Anger, confusion, sadness....
emotions running deeeeep.
Daddy just hold me tight,
I want to be close to you....
I truly do.
Even if at times I do things that dont seem that way...
Its my pain and loneliness coming out.....
Im in pain...its rooted in deep...at times I forget it....even for a while....
But the me inside wants to be closer to You.
To push open Your gates, run into Your loving embrace, hold me Totty. Show me You care. Thats all I want. 
There is warmth and sunshine out there shining between the clouds, i just need to find it- inside my own heart.
To remember Hes telling me I love you too My son, My prince......
I WANT TO KNOW YOUR PROUD OF ME...
even when I fall You're still holding my hand, never letting go....even when Im rolling through the mud and dirt.
I dont want to fall apart. Running away from my emotions, tears running down my eyes, running, running, running.
Away.
From what?
My guilt.
Relentless guilt.
ITS NOT ME,
I cant forget that. And You Daddy made me this way with my circumstances.
So just accept it. Im not in control. Crying like a child. Cant forget. Everything, AND THAT MEANS EVERYTHING- is from You.
Trying to accept that Im a good person. Maybe 1 day I will BeH accept it.

Dirt. Mud. 
Thats what I feel like now.
Fell last night and today again.
Ugh. Ich. Fech. Get me put of this.

That hurts bro..........

Hey holy brothers!
Just update on my stats hopefully BeH will give me a boost.
BH still going clean! Just about holding by a week.\
Although recently I've been super busy so that helped keep me clean.....
BUT just to quote the mindset Ive been hearing from others.
I WONT fantasize , even though I WANT to but its not me, its not something I do cause its not worth it.
Please daven for me.....
Love,
Wannachange