simchastorah wrote on 22 Nov 2024 06:00:

Keep climbing, friend!
20 is a powerful milestone. 

Your succinct summery of what I wrote in my post is pretty accurate, but I want to accentuate an important point.

It’s not enough to identify the source of the problem. You then have to be willing to work on the source of the problem. And/or willing to work on learning different ways to deal with the problem, rather than resorting to using the drug of lust. Identifying triggers as triggers can be somewhat helpful for avoidance and making a plan. But solving the problem - long term - will require you to change

Just because I think that a lot of guys don’t need SA doesn’t mean that I think all they need is chizzuk and accountability. There’s a lot more that goes into lasting change and recovery.

Here is some of what goes into it, some of what I’ve learned here (that I didn’t write about in my last post):

Learning to break out of the prison of shame and self-loathing. (Friend can help with this). 
Admitting your flaws and weaknesses while still finding the courage to hope and believe in your inner core of goodness, and in your ability to change and grow.  
Harnessing the power of reaching out to friends for support,
Learning new ways to cope.
And of course, learning new ways to think about pleasure, sex, marriage, and love.
Learning to put all those new ideas into practice.
And more. 

GYE is a miraculous, magical place where we can discover the hope of becoming new and different.

Change is possible. And within grasp. Different folks find different things that work for them, but any way it happens, it’s our ability to make choices and change that is the greatest Bracha.  

Day 21 b'h

Day 22 BH

Feeling an urge for the first time since I started posting again. My morning seder didn't go so well this morning, partly because I didn't shower this morning and my clothes were disheveled and I felt gross. I left seder a bit early to go shower. this has me feeling a bit out of sorts now and not with the feeling of being "full" that I rely on learning for. 

simchastorah wrote on 25 Nov 2024 11:07:

I understand exactly what you mean. 

I was there many times. dont let your brain fool you into going to old habits because its looking for some comfort, rather try to find something kosher that you enjoy doing and indulge in that for a bit to get yourself into a good place. 

Exercise always does it for me. 

chancy wrote on 25 Nov 2024 18:44:

Much appreciated

Day 23 BH

Day 24 BH

Had a dream last night that I fell and viewed p*. Interestingly the material that I viewed was of a type that I would never actually be interested in viewing in real life, stuff that I would actually find repulsive. Even in the dream I found it repulsive. Not sure what it all means, וכל החלומות הולכים אחר הפה.

חלמא טבא חזת

Here’s my take- 
As you progress and the work you are doing penetrates beyond the surface, it’s normal to be worried that it won’t last, and you’re subconsciously also struggling with letting go of the “security blanket” that you’ve used in the past… worries that you’ll fall, that you want to, that you don’t want to and the inherent repulsive feeling you have about the whole thing can express itself in dreams like this. I had them (a while ago) and I woke up with such relief that it was just a dream... My take is that it means you’re doing the work.
Either way, don’t pay it too much attention and keep doing what you’re doibg

Heres a warm hand, 
Chaim  

chaimoigen wrote on 27 Nov 2024 11:42:

Your explanation is 100% accurate. One slight correction to your advice: Don't pay it ANY attention..... (Except to accept the mazel tovs on seeing that your subconscious is apparently "announcing" that it is afraid you have consciously stopped these behaviors.)

Day 25 ב"ה

Day 26 ב"ה

Day 27 ב"ה

Gmatria zach - PURE!!

Day 28 ב"ה



Feeling desirous this morning. I think it's because for the last few work days I've been listening to content which although not pornographic or erotic is unclean and references sex in unclean ways as well as being filled with bad language. I asked myself this morning why am I struggling and I don't think it's because of any hidden emotional turbulence, I think it's just plain old exposure to tumaa ומצא מין את מינו וניעור.



It's also ליל טבילה tonight (last time of היתר ended up being very short) so I know in the back of my mind that sex is be'h coming and this also makes me feel more 'tingly'.



I also tend to have my eyes focused on the long road ahead rather than the current moment, exactly the opposite of one day at a time. It's a personality trait that I have in general. When I open a gemara it's an internal struggle to focus on what's in front of me and not be thinking how long till I finish the daf, how long till I finish the maseches etc. Exactly what the gra in mishlei says you're not supposed to be thinking. It's a focus on the מועיל without being able to appreciate the טוב that's here right now, it's being tuned in to a more superficial type of טוב, an accomplishment rather that a חיים, a גוף rather than a נשמה.



והעיקר לא לפחד כלל, to look down at the bridge, put my feet one foot in front of the other, to appreciate this moment of קדושה where I can call out to ה באמת without the מחיצת הברזל of the strong images that get etched in my mind like iron when I c'v act out, to sit with the holy gemara and appreciate what's being said right now "אמר אביי אמר אביי" without worrying about "how great I'm gonna be" once I know this sugya too, but instead to open up my heart to enjoy the אור that's shining out of the תורה rather than craning my neck like a טיפש to see what comes after the אור. 



Stop craning your neck simchastorah you טיפש! The אור is already here!