Wow it's eye opening to see that someone who's existence I was totally unaware of has been following my thread and gaining chizzuk from it. That really gives me chizzuk to keep posting

simchastorah wrote on 12 Jan 2025 16:12:

There are probably at least dozens. 
That’s not an exaggeration from my experience here. 
Notice how many people are online every time you go on. Your thread is full of cogent thought, deep, meaningful introspection, and real growth. You really have no idea how many fellows you’re impacting by your posting. 

KOT!! 

חיים

i get inspired by the no-frills updates - Day xx
tried to emulate you my thread

chaimoigen wrote on 12 Jan 2025 23:45:

Wow thank you that really encourages me to keep posting

parev wrote on 13 Jan 2025 02:51:

Thank you for sharing this, I appreciate it

Day 71 ב"ה

To be honest, I’ve been thinking on how I could up my game, this thread is frustrating me by showing me that it’s quite simple, (albeit difficult) to take that step.

tzitzis dude wrote on 13 Jan 2025 06:20:

Can you please expound on this? What do you mean by upping your game? How has this thread shown you that it's simple? Why is it difficult?

simchastorah wrote on 13 Jan 2025 07:37:

You ask some doozies, my friend. 

Upping my game? To strengthen myself to want to stay clean and reinforce that I don’t want to fall. To be more honest with myself and to be mindful of pitfalls. 

How did this thread show me that it’s simple? Well, it seems that you’re on a good path, and that your  journey is in a a good, steady place. And how did you get to where you are? By being accountable. By being honest and vulnerable. By keeping up with your original commitment to keep on posting. 

Why is it difficult? Lol. Like is hard if you’re doing it right, changing stinks and my comfort zone is decently cozy. By committing to something as you have, that’s taking a step which my subconscious wants to avoid. Besides for which, deep deep down, I kinda want a way to act out- free of accountability- if the urge “really” strikes. (Krumm, I know. But that’s how my mind works. Welcome to Tzitzis Dude’s World.)
 In addition to all that, by taking the next step, I’m showing myself that I haven’t been doing enough. 

I’d legit love feedback.

tzitzis dude wrote on 14 Jan 2025 00:19:

Thanks for the clear and thought out response.

Firstly, in your "upping my game" definition most if not all of what you describe is not in the category of 'concrete action', but rather in a more abstract middos place. "I want to be a certain way", "I want to want a certain thing." 

I think it's natural and correct for our aspirations to be in the abstract. But the only way to get there is through actions אשר תולדותם זה הענין, preplanned actions which will bring about the desired 'abstract' result.

Coming to the next part, how you see from this thread that it's simple. Here you describe what the action is. 'Being accountable' is abstract. 'Being honest and vulnerable' is abstract. Keeping up with a commitment to keep posting, that's concrete. So we could say that an action which is מוליד the desired result here might be posting daily. In that context the person can try and post in a way which is honest, and posting may bring accountability. But it's all based on the concrete action of posting.

Now I can't fully attribute the gift of the cleanliness of the past few months to the daily posting, but I do agree that it's been a part of it. Hard to measure how important each chelek is.

Regarding the difficulty, like everyone, you have conflicting rtzonos. On the one hand we have noble aspirations like the ones you mentioned, and on the other hand we want to indulge, or we want to be able to protect ourselves from scary feelings in an easy and familiar way - whatever. (wa'eva). And if I'm hearing you right, when you come to try and make plans from the perspective of the noble feelings, the other feelings get in the way. 

I can tell you what helps me with this - thinking about what I want in a more abstract way (abstract -> action -> abstract). Thinking what do I really want in life? Not in the lmaysah level, because on the level of action I am confused already - the actions that I want already include acting out, or trying to impress, or speaking lashon hara, or whatever. But in a pure thought level, without jumping to what will I have to commit to. So for example in your case I could imagine having an internal process like - "I want to be more honest. Why do I want to be more honest? Because that will ensure me a better experience in life in this world and the next. Honesty brings a person to recognize reality as Hashem wants us to, and this brings towards dveikus in Hashem. The true tov is dveikus in Hashem. There is a natural mistake in human beings to pull us away from that good for reasons x y and z, but this is the true good." (wa'eva, the point is a logical thought process that doesn't get involved in action, which addresses whats desirable as well as how what's undesirable comes to appear desirable.) After working on clarifying in a logical way, then to think about an action. Ok - I've clarified that I want a certain abstract tov. Right now, in this moment it's utterly (halevai!) clear to me what I really want. Now I want to commit to a certain action, lets say posting daily. Posting daily will help me bring about that true good. How? _____________. And when the thought about what it will 'take away' from me crops up, I can tell myself "yes, I know that I have mistaken perspectives, and it makes sense that I do. But the true good is like I clarified for myself before." 

I hope this is helpful to you, if something about what I said is not clear please let me know.

Day 72 ב"ה הנני בא אליך בעב הענן

tzitzis dude wrote on 14 Jan 2025 00:19:

Dear Brother TD,
Unless I misunderstand this final comment, I hear you (about feeling that way) but have to disagree with that mindset. Doing more does not mean you haven't been doing enough. We have inherent limited capacity. It takes time to grow. We almost always do it in steps. Like training for a marathon, you need to commit, to exercise, and push yourself a little more at intervals to expand your abilities, but you can't shortcut to the end, and trying to is likely to result in injury and setbacks. The battle with the Yezter Hara is mostly fought along a line, and territory is conquered by advancing one step at a time.

Continued Hatzlacha my Friend.

Day 73 ב"ה

simchastorah wrote on 15 Jan 2025 05:34:

גל על ה׳ דרכיך 

Day 74 ב"ה