Hi. I wrote many times about my struggles of acting out and watching porn. I have a filter but I request certain apps, where I can watch clips I’m not supposed to. I feel devoid from pleasure especially when symptoms of depression or anxiety get bad. I’m working with a professional on this issue and since I see heimish therapist (a catch nowadays), I talk about the Kedusha problem too. I feel it’s not enough despite the chizuk he gives me.

at this point in my life, it would be very hard and don’t want to, get rid of phone! Internet in pc is much better controlled and less possibility to hack. I can ask for access to Reddit, let’s say but they filter it.

got too many issues and losing it big time!

Hi my friend! You seem to be doing the right thing, talking to a therapist about this. Hashem should give you strength to keep fighting, until you find peace with the person you find when you look deep inside. Stick around and keep trucking!

ccb45 wrote on 18 May 2023 22:01:

Can I ask what company filter you have? I too have a filter than can allow many apps that I've had issues with, especially the one you mentioned (can you please edit your post and remove the app name so as not to give anyone ideas?). What I've done was ask them to put a note on my account saying that even if requested it should never be allowed.

Also, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, the filter is vital but that can't be your entire game plan.

hi ccb45

if you read enough on the forums, you'll see many people who were convinced they cannot stop but bh have come a long way.
hopefully w the right mindset and game plan that will be true about you (and me) as well.
im sure it can besignificantly harder 'when symptoms of depression or anxiety get bad', you're lucky to have a good frum therapist you're happy with.

regarding the app you mentioned (taking note of grant's sensitivity i wont mention the name), it can be a real killer. for one, you can convince yourself that you're not going there for trouble, (its not an official porn site ya know) and even when your not ready to 'officially' watch porn, you can think that you're going there for kosher(ish) entertainment. so its kinda like a gateway site so to say. another point that i think, is that porn sites have a certain distance to them, like it isn't real life and isn't shayich to me. less so the app you mentioned.

First of all, I apologize for saying the app name in public. I'll be more careful in the future. When I contacted Gentech and told them to block certain apps, I didn't have reasons to ask for them again (like special browsers, dating, and others that fall in the same category: useful mostly for shmuz and gossip, for instance). I use social media (they are getting stricter never mind), for many other things that I have questions about that are extremely helpful and beneficial. I hate mentioning, but everyone knows Facebook, correct? I'm joined with multiple boards that would throw me out if I did something even remotely stupid (even a insensitive comment!). Those groups are helpful for people like me and I use them extensively, so much with messenger too. I never used Whatsapp for anything but kosher stuff so no problem there and so a re most of my apps. I do have youtube and that's problematic. I acknowledge that much of what I said are excuses but much can be said for a need of use.

A note about many filter companies if you don't know yet: A website, even on phone can be filtered very well but an App, once they allow it, they cannot control it (for the most part). So, with the example of the mention forbidden app, if I just told them to block it and maybe added a note not to allow if asked, I could still technically use on PC or maybe iPhone browser (and I do use it extensively for good things), while having it filtered. So I'm definitely on having an app that I can use the same info on a browser and ask to disallow and not allow even if asked. 

Just an interesting story how one gets focused only on the idea of shmutz and not the other ideas people bring up in the forums: Time wasting, loshon horah, oynuas devarim, sheker, letzonus, bitul torah, family destruction (due to over consumption and overuse), malig al divrei chachamim, and ultimately (r"l), kfirah, which is mamash avodah zorah. I once had an account with a social app (not going to say the name, but way worse than the others, in my opinion), where I viewed "daily", people making fun of torah and rabannim. The worst drek of society is on it. My story was on this platform where I got incensed at someone that spoke so evil about torah, that I shamed him on the platform. Think about it -Millions of subscribers have seen me and the people knew who I was-, I shamed a person berabim. I knew the person so I wanted to ask mechilah but he would block all access from me to him! It took mediators to finally allow me to start the process of mechilah. B"H, I think and feel he forgave me. This is a sin that Yom Kippur is not mechaper. I then anf there closed my account, called Gentech to remove access to the app and to browser, both on my pc account and phone!

I was shocked how just usage of a social media app without believing with their stupid claims against our community (I actually fought with them on many; didn't make a difference, of course), could bring me to such an aveirah. I realized that the internet is way more than just the shmutz, and possibly the other stuff. Just a mere bad offensive word can cost you olam habbah. Just something else to be concerned on smartphones. I agree that it's much easier to refrain from SM that actual p sites and the like but the Yeter will find a way to really botch you up! As much as I wanted to see some links to that platform, I'm happy I cannot: they also have bad clips btw.

I agree, I can do better than I'm doing with technology but there's tension going on in me and (I feel), valid concerns and reservations about assuring phones in it's entirety and maybe even the lack of focus on holistic approach. Anytime we focus too much on ONE thing, everything else loses focus. Learning more torah, learning sifrei musser or chassidus, helping people get a life, helping people with problems that take away their happiness, and much more, is the holistic version of yiddishkeit I'm used to and what my rabbeim of yore have preached!

I hope the war against technology works, seriously but I don't see the solution focusing on one thing. Take the issur on videos, for example! Anyone remember the Shevet Haleivi and most rabbanim assuring it? Seems like that got lost in the pile due to the bigger focus on internet. The internet issue got cooler due to the smartphone issue. And, I'm afraid to say, AI will make the smartphone issue a joke! I know certain things (I cannot say on this forum), where there will be an impossibility to stop AI in it's track other than making an issur, which will be very hard to enforce. I HONESTLY thought that nothing can be more advanced and "possibly" more destructive than a smartphone! I'm proven wrong!!! Rebbe Elimelech said, We will need to hold onto the tree and not get blown away by the wind. This will only happen with a holistic, real, and sincere deep look into ourselves and who we are and who we want to be. Most rabannim today do not focus on the idea of contemplation and asking oneself deep questions of who he is and why we we're even needed on this world! Basics!!!

ccb45 wrote on 19 May 2023 01:35:

Very well written and fantastic theory/philosophy אבער צום פועל האט עס נישט!

When you critic (not offended) another person’s theory with a one liner, it’s appropriate and proper edict to explain yourself! I didn’t rant to farenfer myself and don’t need the validation. Obviously this post was not for help seeking: it was just some thought and observation! When someone come with logic and another comes with commands, it shows “possible” bias or a total non understanding of the issues. I did emphasize that we need to be careful on internet and even offered critic to myself, and I meant it. The fact that I showed problems with restraint is also something I’m concerned about at a global level because I don’t consider myself Meshugah or an outright rosho. Yes, I have issues that can cause or trigger this behavior; yes, I cannot use this as an excuse, but do you think there aren’t hundreds or more people in the same category? It’s looking with one eye at a situation and assuming that since so many people on GYE got rid of smartphones, everyone did. GYE still has a small percentage of yidden that suffer and you know nothing about the sentiments many people show or hide regarding restrictions.

Reiterating: Can you please explain your comment or position?

ccb45 wrote on 19 May 2023 16:03:

My point is that pontificating helps no one, especially one's own self. We often hide behind important causes and philosophies instead of just taking action.
It's all a matter of priority. Is my smartphone more important? or my functional life? 
I can't have both and it doesn't matter how many other people are dealing with the same thing so I need to decide where my priorities are. 
Seems to me that most people on here, you included have found themselves at a similar crossroads. 

You definitely have a point but you are missing something that I’m pondering:

Why is it that ehrliche yidden, and I mean real yirei hashem , have problems with giving up smartphones despite the ruling of gedolei Yisroel: not talking about those without filters.

I know ehliche yidden personally that would never even think of circumventing a ruling from their Rov or dayan (I mean: diyuk in kashrus on a high level, eiruv, videos, tznious without compromise, etc…), and also revere them personally!

What, all of the sudden happened with smartphones/internet? Why the “so called” rebellion? Non adherence? I’ve heard valid concerns and they want the best filters and are upset; for example, the requirement to have flip phones with them and use tablets! They can get the same kehilla filter on phone but kehilla wants to force them to oblige by their inflexible demand of tablet! So instead of giving people the option to filter their phones correctly, we demand tablets and those with smartphones lose out! I know other concerns from ehrliche yidden (that are medskdek kalah kachmura), with all commandments! You could answer that with this yetzer its different but not everyone buys a phone for teivah and MANY had their phones way before it was ossered, so with internet! People depend on them and instead of finding ways to strengthen the walls, we try to ban! Read Karlin Rebbe’s look at this! Read it without bias, despite him being a minority in his belief!

ccb45 wrote on 19 May 2023 17:09:

I have my theories on this as well. And I think they are not that far off from yours. My point, however, is that I don't see how it will help me deal with my addiction in any way.

You possibly mean even filters? If so, I agree with that. 1. You cannot close ALL the holes; 2. Addiction doesn't go away automatically, when throwing away phones and even filtering! I don't like to give ideas!; 3. Acting out was a problem I started way back before there was internet! Shmiras einayim was the problem and I acted out daily. I felt miserable and guess what: It wasn't addressed and nobody cared when a bochur all of the sudden becomes depressed and doesn't serve hashem with the same vigor due to lack of simcha. I have an axe to grind but I still "try" to think that I'm responsible for my actions! But, please let's not think we're totally free from the addictions, especially acting out!

Just to let you know, we all have these problems and we all struggle on this world with exactly this issue for the rest of our lives. Hashem has nachas ruach to see how we fight to keep his Torah an Mitzvot despite how hard it is. It's so vital to hear messages from maggidim from youre and today that clarify how we fool ourselves into thinking that we "should've" gotten rid of these problems!

All the best,

Gut Shabbos and Simchas Hachaim