I was reading an old post that I got Chizzuk and food for thought out of. I thought I’d share some of it with you…
First of all WELCOME to our community! It's great to have you with us.
Reading your posts, I had a few thoughts...
pischoshelmachat wrote:
I started my 90 day journey last Shabbos and it feels great so far. I know that I will walk into an ambush any time and I daven that with my little hishtadlus in joining this wonderful community of GYE and with the chizuk from my new partner, I will be able to pass my first test.
From your next post, it seems you passed your first test B"H
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pischoshelmachat wrote:
I am now almost 46 and I so badly want to be mesaken this while I am still in the young years so that my Teshuvah can be complete.
Hoping for a complete teshuva is a noble goal. You do not spell out what "the horrible things I did" are, but if you are an addict, the goal of "recovery" and "progressive freedom from lust" (or something like that) are both more realistic and more healthy. We have all been on the teshuva, nefila, teshuva roller coaster. It gets us nowhere. It just goes round and round and round. It sounds like you are familiar with the ride like the rest of us.
pischoshelmachat wrote:
I don't like to talk or even think about what I have done in the past because it is too painful for me to face the horrible things that I did that are so not who I really am. I want this to be the beginning of my new life that is Tocho K'Baro.
Yes, it is painful to face those things in the past, and I don't recommend wallowing in them, but facing them will help you move on. I shared my story with a few safe people and it helped me to accept myself as I am. It ultimately helped me to move on. You say "that are so not who I really am". Well, who did those maasim? You did them - right?
I am not trying to be mean. I have been there, and had the same thoughts. I wanted to be perfect, but it is hard to feel perfect when you are doing things you know are wrong, and can't stop! I had to let go of those feelings of trying to be perfect/kaddosh and accept who I was. Trying to be perfect/kaddosh was part of the problem for me. It created stress. Which led me to my stress reliever...
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/blush.png)
which led to feelings of guilt... which is stressful.... which led to my stress releiver
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/blush.png)
... and so the roller coaster went round and round. I learned that my problem, was not that I was doing issurim. My problem was living life. My "solution" to the problem, was doing devarim assurim.
I had periods of sobriety, but they didn't last, they had no foundation. I had to first accept myself, warts and all, before I could move on. I had to do as dov says "get off the 18 wheeler and on to a trycycle". Let go of the inflated expectations and face reality. Speaking to someone in person really makes reality hit. We need is to live in reality, not fantasy.
I tried to convey some things I have learned. Many of them, I have learned from Dov…
I wish you hatzlacha rabbah! We are all in this together.