BenHashemBH wrote on 14 Jan 2025 21:13:

Perhaps I could use the Taphsic method...
But I think accountability on the forums will do the job as I'm scared of cande and some others here.
I also have a personal accountability partner, but I wanted the accountability of the oilom here as well.

Any suggestions are welcome.

Thanks so much

upanddown wrote on 14 Jan 2025 21:09:

Filter installed. Test passed BH.
השגחה פרטית - I learn Nidah in the morning בעיון and got to daf 13 beginning of this week which is all about הוז”ל. It was a great chizuk at the right time of a big Nisayon!

simchastorah wrote on 23 Jan 2025 06:03:

These types of posts I would love to store in my "favourite posts" or "archived posts".
I wish GYE would add such a feature.

60 days clean. TYH!

I'm feeling really sad and upset for various reasons so just wanna vent a little without going into too much detail....

Still going through difficult times especially with wife's emotional health. She's been depressed for past 11 years including panic attacks and constant negative thinking. Obviously with ups and down, now being in a major down. Besides for that she is dysfunctional in more than one way. I've been extremely patient with her over the years, listening, loving, caring, unconditional love, prioritising her and my children over EVERYTHING in my life, forgiving her, supporting her emotionally, giving her financial freedom, etc etc. And she acknowledges it. I'm just feeling tried and drained atm.

This morning I once again couldn't get up in time to daven betzibbur (because my wife was crying to me last night until very late about many dramatic, exaderated problems). Then I missed going to learn with my morning chavrusa because I had to deal with some other issue that came up.
Hashem knows my situation and won't be בא בטרוניא עם בריותיו. But I still feel like such a failure. 
What was difficult for me was to take my little daughter to her school this morning, seeing all other daddy's rushing to work/kolel after having davened betzibbur (my assumption), and noticing many put together, functional mothers, well dressed, out and about, bright and early bringing their children to their schools, while my wife is at home, rolled out of bed late (children frustrated with her), smelling from her mouth, walking around in her pijamas with her belly sticking out as she's gained tons of wheight until she absolutely must get dressed and put on make up - not for me - rather because she has to go out to work to which she always arrives late btw. Always. (Hey, it's so not nice of me to write all of this about her behind her back... maybe I'll delete/edit this post in a few days).
I noticed one specific beautiful, positive lady who I have always been attracted to (had a bit to do with her because I taught her son).
It was soooo difficult.
I controlled myself. I looked down. I ran to my car. I cried to Hashem. Bitter tears. I screamed to Him. I davended that he should sort out my many struggles in all areas of life. I mainly asked him to hold me tight in the area of Kedusha. Then I went home and davened a long heartfelt shachris.
I don't feel much better yet. But I'm trying to breath deeply and live in the moment and say to Hashem הנני!

Oy bashefer! It's so hard!

Thanks for listening my dear brothers...

בשורות טובות,
UpAndDown

Hurts like hell to read this. 
Running to your car and crying to Hashem like that makes you a man that I admire and want to emulate. הנני. Wow.

Here's a warm hand, from a guy who has cried in his car more than a few times.
Hope you can find a place of of peace, at least inside yourself. 
Hope it gets better.
chaimoigen

HUG!!!!

No words .......     (My matsavs not even close to yours but I could def relate)   The famous story oy r zusha and r meilech they got locked in a jail and couldnt learn or daven cause the toilet was in their room  and r zusha was very sad that they couldn't do any mitsvos    but r meilech comforted him that if hashem put us here this is obviously what he wants and our avoida is here ....  and they danced around the toilet with the hakara that hashem was there with them.                                             This story is something I drilled into myself ,yiddeshkeits not about streaks it's about the current moment.  What do I have to now. RIGHT NOW, WHAT SHOULD I BE DOING.    Another story  bocherim from r chaim Epstein's yeshiva were on way to friends chasuna and they got stuck in traffic  so they called r chaim if they should stop in a town on the way to daven mincha betsibur and miss the chuppah or daven beychidis and make it on time for the friends chuppah.  And he paskened miss the chuppah daven beychidis  cause the chosson is going to be nervous that he wont have friends by the wedding.     One of the bocherim cried out but rebbi I didn't miss davening with a minyan since my bar mitzvah ..  r chaim answered yiddeshkeits not about streaks now the right thing is to miss minyan and make the chuppah.                My friend the  this is our avoida  hashem put us in this stinky matsav he obviously wants us here.                            Hatslacha (keep venting it's good every once in a while).    Keep fighting 

R’ Upanddown,

Your persistence, drive, and sincerity in your avoda is inspiring. I get to se it more than our brothers here, but you just gave the olam a glimpse at what kochos it takes for you to pull through…..

Here’s hoping and davening your situation improves, and until then, that you consistently trump over your nisyonos…

With a ton of brotherly love,
Muttel

I am sitting here in absolute AWE.

May HKBH give you the inner clarity and strength, and may you continue to inspire us, and see a Yeshua. 

wow i feel your anger i feel your pain, im in same status as you, i understand you 1000%.
but to leave yiddishkeit is not the the ansure, it will be much worse, you are a good guy agood jew just keep it up, winston chuchill said  Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.'
so just keep on doing wahts right

"Every step you take, no matter how small, is progress—keep going!"

"You're stronger than you think, and every challenge is just another chance to prove it!!!!!!!!!     i"I know it's tough, but the hardest climbs lead to the most beautiful views—you're closer than you think, just keep going keep pushing forward!" 

"Falling back doesn't mean you're failing; it means you're learning how to rise stronger each time—keep getting up, you're building resilience!"



"It might feel impossible now, but remember: the strength you gain from pushing through the hardest moments will be worth it. You’re capable of more than you realize—one step at a time."

Thank you all for your care and warmth.. you literally saved me!
A special thank you to HHM and R Muttel who have been a massive support.

Instead of complaining so much I should really just count my blessings on a daily basis and thank Hashem for all the good he has given me in my life... especially for an amazing forgettery! Forgetting the hard times is such a brachah! 

BH there have been some "sunny spells" in the last few days... but the mood swing is so frustrating. Friday night was a hard one... after a couple of hours of building up our love and being aroused, her mood suddenly changed and she let me down. It was a big trigger. I let her fall asleep and went downstairs to distract myself with some reading and learning. She doesn't seem to be trying to make up for it atm, so I'm still having strong urges...

Over the next few months I have a few trips abroad coming up, each one with it's unique challenges. I will iyH post for accountability. 

Humbly,
UpAndDown


EDIT: Meanwhile i went on a long jog and did 3x20 push-ups and the urges are fading... excersise does so much good! Especially outdoor exercise.

As mentioned above I have a few trips coming up so posting for accountability.

Challenge #1
Type: Trip abroad
Purpose: Leisure
Duration: 4 days
Destination: Not Burma
Accompanied by: 0 persons. Travelling alone.
Challenge intensity scale: 10/10
Trigger keywords: Airport. Airplane. Non-Jewish Hotel. TV. Sports. Swimming pool. Childhood trauma.
Current GYE status: 67 days clean BH.
Safety measures: Accountabilty partner. Posting on forums. Unplug Tv. Cover TV. Type of Taphsic method. Distraction (book, kosher videos, gemara, tehilim).

Any ideas are welcome.

Thanks for reading,
UpAndDown

Having someone to check in with you can make a big difference.
remind yourself why you want to stop – Keep a list of your reasons and review them often.
Practice self-control techniques – Deep breathing, mindfulness, and prayer can help.
Keep a book, a hobby, or even a stress ball nearby to stay engaged in something else.
and agin remind yourself of your goals – Why do you want to avoid inappropriate content? Keep that in mind.
Pray or recite a positive affirmation – Strengthen your self-control with motivation.

I get it—when something tempting is right in front of you, it can be really tough to look away. But you have control over where you focus your attention. Here are some ways to handle the situation:
Remind yourself why you want to avoid looking—whether it’s for self-discipline, spiritual growth, or respect for yourself and others.
Think of the people as human beings, not objects—this helps break the habit of looking at them in a certain way.