Amazing, this is true growth and clarity!

I have found it that I am more relaxed, even when I have an urge, by the knowledge that I am a healthy human being that doesn't need to rely on Lust to get through my problems. This is including times of extreme stress and pressure!

Feeling worthy is also about self-respect. A lot of us have lost respect for ourselves, and if we change our self image from a person who doesn't deserve to be worthy, to a person who has earned that worthiness by working on themselves, then we are on the right path to happier lives.

(A side note, "happier lives" doesn't necessarily mean always happy, it could also mean that during the rough times this burden isn't there, which makes the rough times more manageable. As well as when life isn't rough then we are truly happy without this weight holding us back.)

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

OK oilam truckin to 13 BeH! 
Spoke to mentor for a while tonight. Hes great BH really helping me.
Its ok to be hurt sometimes and not react with anger. Its OK to feel hungry sometimes and not run to eat something. Its OK to feel a need to relax and not turn to p&m even though I want to. Its OK to get triggered to feel bad and not react with the false pacifier of p&m.
Step 1 is recognizing that I am a good, great person with many positive qualities and not beat myself up every time something wrong happens. 
1 step at a time BeH.
Thank you to this special family for being there for me.
Until next time brothers.
Love,
WC

OOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I made it to day 26! Pretty good! Great actually! BH!
Then yesterday I fell, 2X. It started with a few glances at the wrong things...then when I couldn't fall asleep...it was tooo hard not to fantasize after laying awake in bed a few hours and then one thing led to another....then the next day fell again bec why not I fell already! Yeah I know wrong approach.
Either way BH today doing better. Day 1.
Actually the best thing eva happened through this fall. I reached out to my mentor and he told me he was disappointed in me. But he still loves me. That showed me that he has true expectations of me, its not all just fluff. There is someone who truly believes in my abilities to do better. And if I fall, he's going to be disappointed in me. Hopefully will make me think twice next time.
Heading on vacation next week, going to be a hard set up. Hopefully I will be able to post that I stayed clean the whole time!
Need to stay focused on my 1-motivation, 2-Triggers, 3-How to deal with my urges. Don't have them set up so well yet.  Also I think having a few people to call when the going gets rough would be good. More then 1 in case I cant get through to someone. Also I don't want to feel like I'm bothering someone when everyone has busy lives.
Until next time,
Love,
Wannachange

Shalom Brother,

26 days is huge! Glad you are appreciating that.

Sorry to hear about your falls but it's a great chizzuk to see you standing up and ready to get back to it. Yaasher Koach!

Have you written down your motivations? Might be a good idea to do that and review them daily.

I'd be happy to be one of your few people to reach out to, if you are interested (calling is harder for me, but I'm pretty available for messaging).
Let me know. My email is BenHashemBH@gmail.com and I can share my Google Voice number if that is easier.

When I was on vacation, I found it very helpful to have accountability, planning each day in the morning what I need to do, and assessing in the evening how it went and if improvements were needed. Stay on the ball

Hatzlacha and Koooooooooooool Tooooooooooooov!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hey Brother,

you're a true Hero!!

Ho hum....
Hey everyone. Thanks for following up with me.
Was in some pretty hard circumstances past few weeks. BH had a lot of strong moments, with some falls unfortunately due to exposure to unfilteed devices I dont usually have access to. Mentor set me straight originally- my fantasies were looking at it as a way to finally let go....but really theres nothing there. Worked for a time but then....
Whatever. BH made it a decent time clean with the exposure, thats worth a lot to me. Eventually made a knas for myself if I watch anything again until I left that situation.
Now on day 5 BH.
I have a journal I once made for myself. Going to start posting it here piece by piece. Enjoy the ride!

So Im going to start posting some segments of a journal I once made for myself right when I started really searching for help. Going on GYE was a big step for me. This was about 2.5 years ago.

Journal #1

Dear G-d,

Woah do I feel lost and alone right now. I finally opened up to someone hoping this would be my final step towards recovery, I got so excited, I was nervous, I broke barriers I never did before. Yet…it doesn’t seem to have helped. They suggest 12 step groups etc., there’s no way that’s ever going to work, I can’t take any chances of my wife finding out (even as she sits on the couch on the other side of the room). Yes it’s true there’s still the F2F program I didn’t try yet, but I don’t know how much that’s going to help, we’ll see BeH.

Speaking to people has helped me, I know I’m not crazy, not dangerous, I have this REAL taivah that Hashem knows I have and I have to deal with and He knows how CRAZY hard it is for me. I don’t know why he gave this to me, I don’t seem to be doing a very good job at overcoming it. I’ve tried so many things to try to overcome it, I tried kaballos, exercising etc. I’m still so lost. I know I’m not a weirdo.

My biggest fear is that my wife will find out, what will be with my family. I love my wife, I don’t want to take any chance of losing her. I love my kids I don’t want to take any chance of losing them. I NEED HELP. But I don’t know how to get it, there doesn’t seem to be any realistic options.

Acceptance-what are my real feelings of attraction, is it dependent on where in the cycle my wife is, is it dependent on how much I do PAM, I am attracted to my wife.  I want to provide her 100%, I don’t want to feel that our marriage and connection isn’t as great as it can really be.

I wish I could communicate with my wife, we can work on it together, it would make our relationship so much more meaningful. No more secrets no more feeling 2 faced. BUT I CANT.

Right now I’m sort of just accepting that I’m going to have this struggle for the rest of my life, there doesn’t seem any way out. Hopefully somehow my clean stretches will become longer, maybe through the F2F program will help me. I know I’m normal and that these urges are real to me. I know im not crazy.

But…. I became sort of OK with PAM myself….although deep down I wish I wasn’t, I don’t want to be OK with it, I just sort of am giving up , like because I don’t see any way out of this. Why is there something wrong with PAM, I know the Toirah doesn’t allow it but that hasn’t stopped me until now. I also know that goyim also go for therapy for help in this area, so there’s obviously something just dark and bad about it, my body starts to shiver from watching something….

Read most of your thread, I have much respect for you, you are a true inspiration!
Although Im still single, I personally would think that opening up to your wife will open many new doors, again, Im not and was never in a relationship, so I dont know and am not experienced, but that's what I would do.

​much Hatzlacha, fighter:punch:

BH had a big win last night. Was feeling lousy and put down but didnt let my thoughts stray, ended up falling asleep.

Journal #2

-OK here goes nothing, I read some more posts on GYE and heres what Im thinking, my parents relationship with each other never seems to have a lot of trust in it in regard to love and caring. Yes its true my father always said we do this in order to make Mommy happy etc but that was really more acts of service not love I think. I remember only once seeing them interact physically. Also was I missing out physical touch from my father which causes me to crave care and compassion from other men which translates to my need for SSA? Wow that was deep! Is it true? My father never hugged me much, the most was rubbing my back which I always found uncomfortable and embarrassing bec. he would do it in shul.

Also another point, the whole Captain Kirk point by Dove, which makes sense, basically that if you don’t put your name out there you aren’t admitting to yourself that you are a normal person, just that you have a sickness to overcome, rather you are giving yourself 2 identities which can crash! That makes sense but Im still scared my wife will find out and I will lose everything!!!! It’s just not worth it, I love her and don’t want to lose her and my kids I LOVE MY FAMILY IM CRYING JUST THINKING R”L ABOUT THIS, I wish I could be open and honest with her and she can help me together we can grow but I’m just too scared to try in case she won’t understand or give me the chance.

-Why all of a sudden am I feeling even more lost then I was before? Why am I feeling more sad, I’m not functioning well in work. Is it bec I came to this realization and am scared theres no way out? I wrote before that im just going to have to accept this way of life perhaps, is that true? Am I really OK with that??? I want to feel loved and cared for without any judgement! Its not my fault G-d created me with this nisayon to overcome, and I’m not a dangerous person! Don’t judge me, please!

-Am I addicted to P&M? To quote “”- “ I don't think I'm addicted to P&M. I have normal urges like all healthy people. “ So what about me? Sometimes I cant go a day without PAM, sometimes I can go a few weeks. I don’t feel its a big black chasm like some people describe when they don’t PAM for a while.

-I definitely had distinct feelings when I was younger of WANTING TO BE IN A POSTION THAT IM CARED FOR- I used to fantasize when I was little- not in a PAM way , I was too young for that then, but just to be cared for physically. Was my upbringing really missing in that area so much? Was it bec I didn’t see my parents interacting physically, did they not give me enough physical touch? Im FINALLY REALIZING I think that I always was drawn to make friends (in a normal way) with people BECAUSE I was subconsciously always looking for a male relationship! And then when I wasn’t getting it I turned to PAM as a physical outlet, and that’s why I always fantasize of being in the position of being cared for  WHEN REALLY THAT’S THE LAST THING MY PAM FANTASIES ARE GIVING ME!!!!

Journal #3 

To quote Jonathon , therapist in SSA that I found a post he has on GYE;
(im not going to put on the whole post as parts of it may be triggering for others)

“And now with each male figure, try to determine what exactly is it that you need. I'll provide some examples that I have heard most often from other SSA men:

• Father: Love, Care, Support, Recognition, Affirmation
• Peers: Validation, Camaraderie, Recognition, Play, Support, Love
• Brothers: Support, Love, Respect, Care
• Mentors: Guidance, Support, Safety, Understanding

First off, notice that some of the needs can be met by more than one male figure, and this is because the way a father gives support, for an example, is different than the way a peer may do so. Also, it is crucial to recognize that these are needs, (as opposed to wants-which I'll try to explain more in another post, but give this some of your own thought for now), and that these needs are non-negotiable. That means you deserve to have them met now, in the past and G-d willing in the future as well.

Finally, again I want to point out that we all have different needs, and I am sure there other male-figures I could list too. What I have above is just an example for the purposes of explanation - what matters most is how YOU on your own identify what types of males you need in your life, and what exactly is it that you need from them. So go ahead and do this for your top right circle.

When you are done, move on to the next and final circle labeled, "What I received from men." To fill this in, list the types of male figures you listed before (Father, Peers, ect.) and now write next to each man what you received from them in the past and currently right now. Here are some examples of what I've seen many men with SSA end up writing down:

• Father: Rejection, Unavailable, Abusing, Hurtful, Unloving
• Peers: Bullying, Rejection, Mean, Hateful
• Brothers: Absent, Abusive, Unloving
• Mentors: Abusing, Hateful, Absent, Rejecting

-Well, I guess that just about sums me up then! My low self esteem is really my worst enemy! Lack of belief in myself that I had real friends in elementary was really bad! Also of course the fact that I don’t think Totty was able to be too available or compassionate to me either probably played a big role!

THIS MAKES SO MUCH SENSE! I wish I could share this with my wife!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Let’s. Start. Over. I spoke to Hashem Help Me tonight for the first time.

1) He spent time telling me Im normal , I’m not g-y. We discussed my background I told him about my relationship or lack thereof with Totty. Also my low self esteem. He said how could you possibly blame yourself, you  were young when it became a habit, you didn’t know it was wrong, no one ever spoke to you about it or gave you hadracha on it. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!! I didn’t have bechirah as my habit was so strong and I didn’t truly believe there was a way out so I just kept on giving up! HKBH put me, a talented great guy with loads of mitzvos in this situation, and I just need to know that if I fall, oh OK, and move on. Like a guy who knows every time he goes on a plane his leg hurts him. Its not his fault hes just this way. So too Im this way as a result of a few things and I absolutely should not go crazy from falling. Its a habit from when I’m younger with no hadracha did I ever get in regard to it, how can I possibly be blamed for it! He told me I’m not addicted.

2)Whats the reason to stop? FOR MY WIFES SAKE!!! By animals they were created diff, they were created separately, they have a specific dating season, and by that season theyre hyperactive with any other female, however by people, we were created as one unit and then split into 2, but really we’re 1 unit. Taking walks together just spending time together, even arguing together and being mevater to one another, is all a part of our relationship. In the bedroom, is like the icing on a cake. We have the cake, which is our intimacy, already from everything else we do to create a bond with each other. The Icing-the sexuality, is something which enhances the cake which is already there.

But Reshaim ruin BOTH-they want the icing by itself without the cake- they do it without the bonding part, without the intimacy meaning without the close relationship of caring and compassion between husband and wife.

The goyim pay to have people smile while doing p-rn, even though in truth its gross, someone was mezaneh RL he threw up afterwards, they pay people to do things which make it look good. Lots and lots of examples. Lingurie, certain body contacts, who says she is really doing that because she enjoys it, maybe shes just doing it to fulfill the mans needs, and the mans needs are painted by the goyish culture that he’s exposed to, but in truth, the man should just be focusing on what is going to grow his intimacy with his wife, meaning what does his wife really want? What really gets her excited that I can GIVE TO HER, because that’s what intimacy is all about, bonding together.