I don't understand why GYE doesn't disable the karma feature.

It's completely useless, and only causes problems.

It's a classic social media type of feature like Facebook's Like Button, etc. It makes things addictive and people start gauging their entire self worth based on how many likes they get.

GYE, please disable the karma feature!

(maybe if this post gets a lot of thank yous (which I obsess endlessly about) they will listen)

Gave you a positive to boost you to exactly zero. Some people call it parev. Others call it the derech mmutza. Either way, the middle of the road is a good place to be.

Bennyh wrote on 16 May 2024 17:43:

Why isn't there an ANTI Thank-You option????

chooseurname wrote on 16 May 2024 17:44:

And I always thought you were one of my fans....

went to the pool last night with my wife, will not go into detail for fear of to much positive karma from foes.
BH was a lustless experience with surrender as applicable.
Wife promised intimacy when we got home, which we all know what that means... she fell asleep as I went to maariv...
BH i'm used to surrendering and have learnt that expectations=disappointments, so have learnt not to xpect anything and it was ok 
as still a cuddly night and didn't feel rejected, she was poshut knocked out...
Also summarizing the week I spoke to my sponsor every night, and made one or 2 phone calls. 
Checking in here has done wonders too.

MS Check in:
Had a nice shabbos, had a shorter intimacy experience than wanted coz of wife's preferences and was OK with that!
shabbos day felt demanded from wife to help more with the kids so she could shluf [after I did the morning plus after the seuda etc....,[
t times like this, after intimacy it's so much easier to help her, not bc of the release but bc then I feel that she is doing something for me also and not just demanding, also if she doesn't want intimacy then there is a resentment that is a trigger.
don't feel too bad about having it, esp that the main thing I wanted was that she agreed...
(Anyone who has something constructive to say can do so publicly, if you have something critical to say you can do so privately.)
Anyway did the kids while trying to learn and swept up and helped MS even though I checked the news first and am writing this instead of going to bed together  - Im not perfect...

I want to make up something critical and send it to you but the message page is not loading, sorry. 

noticing that I've been noticing female body parts esp the breast area, don't know what to make of it except that i haven't done a total surrender.
Similarly i may see a more modernly woman dressed from a far and it will trigger a switch in my brain, hey there are girls that want my attention etc. if i don't surrender this now I know that in a flash Ill be back out there. I can not tolerate even a little bit of this headspace...
this prompted me to realize that the following note could greet me on my front door anyday:

Dear _____ [Parev bala''az]

I know we had a great marriage, lots of fun and cherished moments together and I was proud and lucky to be married to you.
However you have cheated on me not once nor twice but multiple times in ways i am horrified, you have broken all trust and I just can't stay married to you anymore. I know it was a disease and you didn't wilfully cheat on me, and you are supposedly doing well in SA but after alot of thinking and consultation, I just can't stay in the marriage anymore.
The 6 beautiful kids we have are largely a result of the non stop sex you wanted, and I love them dearly but I will not be taking them with me,
I will finish the pregnancy on my own and will nurse for six months after which I will send it your way for further upbringing.
We shall meet at simchas and perhaps on occasion will be in the mood to have sex or hang out together
I will let you know, but please don't contact me in any way shape or form.
All the best and hatzlacha.
____________
This is a manifestation of my step 1
HELP!!!!!!!

Last night when I finally got to bed I knew that if I undress fully i would be triggered and felt bad to be like that as a) we had been together already on shabbos b) she went to bed by herself and she really wanted to go together, so I kept my underwears on. In the morning I apologised and she said that for her its the same...
for me it mamish is not, i felt like there is a mechitza in between us, but I need unconditional and total surrender so have to be prepared to do that more often...

Bennyh wrote on 16 May 2024 17:43:

I couldn't help but give you a karma for that one!

Bringing it to the Light kills lust
Don't know what the trigger is but have this drive to go act out. simplest would be contacting the woman I met b4, if not can go to tel aviv...
As a opportunist - I never say no to opportunity [and it has served me well in life - jumping in to projects that no-one thought would succeed, pulling f events and the like, buying a house and a car, things my more conservative friends don't own...
I think its the fantasy of the availability of it [something trigged me yesterday to 'make me realize' how easy it is to act out]
I shared with a friend, but as I type this I realize that those opportunities will be there for me tomorrow too, and just for today I can give it up!
I feel I could do with a boost of rehab again
Already feel better BH
Back to seder!!

Friend Parev,

Your honest and gritty of the daily struggling is inspiring. My relative in NA calls is "life-ing".
Thank you. 

Finding the place between what we need to do for ourselves to keep in the right zone, and what we need to do for our wives, to give them what they need, sometimes takes on the contortions of a man trying desperately to stay balanced on the high-wire.

I find it inspiring how you relate to your strength as a man who can seize opportunity while also recognizing that its the same strength that presents challenges, too. 

  Thanks!
Chaim

Nice to be inspiring others and thanx for those warm words.
the rest of the day went uneventful except that i now realize that looking at women is just an opportunity to fantasize and i aint doing that anymore...
signed up for the upcoming day of recovery in beit shemesh iyh

I now understand why תלמידי חכמים עונתם מליל שבת עד ליל שבת .
On the one hand its great to have a wife willing to go to bed herself all week so that I can learn and be marbitz tora, however the mornings are that bit harder when after spending the night together I want intimacy, I'm grateful she doesn't want then in the morning rush since I don't think I would have the courage to abstain on my own. However being in the category of a talmid chochom it's not easy on my part either, but hey BH I'm happy this way.
A couple of years back I never would have known this is possible...
Surrendering lust in the streets for me is have a consciousness of fully giving up the right to act out, and then women aren't triggers for me anymore.
My sponsor says that going to rehab is just trying to blame my sobriety on others, and I need to care of my sobriety myself, no personal opinion, ועשית ככל אשר יורוך!

If anyone feels that this thread should be moved to the BB forum please let the moderators know. I am conscious of what I write due to the sensitivity for the bochurim here, I posted in the place I thought most appropriate, however un the BB forum I could write more freely. [Maybe some wan tme to be restricted in what I can write... :) ]

My Karma has been fluctuating far to much in both directions lately....

I opted not to take the light rail, and that gave me thinking time [esp as I saw 2 girls that I thought may be a possibility to flirt with] and I internalized that I get triggered by opportunities that land my way, however I also realized that these opportunities are not once in a lifetime, I can go to the beach anyday, I can travel the light rail the whole time I can find someone to act out with when ever I should want [Ha Ha]
It took away 99% of the trigger and it made it so much easier to surrender.
I also internalized that probably 98% of the females dressed scantily [including the frum ones dressing more triggering thn a bas yisroel should dress] are NOT doing so to lure flirting etc. It is not an invitation for lust or anything else. They are dressed like that for a number of other reasons.
Good to remind myself that.

Thanx for letting me share!

Figured I’d share an experience I had that may help you, R’ Parev.
I used to give kiruv classes in NYC on a weekly basis to not-yet-frum male & female university students. The girls were scantily dressed (this was at a time where I was actually able to control myself from looking) and some boys would try to hit on them and the girls would hit back saying “ewww, get away!!!”
’twas clear it was bigeder look but don’t touch (big basis for the #me too movement). This from girls who had boyfriends they were sleeping with!

So definitely, if you see scantily dressed girls, they’re not there to be your lunch!

Have a great day and KOMT!

Muttel