Day 5 ב"ה

Thanks for checking in, it's good to be missed. I had a bunch of falls last week and felt too embarrassed to just keep posting "Day 1". My intention had been to wait until I had a week clean but after the check-ins and even hearing from chancy hagudoil, here I am.

On Sunday I wrote up a few paragraphs about how awful I was feeling from the p & m in so many ways and followed it with a write up of the pros and cons. Naturally the cons far outweigh the pros. It's always helpful for me to make this sort of list. I've been reviewing the list not quite daily since then and it has helped me to stay clean, to not want to do engage in this meshugas.

I've also spent time looking into the nature of my addiction, including with the help of a therapist. In addition to using it as a relief for stress, and especially stress in my marriage, I'm also seeing it as a fantasy of being 'manly'. Having been bullied as a kid left me feeling weak and unassertive. I learned to fear being myself, as being myself had led to the pain of being bullied and made fun of. Imagining myriad beautiful women desiring me is fantasy of being very manly. (I'm a real man, I look at porn all the time!)