Someone close to me who is in NA told me that something he sees in people in NA who have been clean for a long time is the ability to have relationships with family member which had previously been toxic; to have real relationships where they open themselves up to being able to receive what good they can from the 'dangerous' other party - empathy, support, love, while at the same time not letting them hurt them. I found that to be a big chiddush, I have always looked at it as either I let you in, in which case I have to take your עוקץ with the דבש, or I don't let you in, but I through at the baby with the bath-עוקץ.
But this shows that there is another way to relate to people. I think part of it is that you're seeing the good parts of the relationship as an expression of who they really are, as if he is the person I am actually having a relationship with, while looking at the bad as being an expression of something which is not essentially them, eg they are acting out a sickness inside of them which is not in line with their true ratzon.
This relates to the topic we discussed previously of how do I look at the bad within me, is it me, or is it something within me that I can to some degree dissociate with. It seems that somehow the people who master recovery in the context of the 12 steps learn a healthy way of self awareness, which allows them to also relate in a much more beneficial way to other people. Or maybe the other way around. Not really sure, but I think it's amazing that such a thing exists and I hope to learn to do that. Then it wouldn't have to be so scary for me to admit things like "it makes me feel good when others support me" because I wouldn't feel that I was endangering myself by doing so.
