Anger, confusion, sadness....
emotions running deeeeep.
Daddy just hold me tight,
I want to be close to you....
I truly do.
Even if at times I do things that dont seem that way...
Its my pain and loneliness coming out.....
Im in pain...its rooted in deep...at times I forget it....even for a while....
But the me inside wants to be closer to You.
To push open Your gates, run into Your loving embrace, hold me Totty. Show me You care. Thats all I want. 
There is warmth and sunshine out there shining between the clouds, i just need to find it- inside my own heart.
To remember Hes telling me I love you too My son, My prince......
I WANT TO KNOW YOUR PROUD OF ME...
even when I fall You're still holding my hand, never letting go....even when Im rolling through the mud and dirt.
I dont want to fall apart. Running away from my emotions, tears running down my eyes, running, running, running.
Away.
From what?
My guilt.
Relentless guilt.
ITS NOT ME,
I cant forget that. And You Daddy made me this way with my circumstances.
So just accept it. Im not in control. Crying like a child. Cant forget. Everything, AND THAT MEANS EVERYTHING- is from You.
Trying to accept that Im a good person. Maybe 1 day I will BeH accept it.

Dirt. Mud. 
Thats what I feel like now.
Fell last night and today again.
Ugh. Ich. Fech. Get me put of this.

That hurts bro..........

Hey holy brothers!
Just update on my stats hopefully BeH will give me a boost.
BH still going clean! Just about holding by a week.\
Although recently I've been super busy so that helped keep me clean.....
BUT just to quote the mindset Ive been hearing from others.
I WONT fantasize , even though I WANT to but its not me, its not something I do cause its not worth it.
Please daven for me.....
Love,
Wannachange

Maybe one day we'll see fantasizing as an abuse of a woman's body (much like ogling her - even if she doesn't see) - or see it as a shallow connection to a woman.... Until then, keep it up!!!!!!!!! 

Muttel wrote on 23 Jun 2025 12:48:

Maybe also as demeaning or abusing our own mind and kochos. How would one react if he saw someone using a rare diamond stud earing as a toothpick?

Valid points Alex and Muttel thanx.
BH workin on day 10. Trying to stay busy so dont have freetime to think and fantasize.
This hot weather makes it extremely haed for me....people walkin around outside....ich
BH kids off from school and not in camp yet keeps me on my toes but also can cause pressure which can trigger me tp p&m as a bandaid to relieve stress.....
obvs its all a fake but still.........
Any help or chizzuk greatly appreciated

Hey all BH still clean for now but having a very hard time....
After a good talk with HHM where he really put me in my place...I came to realize a few things....
1)Trigger #1 for me is loneliness or feeling sad...this is caused from feeling like a good for nothing. Even though in reality Im an over achiever...I'm a people pleaser. I know Im good at what I do. Im great at my job, great husband and father. Always trying my best to make everyone around me happy, and looking for the best in others. EXCEPT for one person-myself. I cant fargin myself, I'm always blaming myself. Low self esteem. thats what it is. horrible what it does to me. Whenever i get a vibe from someone that theyre upset or disappointed in something I did or didnt do...I right away start feeling like a good for nothing. (I believe this comes from a childhood experience of consistently being put down) Even if they didnt really mean it that way.
THEREFORE I look for a band aid in the form of p&m. Bad idea. So next comes my more healthy outlet to make myself feel better- calling people from GYE who will remind me Im a great phenomenal.
2)BUT HERES WHERE I REALIZED SOMETHING NEW BH THANKS TO HHM- What happens when I cant reach someone to pull me out of despair? I just give up. Good for nothing that I am....Im going to fall anyways....NONONONONONONONO. I need to realize that CALLING OTHERS TO LIFT UP MY SPIRIT IS ALSO JUST A BANDAID LIKE p&m. Obviously a much healthier and better one, but a bandaid nontheless. Ideally I have to learn that I REALLY AM A GOOD PERSON. Look in the mirror and say my mailos. (ok now I officially feel like a nut). AND to learn to live with sometimes feeling down about myself and to bring myself up....
3)So today Im feeling much better about myself after talking to myself in the mirror....and Im getting triggered again! What ! Wait! Where did that come from! I realized that Here comes trigger #2 - bored and feeling unproductive. This part of the year is slower for me and being as Im an overachiever, if theres a time Im not feeling productive(=bored) BOOM trigger. Especially with the nice weather outside, its hard. Just plain hard.
So how do I overcome this??

Had a hard couple of days. Todays day 2.
Whats the deal with the accountability partner program? anyone want to partner up?

wannachange wrote on 27 Jun 2025 02:04:

These realizations themselves can be very helpful. Look, for the longest time, you probably felt that you fell because a terrible part of you loves lust and can’t control yourself. Now you’re seeing patterns… you don’t really have a lust problem. You have a living problem . That ought to be a huge step in changing the way you are looking at yourself… and you’re taking positive steps. Realizing where those living problems are…. 
Keep thinking proactively . Staying touch with people. You don’t need to follow the same patterns and before. You have done and will learn how to do things differently. 

You owe it to yourself. 

Hang tight. Here’s a warm hand, 
Chaim Oigen 

wannachange wrote on 06 Jul 2025 02:43:

Feel free to reach out!
Info in my signature.

You won't regret it! PY is one of the greats, I owe my success to him as he was my very first partner....

OK here we go wrappin up day 9 BH.
Someone is triggering me by making me feel inadequate. Trying to keep reminding myself that its not true!
Recently I had a great talk with a mentor. Brought out that I try so hard to give over to others as a result of lacking positive feedback in my own childhood. Sort of like that I know how it feels so I want to fill that void for others. 
But the child inside of me is still crying and feeling insecure, not really sure that he is capable. That he can accomplish what others cant. That he is great and smart and a person that people actually like. 
My mentor said to give the little boy in me a hug.
I thought can that really work?
So I tried. Closed my eyes, hugged him. Caressed him. You are loved. Cared for. And Im proud of you. You are going through a hard time. Pointed out to him that his guilty feelings are unfounded. Its not his fault someone is making him feel like this. You are trying your best. Helping out at home. Working hard at work. Etc.
I think it worked.

Sorry for the constant posts but hey its my thread if you dont like it you dont have to read it
Great convo with mentor again BH.

2 reasons I fall- 
1-As a way to relax
2-And this one is more important-as a way to escape something. The trick is to figure out what Im trying to escape. By me its a deeeeeeeeeeeply rooted feeling of not being worthy. 
The true way out is to ....drum roll please....FEEL WORTHY. BeH that will eventully get me out of the relaxing reason as well. 
So basically if you see a guy walking around talking to himself and you lean in closely and hear him being a bal gaivah pointing out all his mailos to himself - you spotted me!

wannachange wrote on 14 Jul 2025 03:12:

No reason to be sorry, keep it up!

So happy to hear you are getting clarity!