Halfway through day 7

Nice things:
- Work is getting a lot quicker and easier
- More financial opportunities opening up B"H
- Hashem seems much more receptive to my prayers
- Clean space
- Shalom bayit

Slightly uncomfortable things:
- Feel like I'm way more sensitive around women. Have to meet someone I admire for professional things and worried I will start blushing (will try to avoid looking at them)
- Really strong desires. I feel like it's possible I could end up having an emission uncontrollably when I'm asleep, even sleeping on side. Not going to fault myself if that happens. My goal is to keep my hands above my head

Night of the 7th day / morning of the 8th day
This was a very interesting period.
I had no desires or urges or physical arousal.
My dreams, though vivid, were not lucid or photorealistic
My dreams seemed (to me) to be focusing on processing emotional `trauma' (exposure to ...uality and violence on the internet, emotional attachment to one girl in particular who got me really messed up)
It's crazy that I could have eyes for a girl and still be needing to detox from the attachment I formed to her tumah almost a decade later. I am feeling really good right now and am hoping that I've now gotten past the initial desire stages. Whatever secular people think is obvious / no big deal is definitely not IMO.
My impression is that the sexual urges were, analogously (since I think if this in spiritual terms) a psychological `coping mechanism' to this trauma
I need to guard / protect what I've accomplished as I can. It can be difficult to talk about this stuff with people because they don't seem to understand the importance of it.

BE CAREFUL LOOKING AT THE LADIES!!! ROSES HAVE THORNS

Day 8 night / 9 day
B"H I don't have signs of physical arousal much anymore
It's easier to keep clean
I'm able to clean my living space much better now
My desires in state before waking and sleep are still present but have a different character. Instead of purely physical lust or **** flashbacks it's more stuff like ``I wish I could marry this person but I can't because x, y, z (not Jewish, already married, etc) and I'm annoyed about it'' or thinking about what it would like to be married to someone or to have children with them etc. Same for daily urges they aren't urges to ******** but instead feelings of frustration that I can't have this or the other person. Still might be a tad perverse but seems like a big improvement to me (thinking about what it would be like sharing a life with someone rather than thinking about being a pervert or physical urges to abuse me body)
I think if I can keep this up I'll be alright B"H and avoid looking at women

Day 10 (19 without binging!!! probably my highscore for the last decade) - haven't relapsed yet. 1/3 to 30 days. Haven't made it this far in at least a few years, possibly longer. Strong urges on waking up. Getting ready for shabbos, trying to keep calm.

B"H day 12 (21 without binge) and no relapse or nocturnal emission

It's getting a lot easier

I had a good shabbos.
Wonder if there is kosher gin
Nothing else much to report

Desires for marriage are now oriented towards women who are Jewish and non-married which is great B"H

Chazak, shavua tov and thanks for your support

B"H day 13 without a relapse
urges though

hST2cKmqv3vpV wrote on 07 Nov 2022 19:00:

Not having urges is a good thing. But having urges and not relapsing is the real deal! keep it up!

Sadly I relapsed. I feel bad about it. I didn't touch any part of my body but looked at drawn images (not real porn, not depicting real women). Seeing this stuff was enough to set me over the edge. I won't feel guilt about it but will try to avoid binging and continue again.

On a positive note at least that means I'm less desensitized than before I started

I'll keep on this path for the long haul. At the very least, I managed to avoid interacting with the bris and looking at women. It's useful to know even if I fall into a relapse / Yetzar hara that breaking those two rules is unnecessary even for a relapse.

hST2cKmqv3vpV wrote on 07 Nov 2022 20:15:

In a way, this is a partial win. You slipped but did not fall all the way. Get up and keep going. Hatzlacha!!!

Day 2 - so far so good, not much urges