I'm reminding myself that nothing is going to change once I hit 90 days be'h. It's helpful to have goals and there's a reason 90 days was chosen as the standard goal on GYE but there's nothing magical about 90 days. I'm not waiting for any magical menuchas hanefesh to descend upon me from heaven once I have 'reached' a certain amount of time. Beh I'll continue posting daily as that's really helped me to keep staying holy as an active thing that I'm doing rather than a passive 'not giving in to urges'.

I want to also remind myself of a few facts 
- There is no need to ejaculate, I will be just fine even if I don't
- Every urge will pass if not obsessed over
- Acting out ALWAYS makes me feel much worse
- I like the person that I am when I'm clean much more than the other guy

Day 82 ב"ה

simchastorah wrote on 23 Jan 2025 06:03:

As usual, very well thought out and verbalized. 

Day 83 ב"ה

Day 84 ב"ה

Having an urge right now. Looked at some pictures from something political which included the attractive wife of the politician. I searched for the politician hoping to see more pictures of the wife. I found. Now I'm turned on.

Really I need to completely and utterly cut out news. And really any non directed use of the computer. Iyh I'll be matzliach in it one day.

simchastorah wrote on 26 Jan 2025 11:59:

Gedolei Yisroel waged war against the television in the 70's and 80's, and they were highly successful in convincing the young generation to start off married life without it in their homes. What was available then was a joke compared to what is available now, however they were adamant that what was being viewed fell under the issur of lo sasuru acharei levavchem v'acharei eyneichem; both in regards to kefira and viewing inappropriate lacks of modesty. So, the Satan arranged that now almost everyone has a "television" in their homes and pockets where "only clips" are seen. Those short clips contain much more kefira and inappropriate sights than the TV back then. Liberal media mocks all that is holy to us and subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) brainwashes society in a G-dless direction - making leitzanus out of our basic yesodos of yiddishkeit, along with continuously lowering the bar as to what is considered respectable and acceptable dress.  Do yourself and your family a big favor and set a standard to use the computer for necessity only. Hatzlocha.

Recognizing an urge and posting about it here, with details, takes Gevura and courage. 
And externalizing the urge is usually helpful. 
This is an impressive accomplishment. 

Don’t focus only on the levels you have yet to achieve without also focusing on where you thankfully are. You’ve accomplished a lot. You’re an impressive person, and you should give yourself credit and compassion. 

Today will be another day of Tahara, building the Oved Hashem that you are further. 
Youll keep striving and Shteiging. 

Hang on. Here’s a warm hand, from an admiring friend. 

Chaim Oigen. 

chaimoigen wrote on 26 Jan 2025 18:07:

Thanks for the kind words.

I was going to raise a bit of a question about the bolded bit, but after rereading I understood it differently, and I think more correctly. You are not saying that one should not evaluate whether his behavior is correct and seek to fix that which is not correct. You're saying that that should be done, but done together with an appreciation of the larger process that one is traversing and the accomplishments which have already been achieved.

If I had to explain why I think that that's a good idea I'd give two reasons.

1) Self criticism can be dangerous. The danger is that I will come to see myself in a negative light. The danger of seeing myself in a negative light is that it a) leads to depression, which spirals into all sorts of bad things and b) causes me to see myself as one for whom the bad behavior is in fact befitting, chipping away at my motivation to stay strong in where I am and all the more so to continue to strive

2) Like the msilas yesharim says, there are two components to the cheshbon hanefesh done regarding behavior and שלא בשעת מעשה. a) recognizing what needs to go, and b) recognizing what must be kept.

But knowing our friend and teacher chaimoigen he has more to add, or a different way to say it, and I'd love to hear it.

Another point for thought when it comes to fixing a negative behavior is this:
Is now the time to fix this behavior? 
And if now is the time to fix this behavior, is this behavior essentially befitting my current madreiga but it's time to strive for the next madreiga? Or is this behavior already now not befitting my current madreiga?

The latter question needs to be more fleshed out. What is 'my madreiga'? There are many components to where one is holding. Bgadol there's my head and there's my heart. Within the head there's more superficial mistakes and deeper mistakes. Within the heart there's how what aspect of the head has managed to make it into the heart. Being mkatzer maybe I'll work on it more later.

simchastorah wrote on 26 Jan 2025 21:43:

I appreciate your kind words, they mean a lot to me. 

I agree wholeheartedly with your presentation of the point I was making, and with your explanation of the reasons why not listening to my point would be a bad idea.  

I would just add an “Aseh Tov” aspect, on top of the “Sur Merah” reasons you’ve articulated so well. 

A Yid has seeds of greatness inside. You certainly do. Not just deep thoughts and realizations. But also Torah outlooks, Hashkafa and goals. And tremendous Sheifos that are sourced in the bottomless wellspring of a Neshoma Elyona. 

You (and everyone one else, certainly including me) also is challenged by parts of a personality that are currently challenged by Katnus Hamochin and חומריות. These, lower aspects of our personality cause conflict and seek to weigh us down, and cause to get stuck and hung up on small or negative things from time to time. 

When the ‘greater’ part of a person is struggling with the ‘petty’ part, it’s important to see and identify with the greatness. Even the greatness that’s still potential.

Here are two ways to think about overcoming an urge and not falling:
“I’m a work in progress, building greatness, getting there step by step. Not all the way there but on my way. I know what my next step is.”
That way of thinking about yourself helps build that goal and it helps unlock those seeds in your Neshoma. 

“I’m a potentially pathetic failure who just barely managed to avoid falling, at least, but shouldn’t have been there in the first place”
That is a message that won’t help unlock those potential seeds of Gadlus. 

Viewing yourself with compassion and positivity doesn’t mean whitewashing over the work that still needs to be done. It means giving approval and appreciation to the special guy who IS doing the work, and recognizing that he is worth caring about, liking, and investing in.  

I think this talks to your follow-up post as well. If you’re busy being harsh on yourself, you may never feel that you’ve done enough, and push yourself too fast too far, with dissatisfaction, and that doesn’t look pretty.

If, however, you can appreciate and approve of yourself where you are today, (while still knowing where you need to get to), you can be comfortable about progressing further, step by step, without dissatisfaction. That leads to more healthy and lasting growth, I think. 

באהבה והוקרה, 
אוהב ימים לראות טוב

Day 85 ב"ה

Thank you chaimoigen the point is well received

Day 86 ב"ה

Day 87 ב"ה

Thanks for this reminder simchashatorah! I'm only one day ahead (depending on your time zone) of you to 90 days, just wanted to share that the 90 days for me has no magic but it is proof to me that after nearly 30 years of addiction, I can break free and be truly clean. I think that's a pretty big miracle, but if Hashem can do it once he can do it again, and I'll give it my very best shot each day.
That's all.
And then I need to make a calendar for 180 days.
Wishing you mazel tov on the upcoming milestone!