I love you!!! Hashem loves you!!! Keep on fighting brother!!! Even if you fall every day God loves you!!!!

Dear I want to Change! 
First of all, the fact that you WANT to change is what makes the difference! 
Hashem only needs us to keep on fighting and not giving up./ As long as we continue and we keep moving, we are winning. Of course we want to lose less battles and win more. And for that we need tools how to rewire our brains properly and we need to strengthen our minds to not fall for every trigger.  But the only thing that would really put us in the dog house is giving up. 

As i wrote in a previous message, I completely understand you. SSA is insane. And in a lot of ways much harder then regular SA. Unfortunately, i see the rate of guys struggling with this issue growing. There can we a few reasons to that, but we need to learn how to deal with it. 

Keep on fighting and climbing higher. 

Dearest sytv yakcov chancy,
Your words are so meaningful to me. Yet I have a hard time connecting now. Me, a tzaddik?!? ha. Not right now. Fell again today. Not really trying. BeH I will get out of this. But right now Im just sitting in the doghouse. Not sure what happened, but my desire to change for the better sort of left me for now. I guess until the guilt builds up enough....God You love me. I know it , I believe it. not that its ok for me to sin. But please Help me break out of this trend. Tomorrow Im going back to work BeH, so hopefully routine will get me back into place somewhat. right now Im just idling not being productive, which breeds bad things.
From when I first logged on to GYE about a year ago, I had a lot of positive changes in my life BH. Long streaks i never wouldve dreamed of. Not sure what happened all of a sudden that my will and desire to change left me. 
Please friends daven for me. I hope that down the line when Im flying away from all this p&m it will be a chizuk that its possible to escape all this even when all seems lost.

stumbling, tumbling, down and down.
Looking for the rope, I hear voices of encouragement...
but I already stopped looking.
Why? Im not sure myself.
Getting dirty in the mud is only satisfying temporarily,
BeH I will get out of this.
Please dont leave me here

Dear WC,

If you are here and asking for help from Hashem and from us, you DO wanna Change. You just dont FEEL inspired right now. Thats ok and normal, we all go thru that. 
The real trick is to sit somewhere quite, turn off all distractions and think long and hard about the following. 
1. What do I want in life? Do I want to stay in this hell hole of SA or SSA, fantasizing, acting out, watching? Or Do i want to be free? Feel like a holy yid, A good person, A good husband/father/son. Its either or. 
2. What am I gaining for continuing these behaviors and whom am i hurting? Hashem, My Neshama, My family, My own past, present, and, future. 
3. How badly do I want to get over this? how much money would i be willing to spend to get clean? (I would spend a Trailor load of $1,000 bills)
4. What can i do right now to minimize the triggers? Filters, watching movies, going on certain places, talking to certain people, etc. 
5. What is my goal right now realistically? Start there and show yourself that you can win even for a small amount of time. YOU ARE IN CHARGE, you need to drill that into your brain. NOBODY IS IN CONTROL OF YOU except Hashem!  If I can do this, i promise you, you can for sure! 

Good luck and stay in touch. 

Chancy your wise words are so true, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
As much as I want to say that I want out of this because it makes me feel like garbage afterwards and feel empty, that would be wrong.
Plain and simple, its not fair to my wife. Im married (happily BH) with my children getting bigger and bigger BH. How dare I? (if cv it was vice versa I dont even want to think how I would react).
BH today so far is going great, feeling much better, more productive. Im a perfectionist by nature, so when things arent going well its extra hard for me. There are a few other things that trigger me as well. Im a people pleaser and sensitive to feelings. So when Im feeling lonely or dejected FOR ANY REASON - it triggers me. It could be feeling that Im not doing enough as a husband, not doing enough at work, or in my learning...all these red flag me. I know Im capable. I know Hashem made me with the skills that I BH have. BeH with tefillah will persevere.
Looking forward to day 2 tomorrow BeH

Hi, I find your message very honest and moving. And if I may say so, you absolutely have to believe that it's not you. Refuse to define yourself by the things you do, for two reasons: the first is that the you is the divine soul inside you, and that soul is perfect; and the second is that G created the Yetzer stronger than man, so understand that the battle is unequal. As you said, G has given you everything, which is proof that He believes in you and has invested in you. Do you know why? Because for Him the past, the present and the future are equal, and He knows that one day you'll be your past, so He's investing in you from today. Keep fighting, write here, share your experience and you'll succeed.

Thanks for the encouragement. Youre 100% right its not me.
Today is day 3 BH. Being back in routine is definitely a big help for me.
Yesterday was getting this feeling that im unworthy because someone was putting me down (whether they were right or not). Which is a trigger for me. Called a mentor from this site who pumped me up and reminded me that im not a good for nothing. 
Getting to the root of issues and figuring out triggers and trying to get out of them before they spiral out of control is something big I learnt since joining this chosheveh oilam. 
My hope is that BeH over time, even when I get triggered I will BeH have the strength to overcome.
Either way, BH right now feeling great although I know the YH can jump in an instant and thats normal.
Looking forward to continuing in an upward trend

Question - Since I got married years ago, my wife has made subtle comments that she feels Im not attracted to her....comments which hurt me tremendously, being as im an extremely giving person and try to make the bedroom as pleasureable for her as possible.
So now. All the while I had niggling in the back of my head, maybe shes right, because I have my SSA taivos. Although the truth is that all these years I didnt really understand it because at the end of the day I was trying to make things as positive as an experience as it can be for her, so why should it make a difference? (my wife does not know about my struggles BH).
Buut now Im thinking...all this time when I give in to my taivos, my giving nature essentialy is out the window. Im being self centered and only focusing on my own pleasure.
IS IT POSSIBLE  TO DO BOTH? To be selfish when I focus on my own pleasure, but the real me really is a giving person and looking out for my wifes best interest? Or does the selfish part of me create that its impossible for me to truly be there 100% for my wife emotionally - and thats what shes sensing and communicating that she feels Im not attracted to her? Which would mean that by breaking out of my unhealthy habits, my wifes outlook should slowly but surely change?

wannachange wrote on 25 Apr 2025 01:30:

Shalom Brother,

I don't think those things are absolutely exclusive, though one affects the other. Can you be a 100% giver when you are also taking, probably not, but that doesn't mean you aren't a giver. Your wife subtly hinting that she doesn't think you are attracted to her could be self-conscious doubts that she is projecting onto you based on how she feels about herself - not so much related to you SSA struggles (and maybe yes, but maybe not). 

Whether your wife's senses and intuition are sourced in your battle or not, you have the potential to deepen your connection from the work you are doing.

(Making the bedroom pleasurable may not translate to overall attraction. There are many more times and ways to give to one's wife that make her feel cherished and attractive, especially when physical intimacy isn't part of the equation. I'm not presuming that you don't, rather clarifying that these emotions are deeper than acts of giving. How you make her feel is a product of all your interactions and their subtleties. As one example, giving when she does not want to receive, like buying her an expensive piece of jewelry when she didn't really want it. Even if she accepts and appreciates it in the end, it can be lacking the l'shma of a genuine gift for her, and not about what I want to give. It's a delicate balance, and I'm certainly not capable of any 100%, but I can try to listen more closely and respond to her needs coming more from her and less from me).

Ben Hashem, your post is a masterpiece! 

BenHashemBH wrote on 25 Apr 2025 02:51:

you really hit home a strong point. Thank you!
BH Looking forward to tomorrow day 6 BeH!!!! Brothers we're gonna conquer this beast!!!!

need to vent....please hear me out.
went to a wedding tonight....wasnt the most modest affair ever.....whatever.....
there was a guy in the band who my eyes kept wandering to.....
I feel sick....Im in a room full of ladies many not dressed so modestly...and Im attracted to a guy in the band!!!SICK thats how I feel.
BH I persevered and after spending a few minutes making sure to look in the opposite direction, I just left and waited in the car for my wife to comeout. Huge win BH.
BUT - what the heck.....why why why why why why why why?????? The way he moved, the way he looked, I was pulled to it. Its disgusting. Why ? its not like its exactly feasible anyways, as if I would approach him CV, never ever. (besides he would probably punch me out and I would lose my reputation or worse CV.....)
I know, this wasnt my choice to have this nisayon. Hashem put me here because He knows I can and will overcome BeH.
But im annoyed at myself. Sick, dumb, stupid.
Not feeling triggered as of yet. Tomorrow is 7 BeH. Just feeling down and annoyed. Why cant I just get control of myself??????

Sorry to hear your pain.
Regarding your last point, we can learn to control our responses, but what exactly triggers us is in Hashem's hands. Lust is lust.... whatever specific hat it wears for you.

You are a HERO!!! וינס ויצא החוצה. You did everything you could in a situation that you didn't seek out. Have a little Rachmanus on yourself. KOMT!!!!!

Oi Vy!
FIrst of all, please dont call yourself sick! You are not Sick BH. You have desires and fantasies and dreams and what not. That doesnt make you sick. 

Ill tell you a secret, it very highly possible that you are not even so attracted to that guy, ive seen lots of times when we try to fight the desire because it makes us feel sick and we keep fighting it, then the thought will persevere, and eventually it will find a way in. Ive seen this over and over. 

its the same with regular SA. Sometimes you can see a women and my first response is oh god am i attracted to her? And i will try to find a reason to not be attracted but my mind will then find something that does attract me. The best trick is to tell yourself "Maybe that person is attractive, maybe not. I will never find out not do i realy want to. Yes, there is a part of me that wants to feel that pleasure and thats ok, but i dont need to go and follow that thought all the way to hell.....

Its the same way someone with a eating addiction would think when seeing a delicious dessert. Yes, it looks great, i know how it feels, but i dont need to go there. I can move on with my life. 

Its just our brains are stuck in this mode of seeking that pleasure. We just need to train the brain different ways of thinking.

Love