Adam2014, great news! I fully agree that changing the setup in the office can have an impact. Hopefully you will be ready and utilize the opportunity. 

About bringing thedevice, I heard from the Magid of Dubno, a big Torah Scholar from around 300 years ago, that there is a strength and benefit in facing down challenges instead of running away. Making yourself stronger in the face of great challenges ...

As you read the BotG, I think he speaks alot about this victory mentality vs. Victim mentality. But there is also a halacha about not putting yourself into a place of spiritual challenges. 

adam2014 wrote on 30 Dec 2023 12:07:

Your attitude is amazing!

adam2014 wrote on 30 Dec 2023 12:07:

wow your really amazing!

keep us updated

I know that succeeding in this challenge would be fulfilling, but I am wondering what are the odds of actually winning this challenge? I seem to be going back and forth on whether or not it is a good idea to try it. I am a big "Life Experiment " guy. I will do 30 day challenges all the time, some silly, some meaningful. I recently did a "No Buy" month... I did not spend a penny on anything other than the absolute necessities of life, basically food.. It told a lot about me and I have changed my spending patterns significantly.

I would LOVE to do a 30 day "clean" experiment... and I am trying to get there, but nowhere near that yet... but I will get there!

I am getting ready for my "Shabbat Challenge." I still have not decided whether or not I will take the Laptop; I am still leaning towards bringing it. In my life, I have done better under added pressure. I need that surge of excitement that comes with beating that challenge. The weather seems like it is going to cooperate. Cold and clear! I have my bags packed and itching to get out there. 

The one thing that has occurred this week is my Davening and motivation to learn has taken a hit. I am not feeling the desire to pray and learn, and the books that I am taking with me are NOT religious sefers. I am not sure why that is. Is the YH setting me up for an attack, or could it just be that I am focusing all my energy on this weekend? It has been a burden to even wrap tefillin in the morning, my Chavrusa yesterday told me that I was "not all there". Wednesday is a big learning day for me. I have my main chavrusa from Israel in the morning for two hours and then an hour with my Chabbaf Rabbi in the afternoon. Maybe it is just the ebb and flow of life. 

I have spoken to the people at the farm, and they said that I could come anytime on Friday. They also invited me to feed the animals on Friday afternoon and help with the chores around the farm. This is going to be a 180-degree reversal of my life. It will be the reset that I need. I am currently three days clean and feeling good. 

I will shut down all electronic devices tonight and keep them off until Monday morning, and the first thing that I will do is check in with you guys!

Whether it turns out that the weekend is a huge success or a total failure, I am so thankful that you guys will be there for me regardless. 

adam2014 wrote on 04 Jan 2024 11:59:

wishing you much hatzlocha.  enjoy the change of pace! 

Back From the Farm!!

I am happy to report that the weekend was a total success. I ultimately took my laptop and left it in the car. I didn't have a single urge to get it. I was clean, I was content, I was tired (living on a farm is TOUGH). I had time alone with HaShem. I studied the Parsha like never before. I read BOTG at length.  The YH didn't find his way to the farm! He never made an appearance. 

I know that living on a farm is not a reality, and I know the excitement of the experience will wear off quickly. While I am now on my longest streak EVER, today is the most dangerous day of all. I feel great, energized, full of optimism and hope. This is the time the YH could strike... I have to learn to feel good AND be prepared at all times. I am not going to let my guard down.

For you guys who have had these long streaks, it must be so rewarding, and I am sure that you never take them for granted. I am feeling a freedom like never before. I am getting a small taste of what life can be like without P and M. I am on Day 8, nothing earth-shattering, but for me, this is uncharted territory. I am looking forward to the day, the week, the month, and the year for the first time in a very long time.

I do not want to overstate the fact that the problem isn't solved and many dark days may lie ahead, but this weekend was a significant victory in this battle for my soul. I will enjoy it for a moment and then get ready to get back into the fight and continue my journey.

Thanks for giving me a vehicle to express my feelings, this makes this victory even sweeter.

Back on the farm, the horses are neighing, the cows are mooing, the sheep are baahing - total celebration for the Adam HaShalem! The farm has not had such simcha in years!

The first day back in reality went great. I spent the day in the "real" world at my office with all the problems we see daily on the street, and I handled it like a champion. I Had a productive day at work, focused and alert.  I know the YH is lurking around every corner, and hopefully, I will be ready, but as of today... I am GOOD!

I know that its weird since we dont know each other, but, im proud of you! 
This is the stuff we yiden are made of! Nobody can understand ho we are still around after thousands of years and so much suffering, this is how!
Hashem gives us supernatural powers that nobody but us can understand. 

So Keep up the good work and make Hashem proud!

Thank You so much.... I feel the same about all of you guys.... You are all "Brothers from different Mothers"! I mean that in the truest sense. When something good or bad happens to me, the first thing I think of is, "Go on GYE and tell everyone." I believe there is a collective gene or something in Yidem that has sustained us over the millennia.

Reaching Day 10 for the first time. Uncharted territory for me. I can honestly say that the last time I went ten days without P and M was over 40 years ago. I am talking literally 40-plus years.... I have to say that I am feeling amazing in almost all ways except one. I am struggling religiously; my focus is on staying clean and not on Davening. I am not going to worry about it at this point. HaShem got me to this point; he understands what I am going through.  I am sure that the drastic change in me has altered my thinking. 

While I am not Davening with much focus and attention, I am not looking at porn and at women on the streets with more vigor than ever before. I am spending less time on the internet and more with my wife. I am seeing the world through a different lens right now. 

I have not missed a day of Tefillin in years; I have had the same routine for decades. Unfortunately, part of my daily routine was also P and M. I have a new office set-up, a 10-day streak going, and a clearer head. It will just take some time for the religious part of my life to catch up. I am wondering, Did anyone else have this struggle as they were getting clean? 

I am still remaining 100% focused on my recovery. I know that I am anything but safe from the YH.... He must be pissed that I have gotten to this point!! LOL

Very normal and expected temporary side effect. Don't worry or obsess about it.  Keep doing what you are doing tzaddik - and be proud.

I can very much relate to having other religious things "calm down" while fighting this fight. But considering that rewiring my brain takes a lot of time, energy, focus, and thought, i think its understandable that we could lack the energy to fight a second battle. If we were meant to be perfect, then hell would have a waiting list, and heaven would have only 7 people. But we are meant to grow where we can, slowly building ourselves up one challenge at a time, from where we are holding. As the gemora says "tofasta meruba lo tofasta" -he who grabs too much grabs nothing. 

OMG for sure!