Day 107 ב"ה
Spent 40 minutes journaling to get to a deep level of inner pain. I didn't uncover anything that hasn't been uncovered before, but uncovered what hasn't been uncovered in a while. A deep feeling of being alone and unloved. A feeling that goes back to the distant past of childhood. I'll need to keep going back there daily for a while to stop being in so much pain in my day to day.
Bh still no going on news or youtube. Though I think the thing which was most potent was not going on computer at all till after seder. But I need to be going on now to journal (my hand cramps when i write by hand.) And once I'm on hard not to go on other stuff, GYE, email. I'm not going to get down about it, that won't help anything.
My inner pain holds me back so much. I have had very painful experiences in my life, some just like everyone else and some in more extreme categories. Terrible traumatic events that extended over a long period of time and very much shaped my journey in life. But the inner pain goes back even before those events I think. Growing up in an unhealthy home and not getting what I needed, a mother sometimes depressed and bedridden, an angry father. Left with a sense of loneliness which left me all the more vulnerable for the terrible things later on.
This is the journey Hashem chose for me. But I can't say I like it. Sometimes I feel like it's not fair. I try so hard and come up against this wall. And if it would just be a wall maybe I would be ok with it (i wouldn't) but why does it have to hurt so much.
No wonder I turned to myriad things to escape. Because sometimes I feel like I just can't take it. I feel so vulnerable and like a wind blowing the wrong way can just stir up the emotions in my heart leaving me confounded, hanging on for dear life not to get swept away.
I hope I don't get anyone too down reading this. Maybe someone will read and relate.
Sometimes I feel guilty for struggling so much in life when our ancestors had it so much harder, I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. Like how can I be so down about how I feel when just a few short years ago my worries would be about Nazis ym"sh and Cossacks. (Though to be fair I do live with some constant tension thanks to our cursed cousins the bney yishmael ym"sh.) But this is not true. I didn't choose to be in so much pain, I certainly didn't choose to be in so much physical pain. So what difference does it make if the pain is coming from emotions or from someone outside of me hurting me. I am in pain and I don't want to be.
