powerful thing to break free, we all are in the same boat we all know this well, so a friend is the source for support and chizzuk,

Keep posting, keep around, stay strong,

Looking fwd to see you grow and iy'h you will be free forever! 

Welcome, Welcome!

I think we've all been there at some point thinking things can never change but then with the right friends and support (and hard work of course!) it does and it can for you too!

Have you reached out to one of the mentors here? I'd highly recommend reaching out to HHM (Hashem help me) he can be reached at michelgelner@gmail.com. He has helped hundreds myself included, I promise you won't regret it.

Hatzlacha Raba!

Wow. Your honesty and vulnerability are incredibly powerful. You’re not just here, you’ve already taken one of the hardest steps: reaching out, being real, and letting yourself be seen. That alone is a massive win, and it deserves real respect.

Five days clean is not small, it’s a new beginning. After ten years of silent struggle, that spark of hope you found isn’t just a feeling, it’s proof that something inside you still wants light, and that’s no small thing.

One small tip: Try to start each day by writing down your "Why.” Why are you doing this? What’s at stake? Who do you want to become? Even just a few sentences. It keeps your vision alive in the front of your mind, especially when the urges try to cloud it.

So… what’s your next step?

What kind of support would be most helpful for you right now: daily check-ins? Partnering with someone? Getting on a structured plan? Let us know how we can best be there for you.

You’re not alone. Welcome home.

I’m truly amazed by you guys — by the warmth, support, and helping hand I’ve found here. I honestly can’t thank you enough! You have no idea what this means to me.

I’ve always known this was a big struggle of mine… but I never imagined I’d actually find a solution — and certainly not such a loving team to walk it with me. To have friends cheering me on, a group I can proudly say to, “Look, I made it on my first attempt!” — that’s one of the greatest gifts Hashem could have given me.

Please, stick around. Stay with me. I need you on this journey.

Welcome to this warm GYE family,

I can relate to every word you wrote as i tried lots of other tools before and nothing had such a positive effect as GYE.

stay here, and will iy'h come out a WINNER!!

It’s incredible to finally have a platform where I can speak straight from the heart — no judgment, no pointing fingers, just support and realness. That alone is a massive help.

So here’s me, raw and real: I’m a huge attention seeker and an even bigger big shot. In this life I’ve done some wild — trust me, crazy wild — things just to prove I’m stronger, smarter, better, more successful than the average guy.

But now I’m taking that same energy… and turning it into gold.

I’m going to brag right here — not to make others small, but to lift myself up. I want all of you, my new best friends, to see me shine. Because I will make it through. And not just “make it through” — I’m going to win on my very first attempt.

Why? Because that’s who I am.

My drive to win is stronger than any other need. That same ego that once brought me down… will now be the key to my endless light. I’m breaking free — with gavah shel kedusha. I’m not ashamed of who I am — I’m using every part of me to build a new future.

I’m a winner.

And I’m asking you — the kedoshim of this place — challenge me. Hold me accountable. Let your posts stay in front of my eyes when a nisayon crosses my path. Let your strength become my shield.

Because together… we’ve got this.

Alright Brother, challenge accepted!

I challenge you to answer davidt's question. What's your next step?

You are fired up, turning your struggle into a strength, and ready to win. How are you going to accomplish that? Where are you putting this energy? What do you need to change in your life to support your current will?

It would behoove you to channel your enthusiasm into something concrete that will be the foundation of the changes you are ready to implement.

Go get it!

Well well well! You little big-shot of ours... Try it out! It's harder then you think... You might be smarter, stronger, and better then me. But are you strong internal?!? Do you have the willpower of a tiger?!? 

I think you might be underestimating the challenge, so grab your toolkit, and fill it up fast with the right techniques and methods before your inclination gets to you!

P.S. beware of fighting this battle with brute force, as that will inevitably bring you much frustration, and you might fall very hard!! Just a little tip from someone with experience! Rather focus on getting it right with the correct methodology. NOT BRUTE FORCE!!! Hope that helps.