Going through a stressful time right now, waiting to hear back about a job position that will double my salary, and the process is dragging on and on. I’m currently at a dead end job that I have no motivation for and I show up each day and just waste time. As a result I really feel like breaking my current 175 day clean streak and getting my filter turned off so I can act out. I keep coming very close to turning it off and then keep reminding myself that I need Zechusim in this limbo state, and that I’m going to feel really horrible after I act out, and so far I’ve restrained. I don’t know how much longer I can hold out. 

KiviYVY wrote on 19 Apr 2023 17:46:

First of all, wishing you success in that new job working out. I hope it's also something that will give you sipuk besides the income... 
Stress is a killer. How about going for a jog or calling a good old friend for a distracting phone conversation? 
Remember that every second that you're staying clean is achieving  true greatness in this world and the next. 
Please stay strong!  

KiviYVY wrote on 19 Apr 2023 17:46:

Sounds super tough! You only need to hold out 5 more minutes, then 5 minutes more. Try to focus on short intervals instead of wondering if you'll be able to make it through the day, week or month.

Very important too, try not to white knuckle. Just relax and move on.

Hatzlacha!

KiviYVY wrote on 19 Apr 2023 17:46:

It sounds rough right now. I hope it works out. I definitely relate to the work thing.

As for the filter and stuff. Just for today, just for now, Just for five minutes. 

I am not a fan of thinking how I would feel afterwards, because then my thought process is having already done it. (Just my experience) 

Hatzlacha! 

Thanks guys. All of your advice, especially your time and consideration, are helpful. The most helpful thing is speaking this out and not keeping it in my head. That really helps me move past it. 

I would feel much better if I could pick myself up to do something productive. My mind is beating myself up for wasting all this time, and telling me that maybe this job opportunity won’t work out and I’ll remain as shlep with a dead-end job. You all picked up on how rough it is to be in limbo and at risk of major failure. Yeah, that’s what it feels like. B’ezer Hashem happy days will come soon. I Daven that He finally push me towards some Sipuk and financial security - two things I feel like I’ve been lacking most of my life, and which make me feel so alone among all my seemingly successful friends. 

When you have an urge, tell yourself that you are holding yourself back for the zchus of getting the better job.

If I may add to all the wonderful advice of the friends above, reach out. Talking to someone you trust, someone safe, someone who can hear you out and help you gather strength to stand strong in the face of the tests you are facing. Keep sharing, and keep trucking!