I think I was subconsciously sturggling with it a bit more today and said I would get it over with now that I have time I'll put other stuff off like I usually do and go end it and then regret it and start the cycle over again I think that's what I said to myself in my head.

so I guess here I am still in the cycle of that game.

and I have made a fool of myself.

I am putting a lot of pressure on myself.

and I have been giving thought to how I can chain the days together.

and I think a big roadblock is the pressure I will be putting on myself with each day that I don't want to bare. It's going to increase with each day I succeed.

and it makes one want to give in.

I also see that a lot of people who have long steaks usually end them with a slow subconscious start that of seeing stuff then giving in and slowly saying well I already gave up this much ground and slowly give up the rest... untill it's over and they are filled with fear because they were not able to control that slippery slope.

from an outside point of view I would say that they built up pressure with each day forgetting the story line of 1 day at a time but it's hard not to when you start to have long stretches of success.

and then that defeat seems to crush them.

so here I am wondering how to avoid the slow subconscious slippery slope mindset because it seems to creep up up on you and I don't see a way to prevent it.

and also just like now I see myself with this simple loop of telling myself I will end my streak after a few days even if I succeeded more then normal by a little bit knowing it will crush me and I will feel all the pain and regret then I'll tell myself to pick up and try again starting it over.

 and the one thing I see in all this is my subconscious playing me for a fool.

Do you read The Battle of the Generation daily? Maybe that would help turn around your thought processes to be positive and stronger?

I only found out about it recently. funnily enough I actually downloaded the PDF today a little bit after posting this and I read the introduction so I think I will now.

Hello 

One comment: Don't forget where you are... You've been in this cycle for weeks...Months... Years? Its very easy to be hard on yourself.. 
Real growth is: Knowing where you are... Do you think its ok where you are right now? I think youre doing amazing. You're being honest and I promise you that this will create the base you are looking for.. The details are not the deal breaker.

Warmly 
Avrom

On a side note: Do you have a friend that you could be open with? Its great to have someone in your real life that you could share your struggles with... You will see that youre a great person - even though you have struggles..

Thank you for your kind words.

And to answer your question about friends: not really although I do talk with my rabbis occasionally for advice.

Make a list of things to do each day, even each hour.



Stick to it. 



If these are positive tasks. ie. check diary, clean kitchen, study Torah etc then it can help keep you clean.



Do not be hard on yourself if you do not complete every task every day.

Events happen in life to interrupt plans.

Or you might simply be tired and need to sleep.







 

Youre welcome! For me it was a game changer to meet and talk to "real people". Of course only when you are ready...  I used to have a GYE group that met every week.. and I got very close to some of the Chevra.

You would'nt believe that some in our guys was a Rosh-Kollel and another was someone that was the baal Tefilah in a big Shul for Yom Kippur  

Moral of the story: We are great people and even if we have struggles - and perhaps... because we have struggles. If not, Hashem could have just created Malachim istead of us pleasure-hungry-people.

Avrom wrote on 14 Dec 2023 09:42:

For me it was a game changer to meet and talk to "real people". Of course only when you are ready...  I used to have a GYE group that met every other day.. and I got very close to some of the Chevra.

You would'nt believe that some in our guys was a Rosh-Kollel and another was someone that was the baal Tefilah in a big Shul for Yom Kippur  

Moral of the story: We are good people and even if we have struggles - and perhaps... because we have struggles. If not, Hashem could have just created Malachim istead of us pleasure-hungry-people.

Godspeed