Shalom Aleichem Rabosai,
Unfortunately, after almost two weeks clean, last night I had a fall. I was fighting for a while and eventually gave in. I was so tired, dejected, and upset with myself that I didn’t care anymore. This morning, as I lay in my bed contemplating what I had done, exhausted and disgusted by my actions, I was ready to go back to bed. I was ready to misss schachris, skip putting on tefillin, skip seder and shiur, and just wallow in my bed all morning. However, I didn’t let the Yetzer HaRa win. I got up, however tired I was and however painful it felt. I told myself that Hashem put me here in this world in this situation in order to test me and help me reach greatness. This is a tremendous nisayon that I’ve dealt with for so long, but I know I could still do it. Hashem believes in me. I just need to believe in myself more. I need to stay motivated at all times. I can’t get tired and be meyaesh. IyH I will only go up from here. Until next time, hatzlacha everyone.

Hello everyone,
Gut Voch! The end of last week was quite terrible. I had that deep low that only comes as a result of a fall. This terrible feeling continued into Shabbos, and I was unable to enjoy much at all. However, as I sit here typing, I am feeling much better and excited for the week that lies ahead. I never want to feel like this again. I’ve realized that I am most vulnerable when I am upset and sleep deprived. This week, I will work on trying to get to sleep earlier and work on my mood to try and stay positive. 
i have a filter on my phone, but as you probably know, no filter is totally fool-proof. What do you guys think I can do? Should I get rid of the internet completely on my iPhone? I was also considering switching to a dumb phone. I most only use my phone ( or at least should) for WhatsApp. I’ve been thinking for a while that I convince myself I need my phone, but it could be I really don’t. Even when I’m not doing bad things, I waste a lot of time on my phone and I am constantly checking it. Maybe I don’t need to get rid of the phone, but I definitely need to start taking more control over my compulsive behavior towards it. 

I saw this thing callled the 12 steps. Do you guys know what it is and if I could benefit from it? I started listening to Rav Shafiers the fight shiurim which have been good so far. It’s just hard to take all this stuff into account into the heat of the moment. It’s like my brain is taken over by a monster that just needs to be fed. I’ll just try to stay busy and keep reading stuff here for Chizuk and hopefully staying connected. I find posting has helped me stay strong. 

Btw, I realize I haven’t shared much personal info. I am 20 years old and have been struggling for 6-7 years since the beginning of high school. I’ve tried for a while to quit but unsuccessfully. The past two years I was in yeshiva in Eretz Yisrael, and BH most of the time I was clean. However, I am now back in America, and it has been much harder. I’m still in Yeshiva, but also doing University. Im under a lot of stress a lot of the time, and I also have a lot of emotional issues I’ve been dealing with. I may have some anxiety and depression, and I’ve started seeing a therapist. I struggle a lot socially as well. I think a lot of my problems stem from this issue. For so long, I have used p and m as a way to deal with difficult emotions. I never learned the skills necessary to overcome challenges in life. This behavior also has distanced me from friends and family and leaves me feeling very lonely a lot. I also tend to be very self-deprecating. All these negative emotions and thoughts create the bad cycle that I find myself in. I realise this is the problem and what I need to do. I want to fix all this before I get married; I think I have a few years. IyH this time will be for real and I will really break free. 

I’ve also been trying to work on my bitachon, if anyone has any suggestions. Or any sefarim you think would be helpful. I also enjoy good Jewish music and find that it helps me stay calm a lot, if anyone has any suggestions. Shkoyach

Shoimeh Carlebach answer to all problems
   Hatslcha my friend!!

Hey, HLY123, it sounds like you need a good hug. Here's a few...
My friend, you sound like you could use a few friends, so stick around and make them, right here
If you want to, feel free to reach out at the email in my signature

If you can get rid of the internet on your phone, that can be a great idea. Wow out the reasons that you think you need it and think about it. If it's a source of falling, and wasting time which is also a big issue, good thing to consider.

At least set up the restrictions properly so you will only use it sparingly and for important things.

From my experience, just saying that I need to control myself and not waste time doesn't help. I need to set up my systems to do the work for me.

You are an inspiration for us, and for yourself, not to let a fall bring you down. Every time you succeed, you get stronger. 

Much success in all!

if you are an addict [and willing to admit it - something that not many on here are able to do]
check out 12 steps [eg SA]

the 12 steps work!
its a way of living a spiritual life
read rabbi tweskys - 12 steps - im jewish!

reach out to Efraim through the chatbot at the bottom right of your screen