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Is this my life forever?
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TOPIC: Is this my life forever? 291 Views

Is this my life forever? 22 Mar 2023 17:49 #393714

  • Allclean
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I've bh (I've realized that it's truly a gift from Hashem, I've tried and failed so many times but my latest streak makes me realize it's all Him) been clean for 25 days but have been feeling antsy and the urges still remain. Last night my wife went to a shuir and I knew that my urges are lingering in the background, so I before I even stepped back into my apt, I grabbed a book and read for half an hour. After reading, I listened to a shuir and by the time the shuir was over, my wife needed to be picked up. I was so happy on the way to the car that I didn't fall but is this my life forever? Constantly being on my toes that I can fall at any time?  Is there a point where I transcend and there are no urges ? Will there be conquered territory?

Re: Is this my life forever? 22 Mar 2023 21:42 #393737

  • Bennyh
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Allclean wrote on 22 Mar 2023 17:49:
I've bh (I've realized that it's truly a gift from Hashem, I've tried and failed so many times but my latest streak makes me realize it's all Him) been clean for 25 days but have been feeling antsy and the urges still remain. Last night my wife went to a shuir and I knew that my urges are lingering in the background, so I before I even stepped back into my apt, I grabbed a book and read for half an hour. After reading, I listened to a shuir and by the time the shuir was over, my wife needed to be picked up. I was so happy on the way to the car that I didn't fall but is this my life forever? Constantly being on my toes that I can fall at any time?  Is there a point where I transcend and there are no urges ? Will there be conquered territory?

Unbelievable! Welcome to the forum! Keep posting, we've all been there to one degree or another.

I can tell I've had similar feelings and BH at this point they've passed. Strengthening my shalom bayis, limud hatorah and shemiras eynayim slowly made these crazy urges fade to the background for the most part, Hashem should keep helping me!

And IYH by you!

Please stick around and keep us posted.
Feel free to email me at benny.horrowitz@gmail.com (not my real name )

Re: Is this my life forever? 22 Mar 2023 21:50 #393738

  • OivedElokim
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Allclean wrote on 22 Mar 2023 17:49:
I've bh (I've realized that it's truly a gift from Hashem, I've tried and failed so many times but my latest streak makes me realize it's all Him) been clean for 25 days but have been feeling antsy and the urges still remain. Last night my wife went to a shuir and I knew that my urges are lingering in the background, so I before I even stepped back into my apt, I grabbed a book and read for half an hour. After reading, I listened to a shuir and by the time the shuir was over, my wife needed to be picked up. I was so happy on the way to the car that I didn't fall but is this my life forever? Constantly being on my toes that I can fall at any time?  Is there a point where I transcend and there are no urges ? Will there be conquered territory?

Listen, I'm not in a position to dispense wise counsel, but here are my two cents:

Before my current clean streak, one of the things that was holding me back from even trying was the sense that the fight is too hard, the temtations too accessible and prevalent, that falling was inevitable, that the intensity of my desire to act out would always be the same, etc. That belief held me back from even starting to fight. 

But what I've noticed over these past few days is that when acting out is no longer an "option" in your mind, it gets much easier. I'm not saying it's easy. Just easier. The fight when you've already been triggered and are sitting with an unfiltered device in front of you is winnable, but the odds are stacked against you. When you have the right mindset, you make sure to avoid those situations.

So do I still struggle? Yes. Do I still see attractive women in the street or at work and immediately begin to rate their sexual appeal and imagine sleeping with them? Yes. But is it as hard to resist porn, masturbation and fantasy as it was a week or two ago? Absolutely not. It's exponentially easier. Because it's off the table now.

So to answer your question: It doesn't have to be your life forever. It could be, but that's not necessary. If you set yourself up for success you can mitigate a lot of the intensity of the desires, though there will always be triggers. But if you don't fixate on them and let them stew, they'll go away. 
Like it says in Gemara: אבר קטן יש באדם, משביעו רעב, מרעיבו שבע

Anyways I hope that gives you some perspective. Rooting for your success, keep us posted!
OivedElokim
For the background to my name- see Tanya פרק טו.
My old thread
My current thread 
Last Edit: 22 Mar 2023 21:58 by OivedElokim.

Re: Is this my life forever? 22 Mar 2023 23:15 #393741

  • Eerie
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Allclean wrote on 22 Mar 2023 17:49:
I've bh (I've realized that it's truly a gift from Hashem, I've tried and failed so many times but my latest streak makes me realize it's all Him) been clean for 25 days but have been feeling antsy and the urges still remain. Last night my wife went to a shuir and I knew that my urges are lingering in the background, so I before I even stepped back into my apt, I grabbed a book and read for half an hour. After reading, I listened to a shuir and by the time the shuir was over, my wife needed to be picked up. I was so happy on the way to the car that I didn't fall but is this my life forever? Constantly being on my toes that I can fall at any time?  Is there a point where I transcend and there are no urges ? Will there be conquered territory?

Hi, my friend! Welcome to the family! Here we are your brothers, we want to hear from you, we care about you, so please share and keep letting us know how you are doing.
First of all, you are a hero! You thought ahead and made sure not to present yourself with a nisayoin, A1! As far as your question of the future, I'm no Navi, but from being around here a little bit I think it is very normal that for the first while of being clean you will have pretty intense urges, as your mind and body have not yet learned that you are no longer going back to the bad habits, and they are craving the things they are used to. As you are cleaner for longer, generally your urges will become very manageable, and yes, you will feel you conquered territory. However, you will have the normal urges that every healthy, normal male has from time to time, whether they were exposed to porn or not. Your YH and sex drive are not going away. Bezras Hashem, with work and determination to continue the course you have started, you will successful in keeping those urges in check. Hatzlacha, and keep posting! And keep trucking!
Feel free to say hi. My email is 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com

Re: Is this my life forever? 23 Mar 2023 10:55 #393784

  • excellence
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You will always need to avoid situations that can trigger you, however the struggle will get easier because you will learn how to deal with urges, and with time you will connect with a real and meaningful life and you will have less need to look elsewhere, subsequently experiencing less urges, or very light ones.

Re: Is this my life forever? 24 Mar 2023 00:42 #393824

  • ColinColin
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True.

And you will always need to have a strategy for when you cannot avoid situations that trigger you.

Re: Is this my life forever? 24 Mar 2023 05:58 #393843

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hi allclean

it warmed my heart reading you describe the simcha you had going to the car knowing you truly conquered your nisayon. i can say iv'e had similar experiences (of putting away the phone and just going to sleep), but i'm sure your joy was stronger considering the great effort you put in.
at the risk of coming accross as preachey, i'll make this point towards your question: the journey is the destination. the battle itself is the tachlis. (although i also believe what others already mentioned that with time it gets easier)

kol hakovod to you on your great work, and l'chaim to many more wins!

טאטע טאטע טאטע, איך וויל זיין, יא איך וויל זיין, א ירא שמים

.you will see results in one day. that day's

my forum

Re: Is this my life forever? 27 Mar 2023 13:28 #393958

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Allclean wrote on 22 Mar 2023 17:49:
I've bh (I've realized that it's truly a gift from Hashem, I've tried and failed so many times but my latest streak makes me realize it's all Him) been clean for 25 days but have been feeling antsy and the urges still remain. Last night my wife went to a shuir and I knew that my urges are lingering in the background, so I before I even stepped back into my apt, I grabbed a book and read for half an hour. After reading, I listened to a shuir and by the time the shuir was over, my wife needed to be picked up. I was so happy on the way to the car that I didn't fall but is this my life forever? Constantly being on my toes that I can fall at any time?  Is there a point where I transcend and there are no urges ? Will there be conquered territory?



As of now I just crossed the 30 day mark which is such a matana. The Oh hachaim Hakodesh in Parshas Kedoshim says that kedusha for arayos is against mans nature and attaining kedusha is only possible through bsd which I have been given. I have reframed my "urges" as "energy". I don't say "I have such an urge right now" but rather say "I have so much energy right now".

Re: Is this my life forever? 27 Mar 2023 13:47 #393959

  • monseyyid41
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Mazel Tov on your 30 days! And welcome! Know that we are all here for you and behind you. As far as your original question, I think OivedElokim was right on - once you've turned this corner in your mind, where you are no longer living the old life you once had, it automatically creates a certain distance between your urges (sorry, energy) and acting out on them. I have a computer at work that is mildly filtered but still has access to youtube, etc. and it used to be a daily battle for me not to go on and look around, but since I started my current streak on GYE I am able to walk past it without a second thought. One more thought. Now that you're freed from being enslaved to your "energy" try to think about other areas of Avodas Hashem that you can work on. If you have just undertaken to learn an extra 15 min. every day, or to say a certain amount of Tehillim, etc. that itself acts as a shemirah because you are now involved in totally different kinds of pursuit. I wish you all the best and feel free to keep sharing and posting. 
My thread: Forum (guardyoureyes.com)
We are not all in the same boat, but we are all in the same lake. And when one boat is in trouble, the other boats in the lake can quickly come to his aid. Feel free to reach out to me to give some chizuk or to receive some. monseyyid41@gmail.com

Re: Is this my life forever? 27 Mar 2023 13:59 #393960

  • Allclean
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@monseyyid41

Thank you! I have actually started to say tehillim daily and want to re-start my journaling. The weather is getting nicer and hope to take some walks during the day to appreciate what a sober life feels like. My personal laptop is slow and don't really use it so I use my work laptop. While i have site blockers I can look around on "guest mode" which is a real struggle sometimes (more of a bittul zman issue now, baby steps). I am going on paternity leave (14 weeks) soon so won't be logging on as much and will have time to bond with my precious child.

Re: Is this my life forever? 27 Mar 2023 20:56 #394006

  • Eerie
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Only Simchois, my friend! You are in inspiration! Keep it up and keep sharing with us
Feel free to say hi. My email is 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com
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